VACUUM

for 18 November 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

 

 

Reeling in the Reader Mail... Send
us an attack and we'll smack you
back. Tell us if your name
embarrasses you, and we'll change
it to something that embarrasses
us.

 

Let's begin by tackling some of the
most complex issues we confronted
last week. Jamie Harris
<jaharris@michiana.org> writes:

The biggest collection of gibberish
I have found on the web. You
should not be proud of yourself,
you should be ashamed.

 

Ah, but we all seek a little solace
in the underground when it's
raining, no? Dr. Dre assures us
that the man with the master plan
is the one with a gun (we're
paraphrasing a bit here), but we
hardly pursue fickle goals when we
write boldly, in red, on the
sidewalks that mock us on our
daily strolls. Marshmallow
sandwich? Preposterous longing
remains, but we pride ourselves on
gibberish alone.

 

John Kelly <jskelly@redshift.com>,
an enquiring mind, wants to know:

O.K. I've read the Wired article
and seen the website... what is
the business model and how is this
site making money?

 

Our business model is quite simple,
John: We all receive salaries from
Wired Ventures.
Next question?

 
[]

Of Dr. Dreidel's Dream Girl," Adam
Rice <adamrice@crossroads.net>
writes:

Perhaps you remember a few years
ago the media prank by Bob Green.
He tells of making up a story
about how girls all over the
country idolized Vanna White. Next
thing you know, girls all over the
country really are idolizing her.

 

You're so cruel. Why is it so hard
to imagine that Vanna, pride of
Myrtle Beach, SC, would be such a
bad role model for girls
everywhere? She's on her feet all
day in those bad shoes flipping
letters for Pat, all the while
looking good enough to eat.

About this prank that "the web is a
growth medium," however, now that
stretches the bounds of
credulity.

 

Of Dr. McLoo's "The Third Time As
'Tragedy'
," Colin Campbell
<cpc@pacific.net.sg> writes:

I live in Singapore, where most of
the issues that you discuss are
even more weird. There is no
political discourse here, just
what the government wants the poor
citizens to hear. You should be
glad that there is at least some
political discourse in the US.

I love suck.com and I am trying to
encourage my friends to read it. I
may yet get deported. There is
definitely room for good cynical
writing on the net. You guys
certainly address that need. Keep
it up.

 

Thanks for the reality check. We
Americans sure do bitch and
complain a bit much considering
how good we've got it, don't we?
Cybercitizens are even worse. But
then, as long as enough people are
bitching, the goons at the top
will think twice before trying to
pull one over on us. Maybe.

It all melts down to the mentality
that enables one to purchase "The
Club" to safeguard your car
against theft. Sure, it probably
doesn't work... but it doesn't
hurt, and what the hell else are
you gonna do?

 
[]

Of Wayne Gale's "The Mediatrix,"
Brent E. Peich
<bpeich@village.ios.com> writes:

So when did you become a last
resort for postgraduate
intellectual theorists who can't
get their, uh, "work" published
anywhere else?

I suppose it's unreasonable to
expect daily sucking, but, with
the exception of today's article,
you always manage to provoke at
least a few laughs. Please don't
make me relive undergraduate
torpor brought on by hophead
instructors analyzing Public Enemy
through a Foucauldian lens.....

 

See, they told you you'd pay for
not listening closely in those
masturbatory ism-head seminars.
Those who don't learn Lit Theory
201 are doomed to repeat it.

What's a hophead?

 

Of Thursday's "Hit and Run,"
Gretchen Anderson
<ganderson@ikonic.com> writes:

CNN says that distilled liquor
sales are dropping. I thought that
given the political and economic
climate, that the sales of booze
would be going through the roof. I
figured the 75% of my paycheck
that goes to spirit-numbing
spirits was on par with the rest
of America. But, (gasp!) I was
wrong. Those poor hooch-makers!

Johnny Walker Red told me that
"it's not a lifestyle, it's a
life," so I sallied forth, and
bellied up and drained my glasses,
one by lonely one. Only to find
that I'm not putting my purchasing
power where it belongs: on the
street.

[]

As usual you guys are right AGAIN!
It's all about crack.

 

I'm sure lots of dealers could
afford to advertise their crack on
TV. Better to have E! supporting
crack distribution than the CIA,
right?

 

In unrelated news, Wetherup
<wetheruh@cadvision.com> writes:

Subject: You are part of the
problem my friend

I sought to get a photo of kittens
for my daughter to use as
"wallpaper" on the desktop of her
computer and searched
Image:kittens using AltaVista.
Instead your page pops up. Give us
a break and don't be part of the
problem you complain about.

I agree with your sentiments but
your methodology potentially puts
the filth you hate in front of
children. Please be more careful.

 

Hmm. Exactly what type of, uh,
"kitten" was she looking for?

Did you read the entire article and
then write this letter while your
daughter sat there waiting to get
her damn kitten wallpaper, and
instead watched mommy/daddy lose
his/her doughnuts over some crappy
website?

We'd rather give our (hypothetical)
kids subscriptions to the Filth
Reader than have them witness us
becoming (hypothetically)
hysterical in a losing effort to
keep them free of, in this case,
not sexual or violent images, but
a bunch of innocuous, albeit
offensively inarticulate, words on
a screen.

 
[]

Clare Luce Yeats <cyeats@digex.net>
writes:

Subject: No More Rats

Do you guys have rats? Well, you
may not, but your ISP does.

If you want an Internet provider
that is so fast you need a seat
belt just to surf, contact me!

 

A seat belt... to surf! Ha ha ha!
You PR people are so clever.
Please, send more press releases.

And have you considered a career in
sitcom script writing?

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon