VACUUM

for 22 July 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

 

 

Real Grok from the chock o'
Suckster mail! Send us a virtual
pop to the dome and avoid years of
wallowing in repressed resentment!
All mail may be unrecognizable
after we twist its meaning for our
benefit. Let us know if you're
ashamed of your God-given name and
we'll change it to "buttmunch."

 
[Aliens in My Bed]

We got plenty good mail last week,
most of it totally unrelated to
the site's content (which we find
reassuring). Of Packet FishRman by
James URL Jones, rosemary
<rosepass@village.ios.com>
writes:

 

thanks for the Packet FishRman
insight. it's hard to believe
reality is such a spoof. then
again, when i first got out of
college i worked in the ivy league
typing pool at viacom, where i saw
amazing things like a 23 year old
drooler get promoted to network
vice-president because he knew
about some unaired honeymooners
episodes. you wouldn't have
imagined it from the before
picture, but he sure looked good
in those expensive suits. don't
believe he had another idea after
the first gold strike, though. Not
while I was there anyway.

 

Anyone who climbs to the top
primarily through one decent idea
and a consistent policy on
ass-licking is bound to stumble
and/or fall eventually. Then
again, the closer contact we have
with higher-ups, the more evident
it becomes that intelligence,
competence, and bearableness are
optional features in the world of
hardball. Indeed, it sometimes
seems the only prerequisite is to
look good in expensive suits.
Luckily, we do!

 

And keli <k2heal19@eos.eos.net>
writes:

 

Wow.

Are you a Jimmy Buffett fan?

 

No.

 

 

Of Tuesday's Pitch, Dave Hicks
<dave@agency.com> writes:

 

S'funny you list Austin as a pilot
location for the Sit and Spin
franchise. Before my wife and I
moved to NYC we lived in Austin
for about eight years. We did our
laundry at a place called Clean
and Lean, one o' those
gym-cum-laundromats which were all
the range in the early '90s. We
went because the place was
actually clean, and the ratio of
operational washers and dryers was
good, not because we felt like
working on our pecs at the same
time our delicates tumbled about
in the dryer. I mean, exercise?

 

Yeah! Isn't it funny that people
still do that, move around and
sweat and stuff? Instead of Clean
and Lean, we'd prefer the "Clean
and Sizzlean" spa, in which you
either lounge by the pool sipping
Brandy Alexanders, lay in
malignancy-friendly tanning beds,
hook up to the fat-ass-jiggling
machine, or sweat out that
hangover in the sauna while
clandestinely ogling others'
nasties for cheap thrills. All the
while, some perky young lad washes
and folds your clothes with loving
care, thanks to the 20-spot you
slid into his back pocket, replete
with gratuitous ass-pinch and
knowing wink. It is to dream.

 

 

Of Thursday's Hit and Run, Steve
Sloan <SLOAN@ohm.com> writes:

 

Go ahead heathens be as sarcastic
as you want; you'll get yours on
judgement day. I see the white
light that glows from the smooth
surface of the temple. Floating,
undisturbed, calm and stable. It's
milk goddamit. It's pure and
natural. It's for all God's
children, from God's own four
legged friends. And now after
immeasureable years we have
through the wonders of technology,
that He has cultivated in our
human evolution, the Milk Mystic.
I know that I am one with milk, I
have seen, ask and received. What
wonderful times we live in.

 

What kind of, uh, "milk" are we
talking about here?

 

Nancy Dunlap <dunlap@magpage.com>
writes:

 

I was surprised today at the
dubious mention of my Page of
Delights. I was also very
surprised that whoever wrote that
stuff was able to sense my world
view, that is that the world
revolves around me...

 

Oh, well, extreme egocentrism is
pretty much the easiest worldview
to recognize, if only because we
know you're all copying us. Then
again, we could just be defensive
because we're jealous of you and
haven't been able to shake the
thought of you since we visited
your site. Oh, and... we bet you
think this column's about you.

 
[Toilet-writer]

Misha Glouberman
<misha@the-wire.com> writes:

 

Wow. Hit And Run XLIII was the
worst Suck *ever*. Really.

Lest you wondered whether we were
paying attention.

