VACUUM

for 13 May 1996. Updated every MONDAY.


 
[Love Mail]

[Hate Mail]

[Weird Mail]

A few of you noticed the change in Suck
this past week. Well, actually, a whole
shitload of you noticed. And couldn't help
giving your two cents on every damn thing
we did. You love it. You hate it. You're
perplexed. A short sampling:

 

About the interface: I hate the new interface . . .
The Suck-Face 2.0 is a very nice content container. I
look forward to you guys filling it with many
interesting bytes . . . Makes Suck impossible to read
without putting half of the browser offscreen. Fix
it . . . Overly clever design only impresses other
designers. It's why normal people skip the first
six pages of Wired . . . Terrific interface, and a
wonderful way to raise the bar on net.advertising . . .
luv the new look . . . I kind of feel like when the
guys in Kiss all released their own solo albums . . . I
realize it takes courage to change and to move on,
especially when you've already got something good.
So right on, make it happen . . . For what it's worth,
I think your new interface is very nice. I especially
enjoyed the passive highlighting thing when I roll
over your section titles . . . the graphics are nice, neat
and clean, and the new logo sure is pretty . . . I want
Suck to be reduced to a list of links to HotWired and
c|net, with maybe a paragraph or two of original
content dutifully farted out once a month, if that . . .
Enter this as flame-of-yer-halfassed-overindulgent-
javainfested-frameoozing-redesign number whatever
. . . I like the new Suck, will miss the old, but
progress is progress . . . I always thought the old
Courier was buttugly and needed to be shitcanned
. . . Hello!!! Great looking and beautifully
executed!!! Love you, Mommy Dearest . . .

 

About "selling out": It's just another infomercial . . .
Take the M.O.N.E.Y. and run . . . Today was a
very sad day. Suck is dead. Long live suck! . . .
don't feel too bad. everyone looses the pallor of
virginal inocence eventually . . . Hope you all get rich
. . . Rather than no-holds-barred commentary on the
crap on the Web, will Suck now bow down to the
corporate monsters it once parodied? . . . When are
the Sucksters going public? . . . go to it people (when
I was young I used to say men). You either advance
or retrogress, you don't stay the same. You were
good in the past, chances are you will be good in the
future. - Old man Bob . . .

 

About frames: [before 2.0] I like Suck, but it
could be better with the flip of a switch - frames . . .
[and after] Another vapid Suck column. Now with
frames - so that you can have a dumbfuck animated
advertiser's icon. No thanks . . . Well, at least they're
tastefully laid out frames . . . In a word, my problem
is: frames. They bite. Are awkward. And just plain
don't work well . . . Hmm. This is the one of the few
times I've seen frames used where they weren't
completely irritating . . . I am appalled! Therefore I
love it . . . I always felt frames were too busy, and a
waste of time. Your site has made me reconsider my
previous standpoint . . . Thrust your collective finger
down my throat and take me as only you can.
Frames? EEEEEWWWWW! . . . I was debating
whether to implement frames on my own page - but
no more. Now that Suck does it, it must be okay,
right?

 

About Java: You have found a way to make the net
as annoying as television; actually, even more so,
since your commercials are continuous. [We fixed
that. -ed.]
I won't be back . . . How did you get it
to highlight the text when the cursor moves over it???
That's AMAZING . . . Is the future of Java to
deliver those horrid little ad-minations, always just
off-kilter, sight-wise, in that immovable,
unshrinkable frame? Yuck . . . can i kill that horse?
how? i keep thinking bad thoughts about it and it just
keeps wiggling . . . much of what you're doing with
the Java applets is still "early adopter" stuff, in my
opinion . . . I really dig the new Suck layout and Java
stuff. The ads are done very tastefully. And it's about
time you started making money from your
writing.

 

About the ads: I know this sounds a little odd,
but I *really* like your ads. They're the best I've
encountered thus far . . . i want to bite the hand that
feeds me, i want to bite that hand so badly, i want to
make them wish they never met me . . . Don't let the
ads bias you towards trying to keep readers from
surfing away . . . Don't worry, you still suck. I've
got a buck or two riding on the number of wanna-be
cool types who bag on you for sucking the teet of the
ad dollar. Who cares? Money is money . . . Carry on,
fatboys! . . .

