We've got quality Suck merchandise, available for all deserving Suck fans.
Only those who can demonstrate their worth deserve to wear the Suck colors. This is why we are no longer offering Suck stuff for sale. We don't want your money; we want your help. Suck merchandise is now available only to the happy few who can demonstrate that they have helped to spread the good news of Suck.com through acts of courage, strategy and civil disobedience.
All successful, demonstrable efforts to increase Suck visibility will be rewarded. You post a URL to some discussion about which we've commented? You get a few stickers. You get a letter to the editor published, offering some Suck-penned bon mot, plugging Filler, or even just objecting in some hysterical way to a publication's desuckification policy? We'll send you a t-shirt. You send us a tape of yourself mentioning Suck.com on a call-in radio show? We'll send you some original Terry Colon sketches, maybe even the exact ones you always wanted, depending on the bravura quotient of your hack. You mention Suck.com loud and proud on Larry King? We'll negotiate.
If you want to get into our hearts, you'll help force the media elite to reckon with Suck.com. Can you think of a reason why a high-circulation rag would place the latest version of the Stick Hampster Death Blender Figure Theater on its list of best "humor" sites, but give a big high-hat to Suck.com? Neither can we. And you should complain about it. And when you read a 100-best list that doesn't include Suck.com, you have to send a letter - not to us, but to the editor who snubbed us. When you see some magazine cribbing ideas you read in Suck months or years earlier, don't just stand there, scream about it! And when you see some starfucking rag issuing its zillionteenth "Is content king again?" broadside, but making no mention of the content kings at Suck.com, raise your voices in protest! If the mainstream apparatchiks won't get with the Suck program, the least we can do is annoy the hell out of them.
Be creative! The idea is to get the word out about Suck.com, and help us capture our fair share of the global media market, which we consider to be 100%. In other words, turn on your tape recorder or your VCR, pick up the damn phone, call the on-air number for Talk of the Nation or a Brian Lamb discussion or the Howard Stern Show, and get a tape of yourself loudly, proudly and clearly recommending Suck.com. If you can't do that, make yourself a nice blanket with "John 3:16 or www.suck.com? You decide!" written on it in big letters, go to a Bulls game, hang the blanket off your tier, and make sure the cameras pick it up. Bombard Newsweek and Rolling Stone with letters to the editor, signed with various names and written on a variety of manual typewriters, demanding that Suck.com be given equal air time with the establishment candidates. Get Suck.com on the ballot for Freeholder in your local community. We've got a ton of stuff. We're dying to give it to you. Find a way to earn it.
You will not get Suck merch by sending us "Love you guys" or "Look at my site" mail. But if you have really done your utmost to promote Suck.com, and you have something to show us, contact us and you will be rewarded beyond your wildest Sucking dreams.
The lineup of the usual Filler suspects. Perfect for those of you who've proposed marriage to Polly wear her proudly across your chest.
Available in all sizes.
The traditional Suck T: el pescado, the vessel, and a .38 special. URL on the front so you don't get lost.
Available in all sizes.
Real stickers with sticky backs.
Want to do things the really easy way? We got something free for ya.