The Fish
for 22 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Filler: Reader Survey

Mostly I just want to read
about how ridiculously
fucking impossible it is to
find anyone even remotely
worth spending time with
unless both of you are so
fucked up on drugs your
personalities have been
completely wiped clean by the
E. Also, make sure you get
some digs in on those
supposedly "happy" couples.
Fucking posers.

The Mystic Monsignor

OK. See, if you don't believe
in love (e.g., you think all
happy couples are "posers"),
you're not gonna find love. I
swear. You have to have faith
that someone who's not
utterly horrible is going to
wander up eventually, or else
you won't notice them when
they do. Instead you'll spend
all your energy on "getting
in some digs." Like me. Don't
be like me, MM. Use the
force. Let it guide your


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Polly,

How 'bout you do a super
crossover special where the
fish, the hack, the angry
little squirrel, and the
Canadian rabbit on crack meet
all of your bitchy
self-absorbed friends. It
would be fantastic!!!!!


Very interesting. What if I
just start depicting my
bitchy self-absorbed friends
as little animals instead?

Feeling fantastic,

Fish With Letter Icon


Is it OK to watch The Real
if you know somebody
who is on the show? I'm being
preemptive here. I have a
friend who just got picked
for the one that starts this
spring. She's in LA right now
getting the final details and
shit like that. I mean, at
least I should be able to
watch the first episode
right? She's really slutty.
I'm gonna watch anyway, but I
feel better consulting you
first. I might even go visit.
Then I'd write and tell you
to watch, and then you could
say that a person who had
written you guested on The
Real World.
Everybody's got
to have a claim to fame.

Tim Wagner

Dude. If you want a claim to
fame, why not get it through
some talent other than
kissing some lame-o's ass to
get on The Real World.
Honestly. I can't even say I
watch the show without
blushing, and you somehow
think I'm gonna run around
bragging that some person who
sent me an email guested on
the show?

OK, you got me. Do you think
you could wear a Filler
T-shirt while you're on?

Really slutty,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: What I want to see
more of ...

... all of the above on the
list and then some.

Story idea for you:

Picture it — girl meets
boy, girl fucks boy, girl and
boy date for five years, boy
misunderstands things, boy
very harshly dumps girl and
refuses to reply to email and
phone calls, girl is bitter
but moves on with her life,
boy is probably very surprised
that girl would suggest their
relationship woes to
(which he reads on an almost
daily basis), girl lives
happily ever after.

Moral of the story: Chinese
food is good.

Jennifer Na

Wow, this is getting more and
more like Loveline, isn't it?

In that spirit: Look, guys
— it's not to cool to
date someone for five years
and then dump them without
explaining anything. Yes,
there is no explanation. Yes,
you just woke up one morning
and the relationship looked
like pure shit and you just
had to get out of it. But you
still have to talk to the
person you dated, because if
you don't, you keep them in
purgatory for at least double
the time they would be
otherwise. Are you really
that vengeful? You are?

OK, then. I guess we're
justified in publishing this
vengeful letter.

Friend to the vengeful,

Fish With Letter Icon

Battle Figure

Coolness and ironic
detachment are great, but
they work a lot better if one
actually knows what one is
talking about. It is clear
that as far as "freedom" of
trade (more accurately,
"freedom" from labor and
environmental restrictions
for investors), inequality of
terms of trade (hint: Chinese
factory workers' wages as a
fraction of American ones,
adjusted for productivity),
historically successful
strategies for third-world
economic development (hint:
South Korea), and US economic
history (hint: tariffs), you
are in desperate need of a
clue. Here's a good place to

Enrique Diaz-Alvarez

I followed that link hoping
to get some big wonkish
policy analysis but found
just another rant. Are you
aware that the WTO was
designed to reduce those
"tariffs" you claim make up
the whole of US economic
history? Is anybody actually
aware of what the WTO does?

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm afraid you failed to
mention one of the main
lessons of the Battle of
Seattle. With his
"resignation," Police Chief
Norm Stamper provides a
much-needed scapegoat for
Mayor Schell's bumbled
handling of the protests.
Doug Henwood, among others,
is correct when he points out
that had New York Mayor
Giuliani been in charge,
things would not have spun
out of control. Il Duce would
have denied all parade
permits and would have
flooded downtown with
regiments of New York's
finest who, as you know,
would have jumped at the chance
to beat puddles of blood out of
festive protesters and
probably would have left a
few popsicle-sticked with
their own signs, à la
Abner Louima. Mayor Schell,
to his eternal regret, was
more concerned with free
speech than with law and
order, not to mention the
right to make a bundle during
the holiday shopping rush. No
doubt the nation's mayors
have understood the moral of
the story; even so, I bet the
next convention takes place
in somewhere like Jakarta or

Peter Kilander — an
avenging lesbian trapped in a
man's body

Yours has been the only
letter expressing anything
approaching sympathy for the
mayor and the chief of
police. I'm inclined to your
view, but most of our readers
seem a bit more image driven,
and will condemn cops in
helmets even when the cops
are trying to stop people
from breaking windows.

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Comparing the Nazis'
atrocities launched on
Kristallnacht to anarchists
smashing Nike windows?

Do you have any scruples at

Luckily, the market for easy,
thoughtless, detached "irony"
from flush twentysomethings
with vacuum chambers where
their knowledge of history
should be is just about over.

Elizabeth McLellan

Sadly, the market for
cliché-slinging bores
affecting pointless umbrage
appears to be infinite.

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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