for 6 May 1996. Updated every MONDAY.

[Love Mail] Love Suck. People see the name and
get all smooshy and start taking
liberties. Understandable,
considering how scores
in profane search engine
queries. For instance, John Innes
<> finds Suck
to be
"Super, Smooth, and Sexy."
Kurt Ramsauer <>
says he really loves us, but then
pushes forward into the intimate:
"How many hits do you guys get per
day?" If we remember to shower and
maintain a good appearance, well,
still none . . . MISS O GARCIA
<> professes
"an ignorant bastardette,
lost in your words." See? And we
haven't even been on a date . . .
Peter Burke <>
readily admits he loves Suck
a thirsty dog at an open toilet."
Don't take us there, Pete . . . Then
there's the May/December thang:
says Craig Menefee
"No kiddin'
though - speaking as a cranky
subsenior near-bright citizen of
53, I've not found a more readable
and enjoyable daily column
anywhere than what you folks at
Suck post every day. Makes me
wonder how you do it. Uh oh - I
feel a conspiracy theory coming
on." Take two aspirin, Craig, and
lay down on the grassy knoll . . .
We're not easy, though MGCAH2
perhaps after reflecting on our
MTV2 piece, would like to think
"u guys suck the big dick of
rock and roll." But do we spit or
swallow? . . . We can't ignore, of
course, the more tender one-on-one
missives, especially to the fairer
Sucksters: says Jon
<> of our own Ms.
"If Suck was a gaudily
colored playland filled with
houses of candy and
sickly-sweet-smelling children
(garish colors, vapid content,
needlessly pompous brats:
HotWired!), you would certainly be
the queen of them all, strawberry
shortcake." Or this little note to
Polly Esther from Joseph Nechvatal
"Cogitabis cum
quem seruum tuum vocas ex esdem
sominibus ortum esse, eodem frui
caelo, aequi spirare, aeque
viuere, aeque mori! Tam tu illum
uidere ingenuum potes quam ille te
seruum. Soneque, Lettce u Luci
Pius." As our kid brothers used to
say, Eeeewwww! (or
Wwwweeee-ay!) . . .
. . . But as with any romance, there
comes a time for discomforting
personal revelations, like those
from Anthony D'Andrea
<>, who, in an
apparent fit of ambiguous
confessional frankness, declares
"I liked your site (I think!). I
am tempted to write some music
reviews for you. I've played
guitar since 1965. My last band
broke up in 1969, and with the
current state of the industry, I
don't want to get back in. When I
see Twisted Sister, I see Bozo the
Clown on acid, trapped in an Avon
Lady's bathroom." Tony (we can
call you Tony, right?), forget the
music career - the field is lousy
with rattlesnakes (unlike
interactive multimedia, which is
lousy with water moccasins) . . . But
like they say, it's a thin line
between love Suck and . . .
[Hate Mail] Hate Suck. We at one time thought
"Suck. We admit it." would
keep us from the heartbreak, but
write a column that doesn't catch
someone's fancy and they turn on
you. Commenting on last Friday's
piece on booze on the Web
"Snooze Land. Break out the
shot guns!" Tough crowd indeed.
And also contentious. To know
Suck, apparently, is to pick
(food) fights with us. Or at least
so advances the culinarily-touchy
Steve <>, who
takes umbrage with the Duke of URL
using the Taco Bell Double-Decker
Taco as a metaphor
for everyone's
favorite online service, AOL:
"Today's comparison of AOL's
Virtual Places to the
Double-Decker Taco is way off the
mark," he declares. After
informing us that the food item
will henceforth be referred to as
"TB/DDT," he waxes damn near poetic
about how the
"grippability and
traction of the Traditional
(hard-shell) Taco Bell Taco is wed
with the tear-resistance of the
Soft Taco." Steve concludes by
warning us
"not to become so jaded
as to lose sight of those technological
breakthroughs that really do make
our lives better." Next stop:
worship . . .
Bill Tompkins
<> also
weighed in on the Duke's Monday
column, praising
"Good Suck
today." But he could only hold his
breath for so long:
"Just so you
know, hoi polloi in Greek means
'the common people.' *The* hoi
polloi is a little redundant.
Remember, we're counting on YOU to
educate future generations in the
proper use of English. Or, well,
maybe not." . . . A recovering AOL
chat room-aholic declares that
"this virtual place idea strikes
me as nothing more than a way for
AOL to spread its sticky floored
chat slime all over the WWW. I
suppose AOL will have their famous
'guides' as well, to make sure
that the chat doesn't get too
sticky." Eeeewwww! . . . Robert St.
James <>,
meanwhile, would show us how it's
"Can't believe you'd
actually hang around in AOL chat
rooms. What's next? Picking up
16-yr-olds on Telegraph Ave with
promises of Rufenol & endless
supplies of gold spray paint?"
What, that works?
. . . Habib Wicks
begs to differ with Ann O'Tate's
eyebrow raise over Web fringe
, including her sincere
doubt that Playboy embraces a
radical feminist agenda:
obviously do not know any men who
have been thouroughly screwed by
wives in divorce proceedings, and
who continue to be screwed by
judges in a system that treats all
men, good and bad, the same."
However, Matt Rosoff
<> counters that
O'Tate's piece
"is brilliant.
Whoever you are, I hope you get
paid for this or something like
it." Let's not get any wild ideas,
Matt . . . Of course, all the
negative energy can eventually
result in . . .
[Weird Mail] Weird Suck. Like a night of
the full moon in a downtown
emergency room in a B-grade retro
flick, we seem to inspire the
unusual. Take Avery Hammonds
<>, who
wonders where our priorities are,
opining that we should
"go to work
on a Lyle Lovett channel for the
late 20's crowd." Better a Lovett
channel than channelling Elvis
again . . . Matias Martinez
<> can't help but
well BITE OUR VESPAS! . . . Mike
<> is the kind
of guy who obviously likes to cut
to the chase, get to the bottom
line, and make the big point:
"Anyhow, this really is just
another inconsequential response
to the content of your page
because I've no suggestions to
offer - as if it matters, I short
you only a guffaw by this - nor do
I really concern myself with it
that much. I just thought I'd send
this anyhow, since everyone is out
to lunch and I've got nothing to
do at the moment." . . . Robert
Dobrin <>
wonders about the Suck concerning
the current net.stock fever:
read your essay, and now feel
pretty unsatisfied because I've
totally missed your point. What is
it?" You know, the Fish . . .

courtesy of
Da Man
and you