for 18 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit & Run Very interesting viewpoints. It is far easier for one to sound intellectual and loaded with knowledge than it is to actually be one with both. Your Web site truly skims the surface and is appropriately named. Garry Marino <gmarino1@tampabay.rr. com> "... than it is to be one with both"? That must be a reference to the Zen master who approached the hot dog vendor with the request: "Make me one with everything." Thanks for the deep thoughts, Gar! Appropriately named, the Sucksters  I'm thrilled you've linked the contest, but I'm less than thrilled that you have linked my personal site. It has nothing to do with the contest. I'm also a little bothered that you stole an image. Anyway, please remove all links to http://home.kscable.com /bwhite. The official site is at http://members.aol.com/ modernhair/superstar /contest.html or http://go.to/ superstarcarwash. Thanks. Brandon White <bwhite@ kscable.com> Thanks, Brandon. You should really be complaining to the folks at AltaVista who still have your kscable site listed for the contest and who have a far greater impact on Web traffic than we could ever hope to match. Good luck with the contest. Sadly, it never happens until you give up hope. Yr pal, BarTel "... liberal, hummer-advocating author Naomi Wolf ..." So come on, are you talking about blow jobs or SUVs? (Either one could do something about Al's "beta male" image.) Brian Zimmerman <b-zimmerman@uchicago.edu> But only one would help him distance himself from the Bill Clinton legacy. the Sucksters Subject: Predictions Do you have the list of ridiculous predictions for the future as reported recently by Reuters? It's supposed to be by the top people in their fields. They appeared in an English newspaper recently. Thank you very much. Ralph W. Gaston <rwgaston@primenet.com> Yes, we have the list. You can't have it. The top people in our poppy field, the Sucksters The New Biography Hi! Where do you live? The Midwest? I know someone who knows your cartoonist, which is why I ask. Thanks for sharing, L. <jjanusz@med.wayne.edu> I was raised in the Midwest but live now on the East Coast in a gilded city well-known as a center of finance, fashion, and Francophilia. What, exactly, do you mean when you say you know my cartoonist? Know the cartoonist how? Under what circumstances? We shall have the authorities examine this strange coincidence, and I suggest you not refer to the Midwest in written form again. Thanks, Peter Hello, Thanks for a great article today. I, too, hate lazy literary transitions! Who knew? And what about being over that? Isn't there anything you're over? You go girl! Your pal, Nina Gregory <ninag3@corp.earthlink.net> I'm over not being over it for those who say I should be over it, whatever it really is. Over and out. Peter Hyman Footnotes 5 percent entertaining? Try 0.5 percent. With sugar, Jimmy <shenyuan_guo@hms.harvard.edu> Actually, according to the Gallup Organization, it was more on the order of .4236799 percent (though we at Suck will call that an even .424 percent, seeing as we are nonsticklers for repeating decimals). But you wouldn't have had access to those figures, as they were classified. If you multiply that percentage by Avagadro's number you get the address for the Hilles Library at Harvard: 59 Shepard Street. Imagine that!! Yr pal, Peter Hyman Filler Dearest Sucksters, With regards to your Filler of 3 November 1999: Schizophrenia: disease Alcoholism: disease Homosexuality: not a disease I suggest you replace homosexuality with journalism. Yours in dysfunction, Dave Page <dave@generators.com> Ah, but you point out exactly the misperception we meant to scoff at by pointing it out. Now we feel scoffed at for pointing out something by merely pointing it out rather than by scoffing at it openly in addition to pointing it out. Pointed, scoffing, the Sucksters Dear Heather, There are, alas, no Kornheiser family outings. We do have occasional meetings when a family member gets wed, dead, or bar mitzvahed, and the shirts would certainly have been appropriate then. When do they arrive? As I recall, at the last bar mitzvah, my cousin Tony (aka World's Only Jewish Anthony Kornheiser; member of the family who gets paid for being a wiseass Kornheiser) got so busy doing (very, very funny) standup for all the invited guests, he forgot to introduce his son, the bar-mitzvah boy. His wife Karol (aka The saint who puts up with Tony Kornheiser) bore it all resignedly. In passing, let me note the converse of your car alarm issue (which was, to be sure, scarily accurate): There was the time the lady awoke in my bed in the country to complain about "that streetlamp shining through the window." We don't have streetlamps in the country; it turned out to be a full moon. Alan Kornheiser <askornheiser@prodigy.net> No Kornheiser outings, and ladies in your bed? You're even more of a renegade than I thought, Alan. Not nearly resigned enough, Polly Polly, I really think it's time you compose your first manifesto. All quick-witted and ostracized members of society like yourself do it at some ripe point in their lives. My suggestion for this powerful piece is simply an Anti-Story Manifesto. Polly, I can't hear another pointless story. They surround me and they are making me lose faith in the human potential to be remotely interesting and intelligent. I cannot lend an ear to another story about someone's crazy aunt, a bad day at work, this one time in college, on Friday night guess who I saw, my old boyfriend said this, and all other jabbering drivel that you seem to be sensitive to as well. Make them shut up! Write a silencing manifesto! At the least maybe you could just inform your readers that a good story is pithy, saucy, witty, and funny, as opposed to the Dickens-esque humdrum that most people shamelessly blabber and expect others to find interesting. Thanks, Amy in Seattle PS A great way to silence a constant gabber: At the end of her fervent story, when the plot has "climaxed," ask innocently, "And then what happened?" The look of shock on her face is always classic. ("But, but, but how could you not find my little story interesting?") Ooo. Prickly. Polly the cartoon is pithy only because her illustrator insists on it. Polly's human counterpart is far, far less concise and is known to offer monologues shamelessly without either wit or insight for hours on end. She rarely, however, speaks of herself in the third person. Thank the good Lord for small miracles. She rarely thanks the good Lord for anything, small miracles or otherwise. But she does thank the good Lord for patient friends who suffer through her insufferable digressive yarns. On that note, maybe in the future you should try to focus outward, on the needs of others, rather than inward, on your own impatient brain. Either that or smoke more pot. People seem mighty interesting and intelligent when you can barely tell what they're saying. Brimming over with trite advice, endless digressions, illicit suggestions, and many thanks, Polly |
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