Suck

for 24 September 1996. Updated every TUESDAY.



	The Humane Society meets Where's
	Waldo on the back of milk cartons -
	convienently chilled with a Lotto
	twist... on the Web!

	Lassie need never leave home again
	with Milkbone.com... reuniting
	Fluffy with the kids and wealth
	with the masses has never been
	easier, or more fun!

	Whether they strike one as adorable
	or detestable, the thousands of grainy
	pictures of Rover and Meowser littering
	home pages across the Web are the writing
	on the wall for the somnolent pet care
	industry. While people may forego erratic
	human companionship for a hardy leased
	line, a cat is likely to remain parked
	on mousers' lonely laps... until disaster
	strikes, and Cupcake disappears. A basic
	truth, known for centuries to erudite
	and forward-thinking extortionists, is that
	people will pay not only for the security
	of their loved ones, but also for the
	dream of being reunited to those thought
	lost. Milkbone not only takes this local -
	yet widespread - industry from the domain
	of telephone poles, it turns it into a
	compassionate, community-minded, but,
	*above all, lucrative* recreational**
	activity.



	The Milkbone pet database is more than a
	collection of SPCA stats, microchip
	tracking charts, and the CatFancy mailing
	list, it's a dynamic registration system
	for any wired pet owner. For a nominal
	service fee, concerned "parents" can build
	an extensive multimedia profile of their
	little darlings, as comprehensive as any
	law enforcement dossier. The value-add
	arrives with region-specific Milkbone
	mailing list, which sends up-to-the-minute
	alerts on AWOL critters, with rewards
	adjusted in relation to registration
	revenue, much like state lotteries. As the
	service grows in popularity and publicity,
	opportunities for pre-planned, coordinated
	dog and cat chases present themselves -
	events where an infected pet is released
	on a pre-scheduled date and hunted down
	by gaming enthusiasts, who must work
	swiftly to track the pet before the disease
	takes the poor animal's life. Celebrity
	endorsements (The Shaggy D.A., Babe,
	and Spuds MacKenzie are clear favorites)
	should be coupled with jackpot winners
	for irresistable human-interest-story
	opportunities.

	The start-up costs, which would include
	hardware purchases and database
	construction, will likely be less
	daunting than publicity expenditures,
	which will be crucial to mass adoption.
	Leveraging the pet registration database
	off an existing brand - such as Milkbone -
	can reduce the necessity to rely on
	traditional tools to raise consumer
	awareness, such as advertising, while
	the opportunity for cross-promotions
	should enhance both the online and retail
	products. Amortizing start-up costs
	through sponsored webcast euthanizations
	might be a possibility, although this
	could provoke negative reactions from
	radical "humanitarian" groups. This,
	combined with the possibility that
	opportunists might manufacture hostage
	scenarios to capitalize on rewards,
	suggest that in-house PR specialists
	should be seriously considered.

courtesy of The Duke of URL