Of Last Thursday's Hit and Run,
My world is coming apart.
Let me set the scene for you: I
sell dildoes for a living. On the
World Wide Web. Thus [and
understandably], I have a wee
motivational problem when I get to
the office of a morning. The
prospect of working to turn
another bored and horny netling
into Another Satisfied Customer
is, shall we say, less than
In order to work up the vim, the
vigor, and the sheer intestinal
fortitude necessary to make it
through another day in the box,
then, I have two choices:
A] shoot amphetamine into my
B] read Suck.
Amphetamine costs money. I can Suck
on my boss's time. Guess which one
This coping mechanism, frail and
arbitrary though it may be, has
served me moderately well. Until
I hate a lot of people. Always
have, always will. But even after
soon-to-be-twenty-three of steady
detestation, there are only two
people whom I loathe strongly
enough as to be physically unable
to look upon their faces. One of
them is Tina Yothers.
The other is Alanis Morissette.
As of today, Suck has made two --
no, THREE -- Alanis references in
a single week. And it isn't even
Her music - well, there's nothing
to be done about that. I can carp
my way into a case of Carpal
Tunnel by rehashing the usual
bitchery on that subject. What I
find truly disturbing about Alanis
Morissette - and I have no idea
why this issue has not yet been
broached in the popular press - is
The woman has a face like a
Horrifying, but true. She looks
like a frigging Hush Puppy. It is
not possible to look at her image
without imagining shoehorning
one's foot into her mouth and
going to town. And the hellacious
part is that she herself is aware
of this! She has immortalized,
even glorified her condition in
her own verse! ["I recommend
sticking your foot in my mouth at
any time... Feel free."]
And you have made reference to this
abomination three times in the
last week. This does not make for
a restful morning at the porn
I'm asking you nicely. Quit making
with the Alanis spoofs. Please.
Before somebody gets hurt.
The women of Suck respond:
Now, we rail on people for all
kinds of reasons, but Carl Sagan
aside, we rarely attack someone on
the sole basis of their
less-than-stellar looks. We
understand every angle on hating
Alanis - maybe you think she's
Debbie Gibson in Courtney Love
clothing, even though Courtney
Love might disagree ("Tell Alanis
she sucks."). Maybe you think
going down on men in a theaterrrrr
is nothing to brag about, or maybe
you don't like peace signs,
high-fives, or the word "ironic"
(overused and misused) in a song.
But this quickness to dis female
actresses and rock stars because
they haven't been surgically
reconstructed to resemble Pamela
Anderson Lee is far from an
honorable cause to rally behind,
no matter how much we admire the
snottiness to the urge. There are
countless borderline-repulsive men
in the spotlight, some of whom
work in this office, yet their
physical flaws escape scrutiny.
Meanwhile Vanessa Williams is
slowly but surely being
transformed from attractive black
woman to plastic, raceless mutant.
It's enough to make a girl give up
on men forever.
Oh... but, could you send us one of
your, uh, catalogs? We'll go
back to dissing Glenn Davis thrice
a week instead...
I hope that you will consider me a
candidate for your opening.
Uh, please see above.
Why Suck? The name I mean. Is that
supposed to be clever
self-mocking? Self depricating
humor? It's really in you know.
All the hippest funny people do
it. Perhaps it's even way cooler
than that - perhaps you are part
of the ultra-sophistocated
SUPER-HUMBLE. You know, like
Shaq-deisel. I'm just doin' my job
man. I'm just a hard workin' joe,
and I admire and respect
Maybe the best defense is a good
offense, even if there is only one
participant. When somebody starts
hitting himself, it kind of takes
the fun out of slapping him
around. When you get a "YOU SUCK"
EMAIL, do you smile at each other
knowingly? Do you nod?
Or do you even get "YOU SUCK"
EMAILs? Perhaps you have cleverly
defused everyone's expectations
for more, with that hip, clever
name of yours. Like naming you kid
"Loser" of buying a Dodge "Lemon".
With this front loaded strategy,
the most you probably get is a
mild shrug and some raised
Perhaps it's a clever marketting
plan. Being "tuned in" as you are,
you realize that most of the
people surfing the web are a bunch
of closet perverts, who will
quickly stumble onto a web site
named "Suck". Most are so
desparate, they will actually
spend their valuable time here,
looking for juicy payoff.
No - wait. All these explanations
imply some plan, some thought,
perhaps even some forsight.
Perhaps you were just gathered
around your computer one Saturday
night (as usual), drinking your
second Zima and eating your
cheeze-its, and for some reason
the word "Suck" made you giggle.
Pretty soon everybody started to
giggle. Boy that Zima sure is
good!! Let's get crazy and split a
Help me out here. Why suck?
We'll let Bruce Bollacker
answer that one for you:
where did u get the name it is kind
Our target audience has spoken.
Jamie Avera writes:
I love your zine. There is entirely
too much ass-kissing bullshit
journalism out there, and it's
refreshing to find that there are
still some people out there who
can spell, put together complete
sentences, AND speak their minds
all at the same time.
Well, we can't really spell, and
bullshit journalism practically
defines us. But, it's true, we
don't kiss ass, unless we're
nookin per nub.