The Fish
for 9 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Microsoft Words 1.0

It figures that since Microsoft
couldn't make any money on it,
the company would keep it
from the rest of us. Maybe it's
holding off, waiting for some
new technology to come out. I
think this photograph of God
you mention could really help
draw attention to MS' new
dictionary site. From here it
looks as if the company
overlooked a great marketing
opportunity.

Trey
<nvaughan@pillsbury.com>

The way I heard it, there was
room for only so many photos
in the "G" section of the
EWED, and in the end, the one
of Whoopi Goldberg
focus-grouped better than the
one of God.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Do you have a photograph of
God? Can I see it?

<leah_ed@ hotmail.com>

No.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hi Huck,

I laughed till I cried when I
read this today. Loved the
Slate comment! Thanks for
lifting my spirits. You're a
great writer.

Melody Allen
Dripping Springs, TX

Thanks for your note, Melody.
I think you're only the
second person who's ever
cried over my work — me
being the first, of course. I
would consider this progress,
but since you hail from a
place called Dripping
Springs, it seems like maybe
you're just prone to such
hydraulics.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Dickshunairy

Enjoyed your piece on the
Bill Gates amazing made-from-
text New World dickshunairy.

Hey, I make up good words all
the time, such as
"ludicrosity," which is the
display and/or possession of
ludicrous behaviors or
tendencies.

Can you put me in touch with
somebody to whose dictionary
I could contribute?

Keep up the good work.

Yr pal,

Griffin
<g.norman@mindspring.com>

Well, like I said in the
piece, the OED is accepting
new words. The catch is that
they have to have appeared in
print — but if your
letter appears in Fish, maybe
you're on your way. Keep us
posted.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"Although Americans are more
likely to own a dictionary
than any other kind of book,
they tend to keep that
dictionary around for years
after the house copy of
Airframe has been composted;
the purchase-to-obsolescence
lag time can exceed that of
the family dog, if not the
children."

So all these people have
dictionaries. But the
question is: What do they use
them for, if anything?

Nowadays, when people need to
check the spelling of a word,
they use a word processor's
spellchecker — a
decade-old innovation that
has turned most people's
dictionaries into dust
magnets. If there's anyone
left in the world who
actually wants to look up the
meaning of a word, it's
probably in the (now
freeware) Webster's 1913
(http://humanities.
uchicago.edu/ forms_unrest/
webster. form.html). And
you're usually better off
just going to AltaVista for
uses of the word and
guessing the meaning from
context.

But no one makes money off
dictionaries getting used
— they make money off
dictionaries getting sold. So
maybe the ultimate biz model
for Encarta will be a blend of
Rolling Stone and Who's
Who
(to name two other things
no one has read in decades).
On the cover, there'll be a
half-naked celebrity; and on
the inside, unedited nonsense
that "amateur lexicographers"
can pay to get included. No
one will read a word of it,
and it'll sell like hotcakes!

Sean Burke
<sburke@netadventure.net>

That is a great idea. As
someone who has coined many
new words over the last few
years, only to see none of
them really catch on, I would
most certainly pay to have
some of them immortalized in
the EWED. And then if they
went and put, say, Jewel, on
the cover, I'd probably buy a
copy too.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Pimptuition

Thank you for that interview.
I liked it.

Intelligent commentary is
always pleasant to read.

Einstein X. Mystery
<einstein@ scn.org>

"When two tigers fight, one
dies and the other is
crippled."

— Chinese proverb

No matter how nice things get,
at least somebody out there
knows competition isn't about
fitness or personal growth or
moral victory, but about
kicking somebody's ass.

— Suck.com 19 January 1999

"Boy, if I was a woman with
absolutely no intelligence or
taste whatsoever, I'd be
first in line to date him."

— Travis L. Eberle

Antispam link — don't
follow http://e-scrub.com/
spammers-are-
leeches/index.htm

Einstein X. Mystery
einstein@scn.org *:-> ICQ
UIN 17112996 If you have a
question, ask. 928/968? 959!
(You're wrong, Tom.) Still
the only enlisted man ever to
be in the LSpr-c Do you know
where your towel is?

