| |
| |
|  |
| |
| Well, I'm ready for them this time. I |
| cannot - will not - squander my |
| 15-plus minutes of fame. So, I |
| compiled a list of possible names |
| for my band of merry men - along |
| with huge caches of semiautomatic |
| weapons, Teflon-dipped ammo, |
| freeze-dried beef stew, toilet |
| paper, and extra batteries for our |
| Walkmans. We want a name that will |
| tell the nation we mean business. A |
| name that says we're not fooling |
| around. A name that yelps, "We're |
| the kind of guys who read Playboy!" |
| |
| And so our name will be The Really |
| Super Cool Guys. I mean it's |
| perfect, dontcha think? Strutting |
| our bad selves around in that |
| babe-magnet deleted camo, growing |
| Sgt. Pepper facial hair, reeking a |
| manly musk of gun oil and sweat, and |
| all the time catching ourselves in |
| the mirror, doing our best DeNiro. |
| |
| Plus, by calling ourselves The Really |
| Super Cool Guys, the FBI and the |
| BATF will be so very jealous. During |
| negotiations, federal reps will |
| definitely try to downplay just who |
| we are and claim that we are not |
| actually, really, the real Really |
| Super Cool Guys. Rather, it is they |
| who are the Really Really Super Cool |
| Guys, because of their rigorous |
| training, better equipment, tailored |
| uniforms, and government health care |
| programs. And while it's true the |
| people holed up in the compound may |
| have a lot of guns and stuff, they |
| are in fact, faux Really Super Cool |
| Guys. But the brave citizens of the |
| Republic will be watching and |
| listening and they will know. |
| |
|  |
| |
| Now you're probably thinking, "What |
| about the female members of your |
| gang? Don't they deserve some |
| recognition?" Sure they do, and even |
| though our little Militia band was |
| created as a reason to get out of |
| the house on weekends so we could |
| drink beer and play with guns, when |
| push comes to shove with the Great |
| White Father in Washington, we want |
| our women with us. So we've created |
| an auxiliary of the Really Super |
| Cool Guys: the Really Super Cool |
| Guys' Gals. |
| |
| I mean it's only right to show these |
| fine ladies who wash our camos and |
| raise our kids while we're out |
| fighting for freedom that they're |
| just as important as any male member |
| of the Really Super Cool Guys. And |
| if any of the Really Super Cool Guys |
| get sick during the siege, there |
| will be a Really Super Cool Guys' |
| Gal at the ready to to look after |
| him and bring him orange juice and |
| change the channel on the TV. |
| They're needed, there's no denying |
| it. |
| |
| The press will be the toughest group |
| to deal with in the long run. |
| Newsrooms and TV stations across the |
| land will be abuzz with denial. |
| "Wait," I can hear them chatter, "I |
| didn't risk my pecker covering |
| Grenada and Desert Storm to just be |
| a Guy Who Tells Stories About Really |
| Super Cool Guys. I'm a Really Super |
| Cool Guy!" Well, they might be, but |
| they aren't, though they could be if |
| they joined us because the Really |
| Super Cool Guy name will be |
| trademarked. And if I know the law, |
| and I do because I have a copy of |
| the U.S. Constitution in the privy, |
| no one can be a Really Super Cool |
| Guy without special permission from |
| us. That's the law, and even though |
| we can interpret the law to suit our |
| own means, the press must obey it. |
| If the Fourth Estate starts to |
| circumvent the law, then where will |
| we be? In very deep kimchee, my |
| friends. |
| |
|  |
| |
| What about our other choices for |
| names? I could have settled for Guys |
| With Guns That Chicks Adore and Guys |
| Proud To Share Their Penises with |
| Super Models. I was almost ready to |
| march under the banner of The |
| Henpecked Guys Who Do Really Cool |
| Things on the Weekends Away From |
| Their Wives and I almost voted yes |
| on Guys Who Wear Camos Because Their |
| Wives Refused to Iron Their Hooded |
| White Outfits. But we kept coming |
| back to you-know-what. |
| |
| Oh, there were a few clinkers. I add |
| them here because as a Really Super |
| Cool Guy, I can admit that I'm not |
| perfect. They included: Guys with |
| Hairy Backs and Bad Teeth, Guys with |
| Low IQs and Crappy Educations, The |
| Bumpkin Brigade, Hicks with Big Guns |
| and Little Dicks, Really Stupid Guys |
| with Too Much Time on Their Hands, |
| Flaming Assholes of the Twentieth |
| Century, The Heavily Armed |
| Not-Too-Bright Losers, and The Free, |
| Dumb Fighters. |
| |
| Sure, there were some good things |
| about the ones we tossed, but they |
| didn't have that edge, that Madison |
| Avenue panache, that "Jenny stay |
| quiet" as they would say in France. |
| No. So we talked about it, argued, |
| went in the woods, and made |
| bang-bang, voted, re-voted, voted |
| again, and finally came up with a |
| name we could live with. A name that |
| would ring true and clear and bring |
| tears to our eyes each time Rush |
| said it on the radio. A name that |
| would be right up there with The |
| Knights of the Round Table, The |
| American Revolutionaries, and The |
| Weathermen. |
| |
| The Really Super Cool Guys are here. |
| We're biding our time, packing our |
| gear, and just waiting for the Feds |
| to screw up. Then we'll come forward |
| and show the American public that if |
| the government is going to act |
| foolish, then two can play at that |
| game. |
| |
|
as told to
Jacques Merde
|
