for 24 June 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

[Love Mail]

REAL LIVE reader mail! Send us a
surly note and see your name in
lights! All mail may be edited for
length, clarity, or a cheap laugh.


Many a wily suck reader fired off
email in response to Dr. Dreidel's
Drunk on Futurism. TA Davis
<> writes:

I was interested to read today's
article on futurists as I am one
of the lucky few to have been
recently invited to the Year 2000
Conference and Expo. The
invitation is a flashy atypical
brochure expounding the virtues of
preperation and education
concerning the "Year 2000

While never touching the subject of
what the "Year 2000 Challenge"
actually is the doubletalk is


  • Overview of the enormity and
    complexity of the Year 2000

  • Detailed implementation and
    deployment approaches and

  • Available tool and technology
    support for Year 2000 planning and

  • Practitioner and Management tracks
    to address all aspects of the

  • Participation in a network of key
    players sharing best
    implementation expieriences.

    Yes! All this and less can be yours
    for a mere $1095.00! Don't miss
    it, Whatever the hell IT is.

    We got the same invitation! And
    since we consider ourselves "key
    players," we're planning to set up
    our own conference booth in the
    lobby, featuring cold ginger ales
    and free samples of Alka Seltzer,
    for those whose only plans are to
    party like it's 1999. We're also
    hiring Barry Manilow to give a
    talk entitled: "2000: It's Just
    Another Year, Another Year Like
    All The Rest," as a means of
    defusing some of the stress
    conference participants will feel
    after learning about all the
    "tools" and "planning" they'll
    need in just 3.5 years...

  • [Dutch Blue]

    Brent Palmer

    Just in case a lot of crackpots
    have asked you about the
    Netherlands being the world axis
    mundi, I just want to mention for
    the record that I am not terribly

    But why is it that we believe
    (because I do too) that there will
    be a world gov't run out of
    Holland? I believe that. Is there
    some insidious/ubiquitous prophecy
    machine playing into our ears
    Direct from the Cultural Clogging

    Where does this idea come from that
    Netherlands will rule? ... does
    this belief have roots in
    genuinely crackpot born-again
    Christfanatics what with their
    seventies stories of the 666
    mainframe in the Netherlands?
    Remember Hal Lindsay's horrible,
    cheesy moustache? Does our
    sentiment come from beneath that:
    from his lips?

    What are you guys thinking? Why
    have I thought this? What is the
    basis for this? CERN? Am I a

    I think not. I'm running for
    congress here in Kern County,

    Uhh... okay! Good luck! Hey - can
    you give us directions to the
    Cultural Clogging Lounge? That
    place sounds cool.


    Regarding St. Huck's take on smart
    , Uncle Bob
    <> writes:

    Great Column. Being in my eighth
    decade you are talking to the
    recipient of smart drugs from the
    word go. My first was sulfur and
    molasses in the spring. Milk of
    Magnesia every Sunday night.
    Buttermilk every winter. Argyrol
    for colds (built Dr. Barnes Museum
    and the artwork he picked showed
    he was on smart drugs too). Cod
    liver oil. Then came WW II and
    Benzadrine and Geritol. Alcohol
    carried me up to the present (and
    I never inhaled). Don't be too
    hard on old bald Mensa people for
    I go to SUCK first thing after the
    comics. Sometime I hope to meet
    the clowns that write your
    excellent column.

    We clowns stick to a regular flow
    of caffeine, the occasional
    Hostess Snoball, and the weekly
    pint o' bitter. But then, we ain't
    so smart, so...

    [Ezra Pound]

    Of Ersatz's piece on typefaces, Tom
    Dowe <>

    I understand that the June 18th
    Suck was aimed retro typefaces,
    but a serious charge was also made
    about those of us who use

    After several years of dismally low
    creative output on computers, I
    bought myself a manual Olivetti in
    February of 1995. The experience
    of typing - and therefore not
    being able to "throw away"
    anything at the mere touch of a
    "del" key - changed my life. I
    have written and published more in
    the past year than I had in the
    preceding seven.

