VACUUM

for 16 September 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

 

 

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[]

Once again, many a fine reader
responded to another down-with-the-
man rant, POP's Weenie Roast. Bob
Feldman <bfeldman@woodwind.com>
writes:

 

To: POP
Fr: A Fan
Re: "Greatest Show on Earth"

Please note that this message marks
only the second time I have ever
submitted fan email to a
Webwriter. I am provoked to this
frivolous measure by the quote
which led off your column. I saw
the movie when it was first
released. Of course, I was barely
old enough to understand the
action, but upon egress from the
theatre, my father asked me which
part I liked the best.

"The part where they get hit by the
train," I replied.

"You bloodthirsty little monster,"
was his reply.

I guess I haven't changed much.

 

Nice memory, Bob. We have loads of
similar situations, but won't get
into them, for fear of being
committed.

 

Ellynn Kellam
<ellynn13@mail.airmail.net>
writes:

 

Is Wired really that bad? How could
you let yourselves be bought out
by them if this is how you feel?
Any way isn't Suck part of
HotWired properties, which is part
of Wired Ventures? If you
are..then aren't you part of this
sinking ship and won't you go down
with it?

 

Yes, we will go down with Wired
Ventures if it sinks, but this
article is not about Wired
Ventures. Allow us to clarify: Not
all articles posted on Suck are
written by and about Suck. Given
our tendency to navel-gaze, we can
understand your confusion.
However, POP is a regular
contributor to Suck but does not
work here in the glorious Suck
office, and was not referring to
Suck in his vitriolic expose. But
stick around - just as soon as we
fire POP (which shouldn't be too
soon, considering his rants elicit
more reader mail than the rest of
ours put together)... but anyway,
when we finally do get rid of POP,
he'll become appropriately
disillusioned and write a scathing
expose revealing what complete
losers and lunkheads he had to
deal with here at Suck. Hell,
maybe we'll even publish it.
Somewhere else, of course.

 

Scarred in Seville writes:

 

I made the mistake to show my boss
TV By The Blind when it came out.
We laughed together. "Now that's a
mistake we are not going ot make
are we?" Har har bloody har. Well,
I haven't showed my boss (or any
executive or client, for that
matter) a Suck piece in months.
And I don't plan to. That's a
mistake I am not going to make
again am I?

 

Why not? The delusions such
situations expose are pretty
fucking rich, in the end. If you
do it again, be sure to let us
know.

 

Jonve Bylin's
<jbylin@worldnet.att.net> has an
announcement to make:

 

Your essay on the shareholder
rights of ex-employees was greatly
enjoyed by many people, myself
included.

It is the best "suck" that I have
ever read.

It touched that special spot in my
heart where I bottle up my true
feelings for a former employer.
They say it's not good to repress
one's emotions. I see some mental
therapy in my future...

 

Well, Jon, here at Suck we've had a
running "Best Suck Ever" award for
the most recent essay to be
proclaimed the all-time greatest.
Looks like POP's our winner this
week. Thanks for the note, and
remember, repression will kill you
softly. Run, don't walk, to the
nearest, uh, mental therapist.

 
[]

Like a handful of other readers,
Jim Nelson
<jimn@iserver.starlight.com> begs
to differ on the subject of
Schoolhouse Rock:

 

Sure, edutainment is as
phoenomenally stupid as anything
can be, but you really shouldn't
slam Schoolhouse Rock too much.
Those of us who had those tunes
beat into our prepubescent heads
know:

- The preamble to the Constitution
(but how does the rest of it go?)

- How to use a conjunction (hooking
up trains, right?)

- How a Bill becomes a Law
(although they somehow forgot the
"Give the Senator a buck or
two/And he'll pass that law for
you" verse)

Christ, maybe you're right ... of
course, what you and the FCC are
forgetting is that Wily E.
"Supra-Genius" Coyote's antics
were a valuable lifelong lesson in
physics.

 

The lesson being that if you fall
from a cliff, you might be flat as
a pancake for a while, but you'll
live? Hmmm.

 

Somebody writes:

 

I was highly amused and saddened by
it. I was suddenly struck by the
deterioration of our society. The
withering of every static value I
firmly grip that it will not be
crushed by the solid sky of
others. The cyclic, but not quite
so, cyclic societal patterns amaze
me. I sure hope what is destroyed
is replaced. In fact, I REALLY
hope that is the case.

I was left with absolutely no
security beyond the knowledge of
knowing I must walk; walk with
sand in my eyes, groping at what I
know is nothing in the hopes it
will become something to hold on
to. Ask yourself this: Is virtue
really as liquid as it appears?
Does it have any cleansing power,
or is the power in the perception?
Is the sky, for some, solid?

Are the wary glances upward, but
evidence of a fear that the sky
should fall and crush us, or once
again, is the power in the
perception?

I have seen virtue golden wail to
be freed from the tresses of
mournful souls. My father had such
a mournful soul, and I believe, to
this moment, it was his sky which
crushed him. And I hated him for
that.

