The Fish
for 7 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Tuning Out


I just printed out a copy of
your Suck article from
Monday. I am going to a
tattoo parlor in Connecticut
to have the proprietor tattoo
it across my back.

Your loyal Suck reader,

But what are you going to do
when people tickle the

Your loyal Suck writer,

Fish With Letter Icon

I read your piece today and
enjoyed it. I don't know if
you're aware of the following
situation, but it might
interest you.

I live about an hour north of
Denver, where Jacor is king
of radio. Last year, the big
issue in Denver was whether
or not the public should
finance the construction of a
new football stadium to
replace Mile High. Mind you,
this is the same city that
won't finance a public rail
system, that is rarely
willing to fund repairs and
additions to its increasingly
inadequate infrastructure,
and that remains the only
city in the world to have won
a bid for the Olympics and
then refused the games to
avoid the cost to taxpayers.
Naturally, the response to
the new stadium initiative
was negative: "That
billionaire bastard Pat
Bowlen can build the damn
thing himself!" "What's wrong
with Mile High, anyway?"

Then the Jacor company began
a nonstop, hopelessly
one-sided blitz of radio
programming. For months, DJs
on Jacor's multiple Denver
stations threatened listeners
with the prospect of losing
the Broncos to another city.
They talked over and berated
any callers who had the
gumption to call and take an
opposing stance, and through
sheer repetition and
selective reasoning they
transformed the entire issue
into a straw man. Eventually,
if you were against the new
stadium, you were against the
Broncos (heresy!). Everyone
was to do their part to keep
the beloved Broncos in town,
cost be damned. As a coup de
Bowlen carted
out local deity John Elway to
actually state the Jacor
subtext in no uncertain
terms, and the muted
opponents of the stadium
proposal were wiped out. Now
hundreds of millions of
dollars of public funds are
going into a new stadium that
will be owned not by the
public, but by Pat Bowlen, the
billionaire. If the
tax-paying public wants to
see their new stadium,
they'll have to buy a luxury
box or get in line for season
tickets. Most fans will
simply rely on Jacor game
broadcasts, of course.

I just wanted to follow up on
some of the points you
raised. Nowhere has the
devastating effect of the
Telecommunications Act been
felt more than in radio. But the
implications for the public
go a lot deeper than
homogenized playlists.

Richard Sweetman

Wow. Our condolences to
Denverites and their wallets.
I guess if there's anything
worse than a scheming
billionaire, it's a scheming
billionaire with puppet DJs
all over the radio dial. On
the bright side, though, will
you at least be able to use
the abandoned Mile High
stadium for some kick-ass


Fish With Letter Icon

My name is Marv Cross, and I
host the morning show on
KCTY-FM in Omaha, Nebraska.
You will be heartened to hear
that we are a commercial
station that has dedicated
our entire collective mojo to
playing music that was, until
now, unheard not only on the
radio in town, but
everywhere. We are a single
station in a town filled by
AMFM and the Journal Broadcast
Group. (Although our owner is
Norm Waitt, cofounder of
Gateway computers, he is very
cool for a billionaire.) We
were hired to put a radio
station on the air that we
thought people would like.
And, believe this or not, we
were instructed to bring our
CDs from home and play them
during our shifts. Now our
music flows the way MTV used
to show videos before it
became crap. Even if you
don't like the song that's on
right now you'll probably
stick around because you
literally don't know what's
going to come up next.

I just wanted to write you
and say I loved your article.
I agree completely, and it
was this fact that made me
think I would probably only
do talk radio for the rest of
my life because I was so
burned on the format-driven
pooh that I had previously
been paid to spoon-feed to

Rock On!

Marv Cross

Thanks for writing —
we're glad you no longer have
to spoon-feed your audience
pooh! (We'll leave that to the
producers of Austin Powers:
The Spy Who Shagged Me.
) If
your collective mojo feels
like making another
dedication, could you send
Brother Joe May's "Sell Out
to the Master Right Now" to
Anne out there in Internet

Rock on with your bad self.

Fish With Letter Icon


Oh, that was rich.

How come every time women
critique a difference in the
behavior of women and men,
there is an assumption that
a) the way women do things is
the morally correct, "right"
way, and b) when men do
things differently than
women, it is because they are
bad and "wrong." Example:
When a man doesn't want to
settle down with a woman
after a few months of dating,
he is either weak ("afraid of
commitment") or slimy. How
about this interpretation:
Women are conniving and
scheming to trap men and
hinder their natural
freedoms, to tie them down
and exploit them. Can you
explain to me why the second
is less valid than the first?
For some reason we hear the
first articulated every day
in thousands of whiny screeds
such as today's Suck.


Big Steve

Well, women compensate for
their hurt at being rejected
by lashing out at men for not
wanting to get serious,
knowing full well that most
men who tell you that they
"don't want a girlfriend"
simply don't want you for a
girlfriend. Men compensate
for their fear of women's
anger and unfair labels by
insisting that fucking
several women at once is
somehow "natural," neglecting
to note that shitting in your
pants is also quite natural,
and about as savory.

So, you see, all bitterness
and overly simplistic
reactions are merely
compensation for feeling
hurt, misunderstood, or

In this light, it's certainly
interesting that you put the
word "big" in front of your

Fish With Letter Icon

You are very, very funny.

Insightful too.

I think the artist (Terry
Colon, but you knew that)
matches your work swimmingly.

I bet you get a lot of weird

Is there a collection of your
work available for purchase?
Your work is at least as
funny as the Onion, and they
have a book.

Thanks for the ha has,

Greg Procter

It's good you mentioned
Terry's name because we might
have thought you meant
Prince. As in, Prince matches
your work swimmingly. As in,
Filler is best read while
listening to Prince's music.
I was willing to go with

In other words, yes, we get a
lot of weird email.

We're at least as funny as
Linda Tripp, and she has a

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Dear Tim,

Great list, but why put
absinthe on it? Now that the
yupsters have taken over
single malt, we need a
pointlessly pretentious
obsession to call our own,
and absinthe is perfect. You
need all this neat hardware
(special silver spoon, right
kind of sugar, proper
glasses); it's expensive but
not unbearably so; it's got
an edge of danger about it
but really isn't particularly
dangerous; it puts you back
in touch with your
(nonexistent) bohemian past;
it doesn't taste too bad.

I just realized I've also
described how we
characterized cocaine a few
decades back, but what the
hell. If you find a really
nice absinthe spoon on eBay
let me know.

Alan S. Kornheiser

Alan, you just write letters
about whatever you feel like
writing about, don't you?

Well, we write responses
about whatever we feel like
writing about, so we can't
exactly complain. It's kind
of like seeing a couple of
self-involved actors dating
each other — they each
perform, but neither knows
how to act as a receptive

It's ugly and dysfunctional.
But amusing!

More of the same,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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