The Fish
for 6 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


Oh, that was rich.

How come every time women
critique a difference in the
behavior of women and men,
there is an assumption that
a) the way women do things is
the morally correct, "right"
way, and b) when men do
things differently than
women, it is because they are
bad and "wrong." Example:
When a man doesn't want to
settle down with a woman
after a few months of dating,
he is either weak ("afraid of
commitment") or slimy. How
about this interpretation:
Women are conniving and
scheming to trap men and
hinder their natural
freedoms, to tie them down
and exploit them. Can you
explain to me why the second
is less valid than the first?
For some reason we hear the
first articulated every day
in thousands of whiny screeds
such as today's Suck.


Big Steve

Well, women compensate for
their hurt at being rejected
by lashing out at men for not
wanting to get serious,
knowing full well that most
men who tell you that they
"don't want a girlfriend"
simply don't want you for a
girlfriend. Men compensate
for their fear of women's
anger and unfair labels by
insisting that fucking
several women at once is
somehow "natural," neglecting
to note that shitting in your
pants is also quite natural,
and about as savory.

So, you see, all bitterness
and overly simplistic
reactions are merely
compensation for feeling
hurt, misunderstood, or

In this light, it's certainly
interesting that you put the
word "big" in front of your

Fish With Letter Icon

You are very, very funny.

Insightful too.

I think the artist (Terry
Colon, but you knew that)
matches your work swimmingly.

I bet you get a lot of weird

Is there a collection of your
work available for purchase?
Your work is at least as
funny as the Onion, and they
have a book.

Thanks for the ha has,

Greg Procter

It's good you mentioned
Terry's name because we might
have thought you meant
Prince. As in, Prince matches
your work swimmingly. As in,
Filler is best read while
listening to Prince's music.
I was willing to go with

In other words, yes, we get a
lot of weird email.

We're at least as funny as
Linda Tripp, and she has a

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Dear Tim,

Great list, but why put
absinthe on it? Now that the
yupsters have taken over
single malt, we need a
pointlessly pretentious
obsession to call our own,
and absinthe is perfect. You
need all this neat hardware
(special silver spoon, right
kind of sugar, proper
glasses); it's expensive but
not unbearably so; it's got
an edge of danger about it
but really isn't particularly
dangerous; it puts you back
in touch with your
(nonexistent) bohemian past;
it doesn't taste too bad.

I just realized I've also
described how we
characterized cocaine a few
decades back, but what the
hell. If you find a really
nice absinthe spoon on eBay
let me know.

Alan S. Kornheiser

Alan, you just write letters
about whatever you feel like
writing about, don't you?

Well, we write responses
about whatever we feel like
writing about, so we can't
exactly complain. It's kind
of like seeing a couple of
self-involved actors dating
each other — they each
perform, but neither knows
how to act as a receptive

It's ugly and dysfunctional.
But amusing!

More of the same,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Funny that you mention
McSweeney's in a list of
words guaranteed to get you
to stop reading a

Funny that "a list of
words guaranteed to get you
to stop reading a
publication" would be
perfectly at home over at,
where self-referential pop
culture lists have been a
mainstay for the several
months of that site's

Funnily yours,

Chris Keach

Sorry, Chris. Our eyes
started to glaze over once we
saw you had the word
McSweeney's in your mail; by
the time we got to
"self-referential pop
culture" we were comatose.
What was the question again?

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: I kiss you

I love the Turkish guy with
the accordion.


Maybe it's just us, but
somehow the speed with which
every funny thing gets picked
up, passed around, and
transformed into redundant
story-of-the-story fallout
just made the whole Mahir
thing seem like a joke that
stopped being funny before we
even heard the punch line.
Admittedly, Mahir is funny
somehow, but the shortening
of the distance from
"hilarious thing somebody
found" to "annoying thing
everybody keeps telling you
about and then waiting for
you to laugh" just reminds us
of how dimly our own faded
notoriety now shines, and
makes us depressed.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Helpful Suggestions from Our


As far as I'm concerned, Suck
has the best writing I've
ever seen in a daily
publication. I read Harper's,
The New Yorker,
sometimes Utne
and Mother, but I've been reading
more of Suck than anything
lately, only partially
because I can read Suck at
work on the screen and it
sort of looks like I'm

I know I pay bupkes for Suck,
but, please, please, enough
with the flashing ads at the
bottom of the page. I know
you think it's cute that we
can't scroll them away, but
if today's Suck weren't so
entertaining (especially the
list), I'd have been gone
before I finished the first

Ordinary banners I can
ignore, and maybe I've got a
latent epilepsy I don't know
about, but the flashing crap
really makes me begin to
understand what drives those
postal workers.

Thank you for considering my
gripe, and keep up the
notable, risk-taking,
irreverent, contrarian, and
edgy prose.

Kurt Opprecht

Ah, love a little, twist the
knife a little. Well, as our
Southern belle neighbor used
to say, "You catch more bees
with sugar."

Having said that, you send us
a subscription price, and
we'll make an ad-free version
of Suck just for you. Hell,
we'll customize it and put a
picture of your face —
that's right, your face —
on the front page. Nah, we'll
make a Filler cartoon based
on your life. We'll rename
Suck "Kurt."

You catch more ears with hard
cash. Got to keep me
groundsman in rubber boots.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Yesterday's Note

I've been thinking about the
note I sent yesterday and it
dawned on me that it wouldn't
take a paranoid to be at
least a little alarmed by the
references I made to going

I apologize. I was merely
trying to express my
frustration, not trying to
threaten. I'm a peaceful
person. Please do not be
alarmed by my note.

Kurt Opprecht

If you could only read half
our mail — you know, the
stuff about recent purchases
of night vision goggles and
such — you'd realize your
little note was anything but

Now get that check in the
mail, cowboy!

Remember: It pays less to
care more.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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