 

. . . and this nail in the coffin of
earnestness:

I would like to tell you guys that I am very impressed
with the new site. The Java applets hardly distract me
from reading the "content" at all! Not only that, but
your sponsors are great. That TheEastVillage joint
sounds like some real fun. I thought there was some
kind of altercation between those guys over there and
some Steadman character. He works for you, right?
But really now, who cares about details? Lack of
short-term memory is the track upon which the great
freight train of capitalism glides.

But enough pointless sarcasm. You guys are virtually
legit now, and frankly, I'm proud to say that I've
Sucked from the beginning (almost). Sometimes I
wish that I could share my love to Suck with others,
but then again, if they haven't found it by now, fuck
'em . . . Forget I said that, you have your sponsors to
think of now. Enjoy the balancing act.
- Martin Beauchamp

 

The home page/bookmark thing: You're no
longer my browser's home page, and i will not
return. you really do suck . . . Yer deleted from my
bookmark file. Good luck, and polish up those
resumes for the print world, as the Web is beginning
its death throes . . . suck WAS my Netscape home
page . . . Set your browsers to the heart of the sun
. . . Halfway through the ballpoint pen blurb, I
realized you've still got an enjoyable site - even with
ads. You're still my Netscape home page after all . . .

 

Plays off the word Suck: You Suck You Suck
You Suck You Suck . . . No, not some cute joke
about how "Suck sucks". I'm dead honest. Suck 2.0
is an abortion . . . The new Suck does . . . I can't
believe that you've finally lived up to your namesake
. . . At first I was infuriated at your new format. Then
it hit me: you used to only call yourselves Suck, but now
you really do! . . . The new format sucks. You
continue to live up to your reputation. Please continue
. . . The new Suck sucks . . . So as of today those
who Suck are fucked, too. Kewl. I 'spose. or cruel?
. . . what the fuck, Suck? . . .

 

And, finally, career advice:

First: open an account in the Caymans. Easier access,
better weather than Zurich, and the Swiss are getting
moral in their old age. Alternatively, Cyprus. Second:
practice inserting sardonic laugh at the point in the
anecdote (remember, you're telling this as the late
afternoon sun glints through the porticoes of The
Club above the harbour in Georgetown or,
alternatively, Nicosia, so squint as you smile) when
you say, "And of course version two crashed their
browsers, and they still came back for more!
Suckers, yes, but that's the point. They wanted to be
used - sucked, if you will." And the lackey will
interject, "Carl, tell them about how they
clicked-through to that beer sponsor, only to find they
couldn't click back out of the suds site . . ." [We
fixed that. -ed.]
Third: Congratulations. Home:
Live the po-motto: Nothing stands for anything, so
you can stand for nothing. - George Emerson

 

A tip of the ol' gimme hat to:
jh99 <jh99@cts.com>
Ken Langley <langley@med.unc.edu>
Peter Nou <peter@everyday.se>
tom bregman <tbregman@graphnet.com>
Nick Montfort <montfort@well.com>
BaoPhac Do <baophac@sgi.com>
Matt Spolin <Matt_Spolin@hgsi.com>
EMI, Inc. <emi@imagem.com>
Jon <jmarler@computek.net>
Steve Burdic <sburdic@services.state.mo.us>
Cole <cole@vivid.com>
George Emerson <grace@passport.ca>
Bob DuCharme <bducharme@riasmtp.riatax.com>
Brian Atkins <brian@homecom.com>
Christian Saether <christians@asymetrix.com>
Luke Seemann <lukeseem@stardot.com>
Travis J.I. Corcoran <tjic@OpenMarket.com>
Steven Johnson <stevenj@feedmag.com>
luis fernandes <elf@ee.ryerson.ca>
Patrick Maier <PMAIER@hklaw.com>
brian mcnally <mcnally@ni.net>
Kevin Purcell <Kevin@ndev.com>
Jason Hillyard <jrh@as.ucsb.edu>
adam margulies <adam@studio.sgi.com>
Josh Rotenberg <josh@chiba.com>
Jeremy Bergsman <jeremybb@leland.stanford.edu>
Stephanie <steff@sirius.com>
P J Moy <pjmoy@ix.netcom.com>
tim cosgrove <tfc2@cornell.edu>
G. Christopher Schabel <cschabel@txdirect.net>
NorelPref <trubeat@seldon.terminus.com>
Jason Osgood <jason@parcom.com>
Dave Skwarczek <dave@streams.com>
Tom Erlewine <erlewine@mail.ev.net>
Eric Vitiello Jr. <pixel@iglou.com>
and a whole bunch of others . . .

 

courtesy of
Da Man
and you