Suck

for 19 November 1996. Updated every TUESDAY.



	Marimba's Tuner meets the storefront
	clairvoyant... on your desktop!

	Forget tuning into dull content:
	Channel.com uses the latest Java delivery
	system to communicate with those on the
	other side of the big firewall in the
	sky.

	The old adage "content is king" sounds
	great, but what if you want your content
	to be the king (Elvis, that is)? Well, if
	you thought Marimba channels amounted to
	stock tickers and sports scores, think
	again. Channel.com allows you to use your
	TCP/IP connection as a telepathic route
	to the next dimension by allowing you to
	communicate with the dead. Forget those
	expensive trips to Madam Sadie. Her
	predictions are just so... old-media, and
	it all seems so fake. Forget those
	confusing sessions with the Ouija board.
	*You've been right all along, it was* the**
	other guy who was pushing that thing
	around. Let technology make your
	spiritual communications easier. Just
	fire up Channel.com, and you're on your
	way to finding out just why Uncle Ben
	wrote you out of his will.



	For a nominal fee, Channel.com provides
	you with over 100 channels for use with
	your new Marimba Tuner software. Maybe
	you want to rap with Kennedy, or ask Mr.
	Oswald if he had any help. Maybe you want
	*to find out what Vince Foster really* did**
	with those FBI files. Channel.com has
	these, and hundreds of other legendary
	corpses ready for your every inquiring
	packet. And remember, this isn't static
	communication. Keep your tuner open and
	updating, and you'll get a constant
	stream of otherworldly information, right
	to your desktop.

	How do we do it? By combining old-time
	clairvoyance with cutting-edge
	technology, Channel.com keeps you tuned
	into the afterlife 24 hours a day. We've
	assembled the world's greatest channelers
	to feed you a constant stream of
	divination straight from the source,
	whether it be Joan of Arc chatting from a
	cloud, or Jim Jones coming at you
	straight from H-E-double-toothpicks. And
	if a famous corpse isn't what you're
	looking for, don't worry. Channel.com
	allows you to set up your own custom
	channels, allowing you an open connection
	to any worm-holed relative. Never fear:
	If they're dead, we'll find 'em.
	This one is a no-brainer. Marimba is so
	hot right now, anything related to it
	will sell like hotcakes. The words
	"CHANNEL" and "JAVA" in 49-point type
	on the cover of the business plan will be
	enough to start a VC bidding war. As for
	infrastructure, we're home free. A couple
	of servers running Marimba's Transmitter
	serving up a Pointcast clone and a simple
	Java chat applet will do the trick.
	Charge the suckers (er, clients) a fee
	per channel per month. You can even do
	package deals (Napoleon and Josephine,
	Anthony and Cleopatra, Sid and Nancy),
	bringing in big bucks from the truly
	tabloid-addicted . A quick trip through
	the yellow pages will yield a plethora of
	storefront soothsayers ready for a steady
	income. Bring them in, give them a
	terminal, and have them do their stuff.
	Soon we'll have a bank of mystics
	clogging the bandwidth with New Age
	fluff, and filling the coffers with
	old-style cash.

courtesy of Red Howard