    This is not to say I eschew
    computers or e-mail; nor am I so
    craven or dim-witted as to
    announce that What Works for Me is
    a ideology of nostalgia to which
    others should adhere. Still, the
    benefits are worth mentioning.
    Slower typing speed and correcting
    difficulties mean one's powers of
    judgment come into play more
    often: how might I best and most
    purposefully express this idea, in
    contradistinction to the uniformly
    affectless cynicism which
    characterizes Gen-X
    stream-of-consciousness blather
    like Douglas Coupland? What am I
    actually trying to say, as opposed
    to spew?

    One would think that any e-zine
    willing to publish a "Zero Baud"
    installment by Paul Lukas
    (Inconspicuous Consumer) would
    appreciate the value - which is
    not to say fetishizing - of
    non-wired technolgies like manual
    typewriters, Brannock devices, and
    toothpick dispensers. Lukas works
    in the tradition of William Carlos
    Williams, John Dewey, and Henry
    David Thoreau. Suck's mode, it
    seems, is uniformly that of Ezra

    While we never meant to slander
    retro typefaces OR typewriters per
    se, we can see how, when an issue
    is this close to your heart, you
    can't help but hear
    Deliverance-quality slander
    everywhere. We understand. Why,
    just the other day young Joey was
    quite convinced that everyone in
    the office was intent on rummaging
    through his chaffingly "indie
    cred" CDs, when we were really
    just hungrily searching for an old
    french fry that Carl had flicked
    across the room a few weeks ago!

    You seem to be suggesting that if
    we rattled away on an old behemoth
    typewriter, Liquid Paper in hand,
    we might stop the mindless blather
    facilitated by our nimble extended
    keyboards... We don't buy it. Our
    ways may seem tainted to the
    purist, but have you forgotten
    that the pure products of America
    go crazy? Besides, we think we're
    better than Ezra...

    [Jethro T. Fish]

    Of Filler, <>

    Damn Polly you really SUCK!!!! Why
    don't you get a brain? or at least
    gradiate da six grade Jethro!!!
    Not one word of you page made any
    sense, Idiot!!!!

    Thank you for your insightful and
    instructive observations regarding
    Filler. At this time, we are
    taking concrete steps to avoid
    this problem by screening future
    applicants to insure that they
    have, in fact, gradiated da six

    More proof that a solid education
    is invaluable to highly
    suggestible young Idiots! We wish
    you the best of luck in completing


    Of Jacques Merde's classic
    Zerobaud, The Free, Dumb Fighters,
    Joseph Chonacky

    In three words: ba ha HA!

    Your incessantly formulaic cynicism
    has managed once more to tickle
    me. But like every young white
    male with time to kill and a
    computer to kill it on, I've got a
    better idea.

    During your inevitable days of
    breathless Armageddon, splash that
    name across the American televised
    landscape on large, ineptly
    hand-painted banners strung up in
    the trees of the compound. See to
    it that your lowercase a's and u's
    are indistinguishable from each
    other. Then, in your semi-literate
    press releases and manifestos,
    alternately refer to yourselves as
    the Really Super Cool Guys, and
    the Really Super Cool Gays.
    Haughtily rebuff all media
    requests for clarification. Act as
    manly as you possibly can. Leave
    the gals at home.

    Properly done, the resulting
    psychic mayhem unleashed in the
    already ambiguous gun-and-camo set
    could last for fifteen years,
    instead of fifteen minutes.

    Damn straight! We thought about
    doing that with Sack/Suck! The
    media would become confused: Are
    they trying to say everything on
    the Web sucks, or are they
    boasting about their Web
    "manliness" in the most blatant
    and vomit-inducing way - via
    intellectual one-upmanship? We
    also briefly considered "Schmuck,"
    but it hit a little too close to
    home. But then we realized the
    media wouldn't care.


    Kevin Teague <>

    I use the internet, and I saw your
    web page and I liked it.

    Once you start using, man, it's
    hard to get clean. We'd strongly
    advise putting down that mouse
    right now and backing away,
    slowly, without making any sudden


    Finally, Rob Flynn
    <> inquires:

    Do any of you Sucksters get a
    paycheck? How do you live off
    people like me who stumble into
    your web?

    No, but they keep our nappies clean
    and let us stay up late to watch
    Fantasy Island reruns. It's much
    better than that last place...