VACUUM

for 3 June 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

 
[Alien Lawyer]
Our prankish little alien
conspiracy memo
on the
Stim/Spiv/HotWired/Suck/etc. etc.
circle jerk had 'em rolling in the
aisle, seeing double, and breaking
out the Spiv lawyers (hey, talk to
the aliens, OK?), with further
evidence of the ET conspiracy:

" ...[I]t is our opinion that this
same site contains inaccurate
and/or misleading statements
regarding SPIV and/or HotWired's
relationship with SPIV in the
article, 'The Usual Suspects.'
Accordingly, we request that you
remove such inaccurate and/or
misleading information
immediately."

- Donna K. Lewis (Assistant General
Counsel, Turner Broadcasting
System, Inc.)

Okay, fine. You had to provoke us,
didn't you? Now there's nothing
stopping us from divulging the
coordinates of the MUTHASHIP!!!

 
[Lost In Space]

Scott White <scott_white@hp.com>,
upon reading the piece, had this,
um, "vision":

"My little world is in a state of
chronic imbalance.

I'm so thoroghly confused about
this whole media-incest thing
that, frankly, I've lost my
usually even-keeled demeanor. Just
who the hell do you think you
are...I haven't been so bewildered
since the first time I tried to
read Gravity's Rainbow, and it
took me nearly a month to fully
recover from that.

If I'd known that all you 'We're
so hip we could just pee' folks
were really all the same group of
misguided, not to mention
obviously underemployed, trouble
makers, I'd have tried to get out
long ago.

For now, though, I'm stuck here
because I have to get my sarcasm
and cynicism somewhere, and since
I don't (and won't) live in the
big SF, this little portal will
have to do. Maybe I'll start my
own club of disenfranchised
whiners (not that there's anything
wrong with that) and populate the
up-and-coming world of billboard
advertising with visually
palletable, but emotionally and
intellectually damaging messages
for the stupid, lazy and
disinterested to mull over on
their evening commute...

They won't even know what hit 'em.

Hey, does that qualify as a
vision???

Hugs and Seizures,

- Scott A White
Sometimes liar and wannabee
surfer."

Scott, have your guys call our
guys. Pronto - our upstart media
octopus still has vacancies.

The same article brought this dire
warning from e.e. cummings
impersonator and amateur
statistician Andrew "the other
one" Sullivan
<ajsullivan@worldnet.att.net>:

"Something I noticed....

References to Suck in Suck
------------------
date: #
5/20: 1
5/21: 0
5/22: 0
5/23: 1
5/24: 0
week: 2

5/27: 1
5/28: 0
5/29: 0
5/30: 1
5/31: 6
week: 8

Up by 300% from last week! If
you're not careful, you'll turn
into Wired.

- andrew sullivan (not that one,
the other one)"

Other one what, andy?

While we so enjoy fan mail, well,
sometimes things get just a little
too cozy:

"Date: Thu, 30 May 1996 10:54:50
From: Lynn
<76571.2555@CompuServe.COM>
To: HotStud@Suck.Com
Subject: #######DENVER########
Organization: CompuServe, Inc.
(1-800-689-0736)

hi

i am 38, 6'3" 195 brown hair blue
eyes, and would love for you to
suck my cock.

-John"

We'll have HotStud get back to you.
He's in Denver at the moment.

 
[Blubber]

And speaking of blubber:

Robert Milson <milson@math.umn.edu>
couldn't help (wait for it)
spouting off about his love of
this week's Filler:
"Thank you
also for the exploding whale
reference. That one was funny for
at least two reasons. To be
honest, I enjoy stories about
exploding whales (while abhoring
the actual practice)."

Uh, that's only one reason, Robert.

And finally, anecdotal evidence
poured in from Dr. Alan S.
Kornheiser in reaction to Ann O'
Tate's Faith Popcorn hagiography:

"Long ago when the world was young
and I was a Market Research
Director, Faith made a
presentation. We listened; even
then, best beloved, when the world
was young, she had a reputation of
being ahead of the curve. We
thanked her. We reviewed what she
had left behind. And we concluded
that we were being asked to pay
quite a lot of money for Faith to
tell us whatever she decided to
make up as she went along. She
was, in fact, offering to provide
us with butter to put in our
watches, and it was the very best
butter there was.

We believed that; we thought in
fact it would be the very best
butter. We did not purchase her
services. We survived. She
survived. I have since changed a
bit; by the evidence, she has not.
Live long."

Thanks, Alan. In our more
optimistic moments, we plan on
having long lives, wealthy
clients, and prosperous careers
telling people paradigm-busting
truths they already know. In
weaker moments, we perform
risk-benefit analyses on watch vs.
butter sales.

 

courtesy of
Da Man
and you