VACUUM

for 9 September 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

for 9 September 1996. Updated every MONDAY.
 

 

Genuine Stuff from the Mailbags of
Suck.com! Scribble us a note
that'll make us take note, dote,
or gloat, but tell us if your
quote will make you lose your coat
and we'll change your name to
"Goat." All mail will be
stretched, slapped around, or
squished according to our needs.

[]

First of all, Robert Seulowitz
<rss2@mail.idt.net> writes to wish
a belated Happy Birthday:

 

The first Suck page I ever
downloaded was your recent
Anniversary article, a lovely
intro that allowed me to scrounge
around the archives a bit and
discover some truly entertaining
and even occasionally enlightening
e-tidbits.

How nice to see rancid cynicism and
unfettered sarcasm alive and well
on a web that has almost
completely surrendered to e-cash
trash and corporate buck-and-wing
minstrel show self-parody. (Just
try to find a really good ecchi
ftp site these days.) Yes, I can
see that Suck has inherited the
mantle of the late, great Raw,
which once proclaimed on it's
masthead "The Magazine for those
who have lost their faith in
nihilism."

Keep stickin' it to the Man,
Suckwads!

Having done my time in the T1
trenches (in my case for the
odious Rupert - sadly *not* Rupert
Pupkin, a much nicer guy), I
haven't been able to bring myself
to, ya know, *read* anything on
the web in over a year. Thanks,
Sucklings, for keeping the dream
alive.

My fondest memories of online life
were the so-called but not really
golden years, of 300-baud modems
and 20-member mailing lists, not
because we did or wrote anything
useful or important, not because
of any bogus sense of "community"
but precisely the opposite: We
revelled in our anonymity and
disconnectedness, which emboldened
us to tell raving right-wing
racists or left-wing conspiracy
collectors to fuck off with
impunity. Ah, those were the days!
To waste one's time so utterly and
totally - e.g. arguing at length
with some pig-ignorant mudhead
about who really killed Kennedy -
is a uniquely Zen experience, that
no amount of carpal-tunnel
inducing "surfing" can equal.

Outside of the occassional snappy
sidebar by someone like Rev. Ivan
Stang in Wired (how are you
supposed to *read* some of those
pages?) there's nothing around
that has the same combination of
aggressively visceral, purposeless
twittery and pompous,
self-righteous pontification.
National Lampoon died long before
Mike O'Donohue did, Spy was never
all that funny, and The Nation
doesn't really count as Satire.

When I was growing up we had Tom
Lehrer and "Monty Python." Now we
have Mark Russell and "Friends."
Suck may not be much, but it's
enough. Thanks for hanging in
there.

 

While we prefer to see Suck as
substantially worse than nothing,
we may start railing off your
phrase when we're feeling
particularly optimistic, perhaps
after quad cap numero deux.
Aggressively visceral? Purposeless
twittery? Pompous, self-righteous
pontification? We don't know
whether to hug you or fuck your
shit up. We at least feel honored
that you spent as much time with
Roget in coming up with those
adjectives as we do every time we
have to concoct some particularly
stinging email for a close friend
or dear enemy. With enough
encouragement from fine readers
such as yourself, we will, indeed,
feel justified in our continued
sticking of it to the man, keeping
alive of the dream, hanging of it
in there, and other
general-purpose Suckwad duties. We
thank you for your patronage.

 

Of Not Joey Enough's
"Lights...Camera...Jive!," Craig
Pfaff <CraigP@ndev.com> writes:

 

Movie reviews on Suck - how
special... Congrats, you have
fulfilled your name.

Suck.com has been required reading
in the past, but I can change the
channel.

No response required.

 

Actually, we were thinking of
changing the site into an
all-movie-reviews channel. After
all, the web's growing mold, but
the movie world just keeps on
sending up new blossoms, new
thorns... We plan to be a badge of
honor, found on but a few fine
films, right under, "'Two Thumbs
Up!' - Siskel & Ebert" and "'A
Triumph!' - The Village Voice." We
can see it so clearly: "'It
Doesn't Suck!' - The Sucksters."

Go ahead. Change the channel. Just
remember that part of the glory of
being us instead of you is that we
can write restaurant reviews or
haikus or recipes for spinach dip.
We can do whatever we want!
[Funny! This is great! Oh, but
btw, the boss says no more fucking
movie reviews. - Ed.]

