The Fish
for 3 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

Hit & Run

Funny that you mention
McSweeney's in a list of
words guaranteed to get you
to stop reading a

Funny that "a list of
words guaranteed to get you
to stop reading a
publication" would be
perfectly at home over at,
where self-referential pop
culture lists have been a
mainstay for the several
months of that site's

Funnily yours,

Chris Keach

Sorry, Chris. Our eyes
started to glaze over once we
saw you had the word
McSweeney's in your mail; by
the time we got to
"self-referential pop
culture" we were comatose.
What was the question again?

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: I kiss you

I love the Turkish guy with
the accordion.


Maybe it's just us, but
somehow the speed with which
every funny thing gets picked
up, passed around, and
transformed into redundant
story-of-the-story fallout
just made the whole Mahir
thing seem like a joke that
stopped being funny before we
even heard the punch line.
Admittedly, Mahir is funny
somehow, but the shortening
of the distance from
"hilarious thing somebody
found" to "annoying thing
everybody keeps telling you
about and then waiting for
you to laugh" just reminds us
of how dimly our own faded
notoriety now shines, and
makes us depressed.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Helpful Suggestions from Our


As far as I'm concerned, Suck
has the best writing I've
ever seen in a daily
publication. I read Harper's,
The New Yorker,
sometimes Utne
and Mother, but I've been reading
more of Suck than anything
lately, only partially
because I can read Suck at
work on the screen and it
sort of looks like I'm

I know I pay bupkes for Suck,
but, please, please, enough
with the flashing ads at the
bottom of the page. I know
you think it's cute that we
can't scroll them away, but
if today's Suck weren't so
entertaining (especially the
list), I'd have been gone
before I finished the first

Ordinary banners I can
ignore, and maybe I've got a
latent epilepsy I don't know
about, but the flashing crap
really makes me begin to
understand what drives those
postal workers.

Thank you for considering my
gripe, and keep up the
notable, risk-taking,
irreverent, contrarian, and
edgy prose.

Kurt Opprecht

Ah, love a little, twist the
knife a little. Well, as our
Southern belle neighbor used
to say, "You catch more bees
with sugar."

Having said that, you send us
a subscription price, and
we'll make an ad-free version
of Suck just for you. Hell,
we'll customize it and put a
picture of your face —
that's right, your face —
on the front page. Nah, we'll
make a Filler cartoon based
on your life. We'll rename
Suck "Kurt."

You catch more ears with hard
cash. Got to keep me
groundsman in rubber boots.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Yesterday's Note

I've been thinking about the
note I sent yesterday and it
dawned on me that it wouldn't
take a paranoid to be at
least a little alarmed by the
references I made to going

I apologize. I was merely
trying to express my
frustration, not trying to
threaten. I'm a peaceful
person. Please do not be
alarmed by my note.

Kurt Opprecht

If you could only read half
our mail — you know, the
stuff about recent purchases
of night vision goggles and
such — you'd realize your
little note was anything but

Now get that check in the
mail, cowboy!

Remember: It pays less to
care more.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

The only publication I know
of that ever refers to Prada
is Suck. Out here in fly-over
country, the only reason I
even know what the hell Prada
is is because you guys
prattle on about it
endlessly. I've no idea what
Prada looks like, but I do know
they have a bike-messenger
bag, since you devoted an
entire day to the damn thing.
Apparently, they also have an
A-line tennis dress. It can't
be all that expensive,
though, since "even the
are wearing Prada."
Which seems weird to me,
since Prada is a favorite of

I figure you have some sort
of joint marketing deal.

Mark Wright

Duh! Why do you think we put
them on the list?

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

In Hit & Run 18 November
1999, you write, "Who says
student activism is dead? On
the campus of the University
of California at Berkeley,
sacred ground of '60s protest
culture, debate rages on. Of
course, these days it's not
the Black Panthers but the
fashion police speaking out
... it's comforting to know
that collegiate concerns can
be solved with a protein
shake and an Abercrombie &
Fitch catalog."

Clearly, you guys have not
been keeping up with student
activism, even in your own
backyard. Why perpetuate the
myth of student apathy?

Not only has Berkeley been
incredibly active in the
antisweatshop movement (with
an action only two days
before you ran this poorly
researched article), but
there were hunger strikes and
arrests there at the end of
the last school year over
ethnic studies. If you want
to see what's gone on at
other schools, at least on
the antisweatshop front,
sole/usass y1/media

Do your research.


Saurav Sarkar
Yale '00

Big whoop. At Suck we have
hunger strikes and arrests
all the time against Yale
undergraduates. But they
still don't go away.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You forgot one ...

... or two.

"pundit paradigm"

It hurts to type them.

Josh Renaud

Hurts so good, you mean.

Supporting the dominant
paradigm and questioning
questioning authority,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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