With that being said, I must say
that "The Pitch" means nothing to
me. It could stay right where it
is or fall of the face off the
planet for all I care. It has no
impact on my life whatsoever. The
bowel movements of flies in
Kazakhstan are more important to
me. I feel such an absolute lack
of feeling for it that I can't
even understand why I'm writing
this. So I'll stop.
Ooo, we like it when people have
been reading Vacuum, which clearly
you have! We like it when people
recognize that we live to boost
our collective twisted egos -
hell, we like the fact that you
recognize that our egos are
twisted and easily boosted!
But we're pissed that you're
indifferent about "The Pitch."
You've really bent us out of shape
with your expressions of apathy!
You've made us angry! "The Pitch"
is our darling dear baby, the
section teeters the most
precipitously and precariously (if
not profitably) on the line
between brilliance and bathos; it
is the sum of our desires, mixed
ever-so-poignantly with the ochre
of our bitter experience.
And as for your devotion to insect
scat, well, we know what that's
Anyway guy, I'm sure you deem
yourself a real savvy thinker.
Hopefully, you're a reader too....
[Try reading] Scientific
Advertising/My Life in
Advertising, by Claude C. Hopkins.
If you're afraid of books, let me
clue you in.... His main point
was, you shouldn't even discount
prices, you should give a sample
away FREE, always give it away
free - straight to the customer -
directly paying the store for the
I'm sorry to burst your
preconceived notions, but winners
in marketing soon learn a tried
and true philosophy:
Your opinion has the statistical
significance of 1.
Sorry, hope this clears things up
Maybe your next PITCH could be
about a poorly written hipster web
site that offers smug feelings and
glad tidings to the masses along
with substance found masturbating
in the mirror.
Well, we can see your blood
pressure has been raised
substantially by mistakenly taking
"The Pitch" a wee bit too
seriously, cowboy. Have you
consulted anyone about this
curious literalism and this
inflamed temper? Better get those
taken care of before they send
you to an early grave.
Anyway, Suck is a daily free
sample. We didn't do so well in
statistics, so we'll just assume
you mean our opinions are the only
1s that matter. Thanks, guy!
Of An Entirely Other Greg's Zero
Baud, Douglas Denny
After reading An Entirely Other
Greg's article about the
gastronomical habits of Joe
Americano's eating habits, I was
hungry. Hungry to slam Suck for
feeding us another trashy piece
about white trash America. Greg,
come down off your high horse and
have a bologna sandwich, or better
yet, rush your butt down to the
7/11(tm) and get some frozen
burritos. I know you want to.
I feel like I am reading some
geek's high school journal about
how he hates the jocks for their
tribe mentality, and how the
cheerleaders won't sleep with him
because he doesn't play football.
Sigh. Didn't Dad buy you a car so
you COULD pick up chicks?