The Fish
for 18 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Hit & Run

Very interesting viewpoints.
It is far easier for one to
sound intellectual and loaded
with knowledge than it is to
actually be one with both.
Your Web site truly skims the
surface and is appropriately
named.

Garry Marino
<gmarino1@tampabay.rr. com>

"... than it is to be one
with both"?

That must be a reference to
the Zen master who approached
the hot dog vendor with the
request: "Make me one with
everything."

Thanks for the deep thoughts,
Gar!

Appropriately named,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I'm thrilled you've linked
the contest, but I'm less
than thrilled that you have
linked my personal site. It
has nothing to do with the
contest. I'm also a little
bothered that you stole an
image. Anyway, please remove
all links to
http://home.kscable.com
/bwhite. The official site is
at http://members.aol.com/
modernhair/superstar
/contest.html or
http://go.to/
superstarcarwash.

Thanks.

Brandon White <bwhite@
kscable.com>

Thanks, Brandon. You should
really be complaining to the
folks at AltaVista who still
have your kscable site listed
for the contest and who have
a far greater impact on Web
traffic than we could ever
hope to match.

Good luck with the contest.
Sadly, it never happens until
you give up hope.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"... liberal,
hummer-advocating author
Naomi Wolf ..."

So come on, are you talking
about blow jobs or SUVs?
(Either one could do
something about Al's "beta
male" image.)

Brian Zimmerman
<b-zimmerman@uchicago.edu>

But only one would help him
distance himself from the
Bill Clinton legacy.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Predictions

Do you have the list of
ridiculous predictions for
the future as reported
recently by Reuters? It's supposed
to be by the top people in their
fields. They appeared in an
English newspaper recently.

Thank you very much.

Ralph W. Gaston
<rwgaston@primenet.com>

Yes, we have the list. You
can't have it.

The top people in our poppy
field,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The New Biography

Hi!

Where do you live? The
Midwest?

I know someone who knows your
cartoonist, which is why I
ask.

Thanks for sharing,

L.
<jjanusz@med.wayne.edu>

I was raised in the Midwest
but live now on the East
Coast in a gilded city
well-known as a center of
finance, fashion, and
Francophilia.

What, exactly, do you mean
when you say you know my
cartoonist? Know the
cartoonist how? Under what
circumstances? We shall have
the authorities examine this
strange coincidence, and I
suggest you not refer to the
Midwest in written form
again.

Thanks,

Peter
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hello,

Thanks for a great article
today. I, too, hate lazy
literary transitions!

Who knew?

And what about being over
that? Isn't there anything
you're over?

You go girl!

Your pal,

Nina Gregory
<ninag3@corp.earthlink.net>

I'm over not being over it
for those who say I should be
over it, whatever it really
is.

Over and out.

Peter Hyman
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Footnotes 5 percent
entertaining? Try 0.5
percent.

With sugar,

Jimmy
<shenyuan_guo@hms.harvard.edu>

Actually, according to the
Gallup Organization, it was
more on the order of .4236799
percent (though we at Suck
will call that an even .424
percent, seeing as we are
nonsticklers for repeating
decimals). But you wouldn't
have had access to those
figures, as they were
classified.

If you multiply that
percentage by Avagadro's
number you get the address
for the Hilles Library at
Harvard: 59 Shepard Street.
Imagine that!!

Yr pal,

Peter Hyman
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Dearest Sucksters,

With regards to your Filler
of 3 November 1999:

Schizophrenia: disease
Alcoholism: disease
Homosexuality: not a disease

I suggest you replace
homosexuality with
journalism.

Yours in dysfunction,

Dave Page
<dave@generators.com>

Ah, but you point out exactly
the misperception we meant to
scoff at by pointing it out.

Now we feel scoffed at for
pointing out something by
merely pointing it out rather
than by scoffing at it openly
in addition to pointing it
out.

Pointed, scoffing,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Heather,

There are, alas, no
Kornheiser family outings. We
do have occasional meetings
when a family member gets
wed, dead, or bar mitzvahed,
and the shirts would
certainly have been
appropriate then. When do
they arrive? As I recall, at
the last bar mitzvah, my
cousin Tony (aka World's
Only Jewish Anthony
Kornheiser; member of the
family who gets paid for
being a wiseass Kornheiser)
got so busy doing (very, very
funny) standup for all the
invited guests, he forgot to
introduce his son, the
bar-mitzvah boy. His wife
Karol (aka The saint who
puts up with Tony Kornheiser)
bore it all resignedly.

In passing, let me note the
converse of your car alarm
issue (which was, to be sure,
scarily accurate): There was
the time the lady awoke in my
bed in the country to
complain about "that
streetlamp shining through
the window." We don't have
streetlamps in the country; it
turned out to be a full moon.

Alan Kornheiser
<askornheiser@prodigy.net>

No Kornheiser outings, and
ladies in your bed?

You're even more of a
renegade than I thought,
Alan.

Not nearly resigned enough,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

I really think it's time you
compose your first manifesto.
All quick-witted and
ostracized members of society
like yourself do it at some
ripe point in their lives. My
suggestion for this powerful
piece is simply an Anti-Story
Manifesto. Polly, I can't
hear another pointless story.
They surround me and they are
making me lose faith in the
human potential to be
remotely interesting and
intelligent. I cannot lend an
ear to another story about
someone's crazy aunt, a bad
day at work, this one time in
college, on Friday night
guess who I saw, my old
boyfriend said this, and all
other jabbering drivel that
you seem to be sensitive to
as well. Make them shut up!
Write a silencing manifesto!
At the least maybe you could
just inform your readers that
a good story is pithy, saucy,
witty, and funny, as opposed
to the Dickens-esque humdrum
that most people shamelessly
blabber and expect others to
find interesting.

Thanks,

Amy in Seattle

PS A great way to silence a
constant gabber: At the end
of her fervent story, when
the plot has "climaxed," ask
innocently, "And then what
happened?" The look of shock
on her face is always classic.
("But, but, but how could you
not find my little story
interesting?")


Ooo. Prickly.

Polly the cartoon is pithy
only because her illustrator
insists on it. Polly's human
counterpart is far, far less
concise and is known to
offer monologues shamelessly
without either wit or insight
for hours on end.

She rarely, however, speaks
of herself in the third
person. Thank the good Lord
for small miracles.

She rarely thanks the good
Lord for anything, small
miracles or otherwise. But
she does thank the good Lord
for patient friends who
suffer through her
insufferable digressive
yarns. On that note, maybe in
the future you should try to
focus outward, on the needs
of others, rather than
inward, on your own impatient
brain. Either that or smoke
more pot. People seem mighty
interesting and intelligent
when you can barely tell what
they're saying.

Brimming over with trite
advice, endless digressions,
illicit suggestions, and many
thanks,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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