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Dr. Robert holds an MhD (Doctor of Applied Metaphysics) from the Universal Life Church, which he won in a Canasta tournament in 1987. He is also an ordained clergyperson with a legitimate MDiv (Master of Divinity) from a prestigious East Coast seminary which, for legal reasons, he is not allowed to identify by name. A lapsed Satanist, Dr. Robert has been serving the Prince of Darkness in various guises, including three years of indentured servitude to K. Rupert Murdoch and seven years of servile ineptitude for a variety of old-media publishing companies. He still has nightmares in which all the forests he has helped to mulch rise up and drown him in sap and sawdust.
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