 

Oh, thank the Good Lord! What a
relief. You see, sometimes it just
seems like no one cares, like no
one is really paying attention.
We've started losing sleep at
night, tossing and tossing and
wondering: "Is anyone even out
there?" At the last editorial
meeting, Ana was heard to shout,
"Dammit, Joey, stop rambling on
about your delusional concepts.
You're wasting our time... don't
you know no one is even paying
attention
." And then this look
came over Carl's face, a look of
utter inspiration. "Wait a minute,
guys..." he began, "I've got an
idea!" Well, first, naturally, we
all applauded and cheered, because
Carl hasn't had a good idea since
that Bud.com piece he wrote 7
months ago. Then, of course, we
sneered and howled, because Carl
hasn't had a decent idea in so
damn long, this was bound to be
just another one of his crackpot
notions. Yet, even though we'd
just ingested multiple Marshmallow
Munchies out of sheer boredom, and
thus, were feeling slightly
agitated, there was a certain
gleam in his eye that we could not
deny. So a hush fell over the
room, and Carl sputtered, "An
end.... an end to the
speculation... We test them... we
test our gentle readers, see if
they care, see if they're paying
attention. I can see it: a column
- yes! A Hit and Run! Utterly
purposeless drivel, lacking the
shallowest insight or even the
faintest chuckle..." At which
point, Heather interrupted, "Wait!
How is that different from what
we're doing now?" Eyes widened
throughout the room... But no,
this column would be even worse
than the usual Suck hack piece...
a test, indeed, a crafty little
test. So simple, yet so very
brilliant! And it worked. We are
not alone, we're not just
imagining a troop of gentle
readers, you're really out there,
and you like us, you really really
like us... or, at least, you're
paying attention. Uh, are you
still there? Hello?

 

JB <in-the-dark@hype.org> writes:

 

Howdy chief:

As one of the producer types at TV
Guide Online, I was amused - if
slightly baffled - by today's
Suck.

As my editor asked me: "What
exactly are they saying?" For
once, I had no answer and mumbled
something about media paradigms
and so on.

Care to clue us all in?

 

One sentence summary: The problem
with today's Web is that all the
celebrities are VPs.

And keep in mind, if you're not
slightly baffled, it's not Suck.

 

 

Of Happie Funball's Zero Baud,
"Self-Imprudent," Patrick Maun
<Patrick.Maun@duffy.com> writes:

 

Looking up into the heavens for
answers won't help. Nor will
searching into you body. The only
TRUE SOLUTION is to stick your
head into the rich loam of
MotherEarth's bossom and EAT.
Super Blue Green(TM) Algea is your
answer. It's many benefits
include: -Increased energy,
vitality and stamina. -Enhanced
mental alertness. -Improved memory
and focus. -Improved Astral and
Spirit Travel -Greater Power -The
opportunity to own your own
business.

Truly feel the power of the GODS
when you consume this rich,
nutritious fluff. Feel you body
come ALIVE as it slowly makes its
way down your gullet to the core
of your SOUL! So what more could
you need? Stop believing the hype
and instead feel this blue green
might! Down some of this
blue/green funk today!

...or is it Dr. Bonner's?

 

You're kidding, right?

 

 

On to some general-purpose comments
and our generally purposeless
responses. Stephen Hersh
<wencelhart@earthlink.net>
writes:

 

Hey, congratulations, I looked at
Salon and Word today and your
column today is the only thing
worth reading. Same thing has
happened several times before. I
spend very little time looking at
web pages, my taste runs more to
paper magazines, but the long Suck
editorial is usually surprisingly
good. Is it always you? Who are
you? What are your credentials?

 

Credentials? Well, they did give us
these little cards that let us
into the building...

 
[Pull-String Guy]

Paul Harrington
<ludo000007@earthlink.net>
writes:

 

I just saw Tom Brokaw spouting
about msnbc on the Charlie Rose
show. Talk about spooky! With his
comments like "we (nbc) couldn't
let this whole generation
(ostensibly ... us...) slide off
into the internet (like southern
California into the ocean?)
without becoming a big part of it"
or "I believe that the internet
works best when there are
"Gatekeepers"(with mighty Bill as
the Keymaster? )...to decide what
information is relevant,
factual..." I forgot the end of
the quote, but you get the gist of
it... [End of letter omitted for
sake of space, included various
derogatory comments regarding Mr.
Brokaw's hairpiece.]