I carried around my hatred until my
own sky became solid. My father's
soul crept up from behind while my
back was turned and entered me as
a violation. So subtle was this
violation I did not notice until
my love for him had returned. This
was long after his death, mind
you. "Saturday Morning Massacre"
reminded me what an ugly, inhuman
bastard I can be at times. Thank
you.

 

Okay, Chicken Little. We're not
sure how you got all this out of a
piece about cartoons, but listen
up anyway. Virtue is a gas, not a
liquid, and it has no cleansing
power. We suggest Ajax, With
Bleach! The sky is not solid for
anyone, though it may fall and
crush us. Ouch! Wary glances
upward arise from the suspicion
that God (white, male, bearded) is
laughing at our awkward guesses at
the truth.

You're having some interesting
fantasies involving your father,
ones you might consider talking to
a mental therapist about. You're
welcome.

 

Of Vacuum, Somebody writes:

 

I must thank you greatly for
showing people like this Aaron
Maurrysmith that us Jocks and
Cheerleaders are people too! Damn
the little people piss me off. I
myself was a Footbal, Basketball,
track person in highschool, and I
even tried football in College, I
ended up getting ms ass stomped
on, but still, Just cuz I was
involved in highschool, didnt make
me poular or any of that bs, I
spent most of my time in sports,
and sitting in my room. These
people think that Athaletes are
stupid, and I just like to let
them know that it people like thme
who put thmeselvs in there own
places. All they have to do is
say, "Im good enough, and if
people dont like me, then they can
take a leap off a cliff."

Man, sometimes I think that they
beleave they have power, and I
have found that this is often the
case. My roomate is a Unix wiz,
and he gets off on his strange God
Complex, trying to convince me
that he will Rule the world, and I
just look at the dude, hes little
and strange and I could just stomp
him, but I know that it is more
important that he and all the
others like him know that the
'Jocks' have a brain. I like to
confuse my roomate with strange
theoretical problems. and I just
want all the little God Complex's
out there to ponder one thing.

'If you were an alian race, and you
were comeing to Earth to take it
away from the humans, would you
contine with your plans, if you
had found out that the inhabitants
of the planet had tried many times
to destroy there sun for no other
reason than it simply bothered
them now and then?'

And so on, Thank you once again for
sticking that sorry nobs head in
the ground. I am happy to know
that there are others out there
who have had it with the whole
sterotyping on athelets.

thanks, [Somebody]

P.S. I know I spell like shit, its
not my fault, I never really cared
about spelling, just comunication.

 
[]

Polly responds:

Well! As the former Suck copy
editor, let me tell you, I never
really cared about spelling
either, so I know how you feel.
And our slogan is it's all your
fault, which I, of course, took to
mean your fault, which I guess
includes you... Anyway, these
little puzzles you set forth to
the self-proclaimed future rulers
of the world must really stump
them. After all, they should have
answers for questions like these
and more, if they are, truly,
intent on world domination. Way to
stick it to the man, man!

Which leads us to the question of
why, as the Athlete Philosopher,
you got stuck with a roommate
who's little and strange. I mean,
you're like the Greeks, who valued
physical and philosophical
competence over almost everything
else (including spelling and
Unix). Why would they do this to
you? Here you are, looking at the
big picture, and this little
pencil necked bastard is all
preoccupied by the little
insignificant details and a total
asshole to boot.

They probably did it to test your
self-restraint! Well, screw them.
I'd haul off and knock that little
fucker. Be aggressive, be
aggressive, B-E, A-G-G, R-E-S-S-I-
V-E! Go ahead, take the offense,
it'll be worth it just to see the
look on his little weirdo face! O-
F-F-E-N-S-E, Offense, Jockman,
Offense!

p.s. Stop sitting in your room.
Forget the mind puzzles, you
probably are as smart as that
fuck, but why try to prove it?
Move on! Plunge forward with the
knowledge that David may have had
a few fine-tuned tools, but
Goliath could still squish him
with two fingers nine times out of
10.

 

Apropos of almost nothing, Jon Gamble
<jong@hiwaay.com> writes:

 

You guys must be pretty fucking
ugly to have stored your group
photos in TIFF files. Did you ever
consider a safety deposit box at
an airport? Or maybe it's just
that someone among you has worked
in document imaging in the past.
Either way, no pity. Hey though,
in my present state, I think
www.suck.com is one of the most
interesting sites I've ever come
across on the web. And this makes
me worry a whole lot about myself
(or on a confident day, the
web)....

Now to the point. JPEGs of Ann
O'Tate and Polly Esther in bathing
suits or evening dresses. No more
of this TIFF file shit, I'm not
gonna download a TIFF viewer or
compile libtiff just to look at
you fuckers. I love and must see
these intelligent women (in my
broswer window) now. I'm thinking
of formulating one of those crush
thingies. Oh and hey, give some
sort of feedback as to how many
fanciful dweebs have e-mailed you,
trying to impress with half-baked
wit, and inquired hinted towards
joked about a job. Some sort of
graph will suffice. And in all
seriousness, how much money do you
jokers make? Is there really a
newly emerging smartass industry
or are you guys in it for the
historical signifigance? Don't get
the wrong idea, I hope you all get
rich and go to hell! See ya there
(I'll be holding the pitchfork).

