Suck

for 10 December 1996. Updated every TUESDAY.



	1800FLOWERS.com meets Forest Lawn
	Mortuaries... on the web!

	Comfort the grieving - especially those
	you barely know - with the customization
	and promptness you expect from
	intelligent agents. Death is indiscreet -
	your condolences shouldn't be.

	Tired of finding out months late that an
	idol, distant relative, or reclusive
	coworker has passed on? Condolences.com
	uses partnerships with local papers and
	hot programming ventures to make
	embarrassing Sympathy Delay a thing of
	the past. You are instantly notified via
	email (or pager for high-end - likely
	elderly - PCS subscribers) and can begin
	the process of selecting an appropriate
	bouquet and card - or let Condolences.com
	pick them for you. Unlike established
	flower delivery services, Condolences.com
	quickly and proactively handles those
	awkward occasions when contact with next
	of kin or acquaintance with the deceased
	is absent.



	Baby Boomers are characterized by two
	growing trends: their increasing
	acceptance of the Internet and their
	knowledge of people who will die soon.
	Using the former to merchandise the
	latter exploits the popularity of
	"postcard applications" and the
	much-hyped promise of the Internet to
	substitute for meaningful face-to-face
	contact. But unlike the cheesy crassness
	or disturbing unpleasantness of the
	B-grade spam currently available,
	Condolences.com sends real flowers to
	real people... discreetly.

	A user profile guides an intelligent agent
	in scanning obituaries from across the
	nation. As soon as the death notice hits
	the copy desk, be the deceased a rarely
	seen hometown friend, old coworker, or a
	celebrity the user admires, our system
	begins collating relevant data and
	selects a bouquet using Perl scripts
	optimized for their sense of tact.

	P-TRAK and similar databases provide most
	of the necessary data the service needs.
	The user supplies as much family
	information as he can; then robots and
	public records do the rest. The user can,
	of course, configure the system to locate
	almost anyone and trail him/her to their
	demise. Hires from Microsoft's Office
	division will program wizards to compose
	natural-sounding sympathy notes.

	After establishing the brand's reputation
	for finesse, 2.0 will expand to handle
	one-night stands. Agents will have to be
	ramped up to handle facial descriptions,
	since names usually will be unavailable.

courtesy of Screed Racer