The Fish
for 10 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


Is there a Church of Polly?
After that Thanksgiving
prayer, I want to join it!

Truly thankful for all my
sweet delusions,

James T. Gibney

Join us in worshiping me!
Worship services begin at 8
a.m., followed by Hallelujah
Polly Celebrational Feast at
2 p.m. Please bring offerings
of good red wine and recipes
involving liberal amounts of
refined sugar.

Afterwards, all the little
children will come forward,
and we'll have a very special
moment where "Polly Talks to
the Little Children." We'll
probably talk about a
special, magical land where
the ground is covered with
diamonds and rubies and all
the Fudge Stripe cookies you
can eat. Polly will take you
there too; all you have to do
is get your parents to write
a great big check to the
Church of Polly, made out to
the "Church of All Spiritual
Holiness," which you can
abbreviate just by writing

Also very thankful and
sweetly deluded,

Fish With Letter Icon


You wouldn't be so
self-conscious if you smoked
less pot and took more

Your pal,

Dr. Jekkyl

Prozac isn't really my style,
Jekkyl. Gotta feel that pain.
That's my life, man! It's a
crazy life, but it's mine,
dude! That flame burns pretty
hot, but hey, that's livin'
on the edge, you know?

Ahem. Oftentimes,
self-consciousness is
nurtured by surrounding
yourself with self-conscious
people. That's the rub —
you look for friends who're a
lot like you, but then one
day you realize that all your
worst traits are being
reinforced by the people
around you, because their
worst traits match yours. You
tell your little tales of
self-consciousness, they tell
their self-deprecating tales,
and in the end, the one thing
you're both sure of is how
totally normal it is to be
paralyzed by self-doubt and

But hey, more pain, more
gain, right? Hurts so good!
It's a hard row to hoe but
it's my hoe, dude! I mean, my
row! Oops! Freudian slip,
baby, yeah!

Less self-conscious but more

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
Day — Great Stuff!


You are a magician with
words. You abuse them in the
most amusing way.

A lousy life or a good

Regards from an appreciative

Ron Williams

First of all, I am not a
magician with words by any
stretch of the imagination,
no matter how well-developed
that particular stretching
imagination might be. A
magician with melted cheese?
Maybe. Words? No way. I'm
flattered, but I need to use
and abuse words far, far more
effectively than I do now,
and you ... you need to read
better books.

So that's good. Now I'm
insulting you for
complimenting me. See how
appreciation gets you

These and other very
important lessons can be
yours if the price is right,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: This book sucks

Hi there. I work for TV
Books, a division of Broadway
Video/Lorne Michels
Entertainment company, which
produces Saturday Night Live and
Late Night with Conan
We published Jimmy
Fallon's new book in late
October called I Hate this
Place: The Pessimist's Guide
to Life.
He is a cast member
on Saturday Night Live, which
is featured on our Web site

We are distributed by
HarperCollins. I am the
director of sales here.

Jimmy has a huge following in
the college market. He'll be
on Late Night with Conan
next month, and he
was on Late Show with David
in early November.
Perhaps your Suck fans might
like a book such as this, and
perhaps you'd like to sell it
to them through your store.

Let me know if you'd like to
get a copy of the book and a
T-shirt. Perhaps we could do
something here.

Darren Elsner
Director of Sales
TV Books

We'd love to sell this zany
book of yours, but shelf
space in the Suck store is at
a real premium. We've got
Meanie Babies and Poke Me,
Mon toys out the wazoo, and
when that new shipment of
Fuck You Custard Pies comes
in, this place is gonna look
like the Harry and David
warehouse ... on crack!

But hey, did you know you can
add "on crack" to anything
and it's instantly funnier?
It's the "from hell" of the
late '90s! You might want to
get this Jimmy guy up to
speed on that one for his
next major network

Dropping you knowledge like
it ain't no thang,

Director of Handling Inquiries
from Directors of Sales
Fish With Letter Icon

Holy Roll

Any film that starts off
saying unequivocally that God
exists and that Jesus is the
absolute son of God cannot,
by definition, be blasphemous
or antireligious. Get real.

Don S

Dear Don S (if that is your
real name),

Allow me to introduce you to
a much-heralded but rarely
utilized concept: irony,
which allows that there is no
such thing as an unequivocal
statement. Indeed, at its
most rarefied, irony holds
that getting "real" is at
best a momentary state to be
replaced with a question of
just how "real" real is. Cue
— sans irony — Alan
Parsons' "A Dream Within a
Dream" off his
super-fantastic (really!)
"concept" album, Tales of
Mystery and Imagination.
was it Tales of Misery and
Lack of Imagination

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon


Babe, you missed the point
— the first kill was the
Fatted Calf (Disney), a
reference to how they suck
the life out of art for
profit. The second wave of
killing was the audience;
they died for not knowing
what they were facing (go
ahead and watch ER forever,
see if I care). God was
only a plot device — like
the new fall lineup, he made
everything well again.

I did like what you had to

David A. Dorney

Disney rules and is down with
the devil: Escape from Witch
Mountain, The Devil and Max
Devlin, The Devil in Miss

More important, would you
know Eric Clapton in heaven?
He'd be that
professorial-looking dude in
the butterfingered section,
hitting on goils (he'd call
them birds) and rapping with
Wilt the Stilt Chamberlain,
the former Harlem
Globetrotter who let Kansas
University's long-ago shot at a
national title slip through
his fingers with the
promiscuity he later reserved
only for his Big Dipper.

One small correction: God is
the only plot device.

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

As a matter of fact, there is
nothing blasphemous about
mocking or subverting idols.
Christians are actually
supposed to do this, I think.
Because they aren't pagans,
right? You must be confusing
the cultural phenomena known
as Christianity with the
actual religion. It's a short
trip from "make no graven
image" to "piss on graven
images," isn't it?

Your attempt to relate any of
this to Pascal's wager was
pretty unspectacular. Stick
to writing about things you

Demmy Rooster

Dear Demmy,

Fair enough. I get your
point, though most of your
message is somewhat less
clear to me than the
Christian meanings on Bob
Dylan's Slow Train Coming LP
or the Ayn Rand allusions on
Rush's 2112, or, for that
matter, the Poe allusions on
that Alan Parsons Project

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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