 

Ann O'Tate responds:

You are really better off not
knowing what we look like. Polly
sits on the other side of my desk
and, well, while the word "crush"
comes to mind sometimes, it's
usually just to describe the look
of her wretched, punched-in face,
or how the chair must feel when
she lowers her ample thighs into
it.

And as for me, well, that
liposuction mishap is mostly a
thing of the past, but I don't
think this acne will ever clear
up.

If you must have something to
fantasize about - why not look at
some pix of Reese Witherspoon and
just pretend?

As for how much money we make and
how many fanciful dweebs try to
impress us... not tellin'.

 
[]

Of St. Huck's "Hollywood Babbles
On
," Gretchen Anderson
<dodge@sirius.com> writes:

 

What a brilliant piece of cynicism!
but I wonder: Is gossip worse
because the media is a bunch of
dogs, or because it takes more to
shock now? I mean, it must be hard
to dredge up the winchell-esque
inspiration if dennis rodman
appears in a dress in the
centerfold of every men's fashion
mag, and people in the same month.
Esquire thinks he's hot, and
people gives him 10 worst dressed.
There's no cultural consensus
around what to gossip about.

 

St. Huck responds:

That's true - to some extent, at
least, mass media led to common
values. With all the niche markets
that now exist, what can lead to
ostracism in one sector will lead
to celebrity in another.

 

Of Polly Esther's "Teen Heat," Joe
D. Williams <joew@basinlink.com>
shares with us a little more than
we'd like:

 

While children must be protected
from age-inappropriate sexual
experiences, remember this: Warren
Farrell, a former board member of
NOW, points out that for the vast
majority of human history, it has
been in the best interest of the
species for men to be attracted to
young women, since this would
yield the greatest number of
healthy offspring. So, if I get a
boner while checking out a nymphet
I don't worry about it. I don't
act on it, either, unless I
incorporate it into a sexual
fantasy while I am masturbating or
having sex with an appropriate
partner. Speaking of which, I am
very grateful to be in a
relationship with a woman 35 years
old (I am 41) who I chose to be
involved with because of her
values, interests, sense of humor
and strength as well as my
physical attraction for her.

No, it seems men and women are
increasingly incapapble of
relationships in which we treat
each other decently. It is scary.
Men, as you say, are scared. Women
are angry. While I understand your
anger at generation upon
generation of patriarchal
domination, I would point out that
only a few men were in positions
of advantage (again to paraphrase
Farrell). The vast majority of men
under the patriarchal system are
turned into cannon fodder and
workhorses.

While it is healthy and appropriate
for you to feel angry about not
getting what you needed from your
father, please remember I am not
him.

 

Polly responds:

Thank you for writing.
Unfortunately, it seems you've
mistaken my essay for a thorough
analysis of the psychosocial
structure of male-female relations
from ancient times to the present!
Funny! I was simply mulling over
the widespread appeal of one of
Hollywood's latest starlets.
Perhaps you should revisit Mr.
Dewey's work, and search
elsewhere... I would suggest "The
Reproduction of Mothering" by
Nancy Chodorow, or any one of a
number of academic psych or soc
journals.

I don't dispute that variations in
sexual attraction and appetites
have evolved quite naturally.
Obviously it's also quite natural
for women to stay close to home
and raise children - perhaps
societies of humans function more
smoothly when such conditions are
met! I could give a shit.

And, while I admire your
proletarian leanings, if "men
under the patriarchal system are
turned into cannon fodder and
workhorses" then that would make
women the handmaidens to cannon
fodder and workhorses. Fabulous!

As regards your personal history,
you seem quite intent on revealing
very private details on the
matter, confounded by a strange
need to place yourself in the role
of my father, whom you've never
met and know nothing about -
perhaps this is one of those
sexual fantasies you mentioned!

Toodles!

Polly

 
[]

Pavia Rosati <pavia@dc.enews.com>
writes:

 

Your column on gossip writers was
the best Suck I have ever read.

 

Oops! Sorry POP, now the "Best
Suck Ever" award belongs to St.
Huck. We pray for a long and
fruitful reign.

 

Richard Z." (ricott@geocities.com)
writes:

 

Hello, we were wondering if you
would sponsor our page for our
page for $1800 a year. We will
bill you at the end of each year.
If you are the first to sponsor
us... We will write Suck many
times on our web page so you will
get noticed even more on search
engines. Our page is under
construction, but we'll have your
banner up right away. Our webpage
is at this location:
http://www.infochase.com/org/
Ricott
We'd really appreciate if
you would because we are saving
money to buy our on space at
www.ricott.com.

 

We're saving money, too, son.

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon