for 6 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Oh, that was rich. How come every time women critique a difference in the behavior of women and men, there is an assumption that a) the way women do things is the morally correct, "right" way, and b) when men do things differently than women, it is because they are bad and "wrong." Example: When a man doesn't want to settle down with a woman after a few months of dating, he is either weak ("afraid of commitment") or slimy. How about this interpretation: Women are conniving and scheming to trap men and hinder their natural freedoms, to tie them down and exploit them. Can you explain to me why the second is less valid than the first? For some reason we hear the first articulated every day in thousands of whiny screeds such as today's Suck. Yours, Big Steve <replentishment@hushmail.com> Well, women compensate for their hurt at being rejected by lashing out at men for not wanting to get serious, knowing full well that most men who tell you that they "don't want a girlfriend" simply don't want you for a girlfriend. Men compensate for their fear of women's anger and unfair labels by insisting that fucking several women at once is somehow "natural," neglecting to note that shitting in your pants is also quite natural, and about as savory. So, you see, all bitterness and overly simplistic reactions are merely compensation for feeling hurt, misunderstood, or inadequate. In this light, it's certainly interesting that you put the word "big" in front of your name. Polly  You are very, very funny. Insightful too. I think the artist (Terry Colon, but you knew that) matches your work swimmingly. I bet you get a lot of weird email. Is there a collection of your work available for purchase? Your work is at least as funny as the Onion, and they have a book. Thanks for the ha has, Greg Procter <procter@penn.com> It's good you mentioned Terry's name because we might have thought you meant Prince. As in, Prince matches your work swimmingly. As in, Filler is best read while listening to Prince's music. I was willing to go with that. In other words, yes, we get a lot of weird email. We're at least as funny as Linda Tripp, and she has a book. Polly Hit & Run Dear Tim, Great list, but why put absinthe on it? Now that the yupsters have taken over single malt, we need a pointlessly pretentious obsession to call our own, and absinthe is perfect. You need all this neat hardware (special silver spoon, right kind of sugar, proper glasses); it's expensive but not unbearably so; it's got an edge of danger about it but really isn't particularly dangerous; it puts you back in touch with your (nonexistent) bohemian past; it doesn't taste too bad. I just realized I've also described how we characterized cocaine a few decades back, but what the hell. If you find a really nice absinthe spoon on eBay let me know. Alan S. Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> Alan, you just write letters about whatever you feel like writing about, don't you? Well, we write responses about whatever we feel like writing about, so we can't exactly complain. It's kind of like seeing a couple of self-involved actors dating each other — they each perform, but neither knows how to act as a receptive audience. It's ugly and dysfunctional. But amusing! More of the same, the Sucksters Hit & Run Funny that you mention McSweeney's in a list of words guaranteed to get you to stop reading a publication. Funny that "a list of words guaranteed to get you to stop reading a publication" would be perfectly at home over at http://www.mcsweeneys.net, where self-referential pop culture lists have been a mainstay for the several months of that site's existence. Funnily yours, Chris Keach <ckeach@arc-consultants.com> Sorry, Chris. Our eyes started to glaze over once we saw you had the word McSweeney's in your mail; by the time we got to "self-referential pop culture" we were comatose. What was the question again? the Sucksters Subject: I kiss you I love the Turkish guy with the accordion. <JLMoses@ aol.com> Maybe it's just us, but somehow the speed with which every funny thing gets picked up, passed around, and transformed into redundant story-of-the-story fallout just made the whole Mahir thing seem like a joke that stopped being funny before we even heard the punch line. Admittedly, Mahir is funny somehow, but the shortening of the distance from "hilarious thing somebody found" to "annoying thing everybody keeps telling you about and then waiting for you to laugh" just reminds us of how dimly our own faded notoriety now shines, and makes us depressed. the Sucksters Helpful Suggestions from Our Reader(s) Sucksters, As far as I'm concerned, Suck has the best writing I've ever seen in a daily publication. I read Harper's, The New Yorker, sometimes Utne and Mother, but I've been reading more of Suck than anything lately, only partially because I can read Suck at work on the screen and it sort of looks like I'm working. I know I pay bupkes for Suck, but, please, please, enough with the flashing ads at the bottom of the page. I know you think it's cute that we can't scroll them away, but if today's Suck weren't so entertaining (especially the list), I'd have been gone before I finished the first page. Ordinary banners I can ignore, and maybe I've got a latent epilepsy I don't know about, but the flashing crap really makes me begin to understand what drives those postal workers. Thank you for considering my gripe, and keep up the notable, risk-taking, irreverent, contrarian, and edgy prose. Kurt Opprecht <arjaynine@yahoo.com> Ah, love a little, twist the knife a little. Well, as our Southern belle neighbor used to say, "You catch more bees with sugar." Having said that, you send us a subscription price, and we'll make an ad-free version of Suck just for you. Hell, we'll customize it and put a picture of your face — that's right, your face — on the front page. Nah, we'll make a Filler cartoon based on your life. We'll rename Suck "Kurt." You catch more ears with hard cash. Got to keep me groundsman in rubber boots. the Sucksters Subject: Yesterday's Note I've been thinking about the note I sent yesterday and it dawned on me that it wouldn't take a paranoid to be at least a little alarmed by the references I made to going postal. I apologize. I was merely trying to express my frustration, not trying to threaten. I'm a peaceful person. Please do not be alarmed by my note. Kurt Opprecht <arjaynine@yahoo.com> If you could only read half our mail — you know, the stuff about recent purchases of night vision goggles and such — you'd realize your little note was anything but alarming. Now get that check in the mail, cowboy! Remember: It pays less to care more. the Sucksters |
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