Thanks for your support. I
notice that each time you
write in, your message seems
to get shorter while your sig
grows longer. Is this some
sort of commentary on our age
of commentary?

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"Wasted Hours"

I gave away my time
I typed away the hours
I wanted online relation-
ships
Intimacy, and a few half-
dozen flowers
I got none of that,
nothing but
Date stamped symbols,
numbers, and letters
Emotionally I am an unpaid
electronic ho
I'd hook in cyberspace if
I had a digital camera
I was never in the game
The game was me


Electric Ho
<electronic_ho@yahoo.com>

A stunning look into the
emotional void. Reminds me of
another old favorite:

Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to shit, but only
farted.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Sir:

That was the most profound
interview I've read in a long
time. The depth of it had me
transfixed. I am full. I feel
satisfied.

Yet I don't know why ...

Good work,

Arl
<p1763@midwest.net>

Thanks, Arl. Of course,
this interview merely
scratched the surface. For
the complete treatment you'll
have to get Rosebudd's taped
memoirs
, and petition your
local movie house to show
American Pimp sometime soon.
Don't forget to bring your
favorite bitch!

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Peep Game Holmes,

I gotta give you props for
that pimp shit. I know it's
hard for someone like you to
look from the outside and see
the kind of shit that goes on
in a pimp's world. I didn't
really understand some of it,
but the interview was good
stuff, man. In this day and
age of sell-out blacks like
Colin Powell (aka
Schwartzkopf's main bitch)
and that high yella nigger
from the NAACP, we (black
men) need more insight into
the game. This country has a
pimp running it right now, so
I think it's high time a
playa come back into the
limelight. I'm going to try
to get my home boy T-bone
from around the way to run
for senator next term. He's
definitely got more game than
Governor Bill Owens.

Kid Ci$co,
the hardest artist
<fvelasqu@ ball.com>

"Schwartzkopf" means "black
head" in German, and in fact,
Powell was Schwartzkopf's
boss, not the other way
around. But you raise an
interesting point about Bill
Clinton: How well would he
survive in The Game? My guess
is that he's got the skills,
but I suspect his lack of
self-discipline would get him
into trouble. There'd be a
big hogging-the-merchandise
factor with Dolemite Bill.
Still, it could be a good way
for him to spend his
post-presidential career.

Thanks for your kind words.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Interview with a Pimp was
great. I think Rosebudd
Bitterdose hit upon what to
90 percent of people believe
is true, but nobody realizes or
admits: "You're on the
outside, trying to figure out
how a race car goes 300 miles
per hour when it looks just
like a regular car. I don't
know that shit. All I know is
it can do it." People never
really measure their actions
nearly as much as we would
all like to think. If it
works once, we do it again.
If it didn't work, don't do
it again. Just like the
trained monkeys we all are.

The great thing about
Rosebudd, however, is that he
really does understand this
phenomena. Deep down, a ho is
still just a girl willing to
give it all up for a
relationship. And just like
all the beaten wives out
there who keep bailing their
hubbies out of prison, the
stunning unhealthiness of any
given relationship seems to
have very little impact on
this pursuit.

Taken in its context, his
line, "Believe it or not,
they [hoes] want a real
relationship," is one of my
favorites, possibly rivaling
"The Internet is to
plagiarism what crack is to
violent glassy-eyed babbling"
as the best Suck quote ever.

Sincerely,

Cameron Geiser
<cameron@slip.net>
Card-carrying Suckster #624
Member since 1997
"It's all my fault!"

It's kind of like the
relationship Suck has with
its writers. The writer comes
into the big city full of
hopes and dreams, only to be
beaten down, humiliated, and
left penniless. Eventually we
realize we're doing all the
work and Suck is getting all
the benefits, but we can't
leave, because this is the
only place where we can admit
what hoes we really are.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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