 

Tom appears to have the good
fortune of knowing very little
about the Web. We can hardly blame
the man - dining with world
leaders has to come at least a few
notches above perusing DaveNet,
don'tcha think?

Still, if MSNBC wants to avoid
faceless CNN's fate by "borrowing"
superstar Brokaw for promotional
activities, the least they could
do is give him a stiff drink and
a decent script. Given the
uninspired, deer-in-the-headlights
deliveries we've seen thus far
from Mr. Brokaw, we have a
suspicion he's counting the
minutes until his
cross-promotional contract with
MSNBC runs out.

 

Doug Prouty
<doug_prouty@praxisint.com>
writes:

 

I prefer suck to slate but I fear
suck will be words and slate will
be ideas. i know it isn't only
what you say, but how you say it.
do you think people say:

nobody says it like suck, or nobody
knows like suck?

 

More like: Nobody sucks it like
Suck, i.e., nobody says so much
and knows so little. Yet, you
picked up on one of the most
important and pivotal concepts
behind the Suck editorial vision,
(indeed, the one rule on which we
can agree): Suck will always
include words.

 

greg <gmeyers@webbernet.net>
writes:

 

PLEASE PLEASE ADD A LINK TO MY PAGE
FROM YOUR SITE!! Please, I want to
get more hits! my page is really
cool check it out and the please
put a link to my page from "Suck".
I want to get hits please!!

go to my page it rocks then put a
link there. ok?

 

Well, based on the eloquence of
your request, we're doing our
readers a favor by informing them
of as fascinating and insightful a
website as yours.

P.S. So, the check's in the mail?

 

Kris Harris <Kris@cks.com> writes:

 

Your web product is sooooooo
Cooooooool! You guys at suck are
truly the yardstick by which
absolute hipness is measured.
That's why you get to be so
arrogant.

 

Well, we've been shipping product
for some time now, but it's great
to hear from yet another satisfied
consumer.

Oh, and we should tell you that we
were arrogant long before we
exported hipness yardsticks.
Remember, arrogance is an
affliction, Kris, and we may be
laughing on the outside, but on
the inside, it hurts - it hurts
bad.

 

SMF User <jts@mail.utexas.edu>
writes:

 

I don't know whether to thank you
or masturbate.

 

Funny how often that issue, er,
comes up. Usually, just after the
first date, of course. But like we
always say: "When in doubt, spank
the monkey." Or was that "When in
doubt, thank the monkey"? Or,
uh... "Wank the hunky"? Or, maybe
"Crank the stank if it's dank and
funky"?

 
[Coffin]

Mr. Nothing
<nothing@money.autosex.com>
writes:

 

Carlo, testy the Procter a mynah
Goren! Mediterranean the
journeyman the wright and
Caldwell. Gerund, stenography the
tradesmen retiree with induct an
Alberich. Sacrilege the
thanksgiving, mucus. Gigaherz!
Legal! Alyssum. Instill concubine,
olden the Bradbury! Guide,
technocrat a dessert with
dysplasia. Ovum a Banks,
someplace. Paperweight, woeful,
quanta Fitzroy quart toe. Cyanide,
neckline. Dwarf, why, sentry!
Netherlands shirk, Yeats the
testicular. Cassandra a Wyoming,
compass Janus and testate boric
besotted leggy Nicholson an ersatz
procrustean! Stratosphere loosen
alkane and carboxylic Vaudois.
Copybook and tinder! Gruesome,
Darwinian, petri and turnip the
brow assessor, leapfrog...
Cosmetic, nutshell the uppercut.
Fervent fireproof reb, butternut
the Burnside! Procrustes onto the
Poland the Delphic! Irretrievable
with NBS. Denmark, sidetrack the
bey the tinfoil. Palatine. Goat.

 

Nimnook, hounding the Accutane
smoothie! Quicken the beamish
intrusions, secure nutmeg...
Raunchy! Coffee, sad Hobbit,
feather flesh. Flaccid crackhead,
way new appendage! Delicious, if
inutile. Crustaceans in Dep Gel
(forever). Bobo? Scout the elusive
mingle, tactile promotion. Piss
boy (proletariat fish) pace the
minty accusations! Ass.

 

courtesy of
Polly Esther
and you