 

Of Ann O'Tate's Zero Baud, "No
Mess, No Fuss, Just Lust
," P.
Trigger <davnjen@haven.ios.com>
writes:

 

I am ROFL HYSTERICALLY. The girl
who has tho office next to mine is
a case study in what not to do
when you have a crush. She's
buying gifts ($300 Armani shirts),
leaving paper trails ("I Love Jim"
written over and over in tiny
circles), concocting stories ("I
went to Esso's to see him and we
danced together for an hour") and
basically acting like a reject
from high school over someone we
work with. I hoping that if I give
her a copy of your article she
will see the error in her ways,
but unfortunately, I have a
feeling that you have to be
basically healthy to begin with in
order to get it.
 

Ann O'Tate responds:

This ROFLing hysterically thing has
me worried, P. Trigger. Have you
asked Dr. Weil about it?

 
[]

Joel Sather <satherj@cscoe.ac.com>
writes:

 

You forgot the Web Crush.

Developing a facination for a
character/person you see on the
Web. I thought of this after
reading suck and then surfing over
to www.GrapeJam.com. Ah, Meredith,
Smitty, Joanne, Eric, Pascal,
Robbie, etc. Even better than
having a crush on a TV
personality--these guys have
e-mail addresses!

Length of engagement: For as long
as their Venture Capitalist keeps
shelling out money for the site.

Likelihood of Fulfillment: You are
better off hitting on people in
AOL chat rooms.

Spoilers: With the rate of turnover
in new media companies, they may
be gone tommorow.

You know you're stalking when: You
have to learn to hack e-mail to
avoid that court order to stop
flooding their account. Their link
is your homepage.

 

Ann O'Tate responds:

There are several people around
here who have a crush on that
little HotBot thingy.

Length of engagement: With the time
it take for HotBot to return a
search, it could last longer than
most marriages.

Likelihood of Fulfillment: Who
knows? You and HotBot are stuck on
an emotional Zeno's walk, as
HotBot intentionally returns
searches that force you to use it
again and again. But you never
really get to know HotBot.

Spoilers: Emoticon searches? Try to
ignore them.

You know you're stalking when: You
run an AltaVista Search on HotBot.

 
[]

Of Not Joey Enough's August 29th
Zero Baud, "EnGeorged," Randall
Chestnut <rodent@baraboo.com>
writes:

 

Dear Sweet Filthy Suck (to borrow
from MacManus):

It is my duty to inform you that I
will be sending you a bill for the
replacement/repair of my computer,
my two plants (Truck & Phil) and
my fish (Chubs). Elucidate, you
say? Okay, I'll pretend you said
it. I was reading the recent Zero
Baud (re: George) when the sarcasm
flowing out of my screen dripped
onto my keyboard, seeped into my
drives, and fried it's poor, tiny
mind. The venom flowing freely
from the seams of my monitor
killed my plants and choked my
fish to death. This kind of
irresponsible behavior should be
encouraged. But the emotional
damage inflicted upon me by the
loss of my fish, my plants, and my
lord and master, my computer, must
be recouped. The offices of Dunn
And Bradstreet (not really a law
firm, more like a pitiable
collection agency) will be
contacting you shortly.

 

Dearest Randall,

Please keep in mind that to
everything (turn, turn, turn)
there is a season. Perhaps the
emotional damage of which you
speak is an important passage in
your life, during which you learn
to pull things together from the
wreckage of a ruined existence. No
plants, no fish, no computer... it
may seem like a devastating loss,
but perhaps 'neath the heartache
and the desperation you'll find,
lying there, a golden, beating
heart... Hope. Faith in the
ability of humankind to overcome,
to keep on living, sharing with
others! A dream, a glimmer! A bird
flying - south! Over wastelands.
Restless! Forgiven, gone! Done!
Everlasting truth. Undeniable!

You'll have us to thank.

 
[]
Danny Ehlers <MAD_DAD@wow.com>
writes:

 

Just checked out your online mag
for the first time. Funny. Well
written. Sufficiently irreverent,
perverse. Wait a sec... isn't Suck
an online clone of SPY magazine?
Now, don't get me wrong. That was
a compliment. Of sorts.

Question: Who is uglier-Mick Jagger
or Joey Ramone?

 

We don't judge people by their
looks, Danny. It's not nice. Not
only that, but it sends people a
message. A very bad message about
who you are. A message that you
just aren't mature enough to
appreciate people for the
important stuff - for what's
inside. Why don't you take a
minute and think about that. Think
about how your words could really
hurt Mick's or Joey's feelings.
Just take a minute, Danny. When
you think about it, it's really
not very nice to intentionally
hurt someone's feelings, is it?
Nice people don't do that.
Besides, everyone knows that Mick
Jagger is the ugliest human being
alive.

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon