The Fish
for 8 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Pimptuition

Thank you for that interview.
I liked it.

Intelligent commentary is
always pleasant to read.

Einstein X. Mystery
<einstein@ scn.org>

"When two tigers fight, one
dies and the other is
crippled."

— Chinese proverb

No matter how nice things get,
at least somebody out there
knows competition isn't about
fitness or personal growth or
moral victory, but about
kicking somebody's ass.

— Suck.com 19 January 1999

"Boy, if I was a woman with
absolutely no intelligence or
taste whatsoever, I'd be
first in line to date him."

— Travis L. Eberle

Antispam link — don't
follow http://e-scrub.com/
spammers-are-
leeches/index.htm

Einstein X. Mystery
einstein@scn.org *:-> ICQ
UIN 17112996 If you have a
question, ask. 928/968? 959!
(You're wrong, Tom.) Still
the only enlisted man ever to
be in the LSpr-c Do you know
where your towel is?

Thanks for your support. I
notice that each time you
write in, your message seems
to get shorter while your sig
grows longer. Is this some
sort of commentary on our age
of commentary?

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"Wasted Hours"

I gave away my time
I typed away the hours
I wanted online relation-
ships
Intimacy, and a few half-
dozen flowers
I got none of that,
nothing but
Date stamped symbols,
numbers, and letters
Emotionally I am an unpaid
electronic ho
I'd hook in cyberspace if
I had a digital camera
I was never in the game
The game was me


Electric Ho
<electronic_ho@yahoo.com>

A stunning look into the
emotional void. Reminds me of
another old favorite:

Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to shit, but only
farted.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Sir:

That was the most profound
interview I've read in a long
time. The depth of it had me
transfixed. I am full. I feel
satisfied.

Yet I don't know why ...

Good work,

Arl
<p1763@midwest.net>

Thanks, Arl. Of course,
this interview merely
scratched the surface. For
the complete treatment you'll
have to get Rosebudd's taped
memoirs
, and petition your
local movie house to show
American Pimp sometime soon.
Don't forget to bring your
favorite bitch!

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Peep Game Holmes,

I gotta give you props for
that pimp shit. I know it's
hard for someone like you to
look from the outside and see
the kind of shit that goes on
in a pimp's world. I didn't
really understand some of it,
but the interview was good
stuff, man. In this day and
age of sell-out blacks like
Colin Powell (aka
Schwartzkopf's main bitch)
and that high yella nigger
from the NAACP, we (black
men) need more insight into
the game. This country has a
pimp running it right now, so
I think it's high time a
playa come back into the
limelight. I'm going to try
to get my home boy T-bone
from around the way to run
for senator next term. He's
definitely got more game than
Governor Bill Owens.

Kid Ci$co,
the hardest artist
<fvelasqu@ ball.com>

"Schwartzkopf" means "black
head" in German, and in fact,
Powell was Schwartzkopf's
boss, not the other way
around. But you raise an
interesting point about Bill
Clinton: How well would he
survive in The Game? My guess
is that he's got the skills,
but I suspect his lack of
self-discipline would get him
into trouble. There'd be a
big hogging-the-merchandise
factor with Dolemite Bill.
Still, it could be a good way
for him to spend his
post-presidential career.

Thanks for your kind words.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Interview with a Pimp was
great. I think Rosebudd
Bitterdose hit upon what to
90 percent of people believe
is true, but nobody realizes or
admits: "You're on the
outside, trying to figure out
how a race car goes 300 miles
per hour when it looks just
like a regular car. I don't
know that shit. All I know is
it can do it." People never
really measure their actions
nearly as much as we would
all like to think. If it
works once, we do it again.
If it didn't work, don't do
it again. Just like the
trained monkeys we all are.

The great thing about
Rosebudd, however, is that he
really does understand this
phenomena. Deep down, a ho is
still just a girl willing to
give it all up for a
relationship. And just like
all the beaten wives out
there who keep bailing their
hubbies out of prison, the
stunning unhealthiness of any
given relationship seems to
have very little impact on
this pursuit.

Taken in its context, his
line, "Believe it or not,
they [hoes] want a real
relationship," is one of my
favorites, possibly rivaling
"The Internet is to
plagiarism what crack is to
violent glassy-eyed babbling"
as the best Suck quote ever.

Sincerely,

Cameron Geiser
<cameron@slip.net>
Card-carrying Suckster #624
Member since 1997
"It's all my fault!"

It's kind of like the
relationship Suck has with
its writers. The writer comes
into the big city full of
hopes and dreams, only to be
beaten down, humiliated, and
left penniless. Eventually we
realize we're doing all the
work and Suck is getting all
the benefits, but we can't
leave, because this is the
only place where we can admit
what hoes we really are.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


History Is Bunko

I don't know if you're
superstitious but it's
generally understood in the
circles that I operate in
that it's not a good idea to
make fun of Charles Manson. I
understand the symbolism of
the sno-globe, but what's
with that weird cat in the
background? Is that supposed
to be a reference to Kitty
Lutesinger?

Demmy Rooster

Dear Demmy,

This advice is well taken,
and no doubt an Alan Berg-
like fate awaits me at
the hands of one of Manson's
extended family. As for the
cat, you shall know its
meaning at the time of my
demise, which should be any
day now if we are on the same
page.

The Boob
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


HAW HAW HAW! "Cutting-edge
Web zine" my fat, hairy, white
ass!

http://www.pigdog.org/auto/
mr_bads_list/shortcolumn/657.html


Mr. Bad
<mr.bad@pigdog.org>

Dear Mr. Bad,

We will thank you not to bring
race into this somewhat delicate
matter.

The Boob

[Editor's PS: That Sierra Nevada
you're drinking in your author photo
makes you look like a total fucking
rocker!
ROCK ON,
MUTHAFUCKAH!!!]
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Enjoyed your article of 22
October 1999. Are you a
regular writer for Suck? I've
been following your other
page. Hope you are free to
continue using the yellow sub
icon.

Best wishes,

E. Palo
<SPELL1322@prodigy.net>

Dear E.,

I am a semiregular writer
for Suck, and hope to
maintain access to its sharp
readership and solvent
checking account. As you are
probably the only reader of
The Boob outside of my
immediate family, you have a
special claim upon my
gratitude as both artist and
freak. Just between you, me,
and the Mersey Ferry,
however, if you run into
George Harrison, please don't
mention my name.

Yours,

The Boob
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: WOW ...

Am I the only one who finds
the Vietnam/heroin references
in your "Greatest Generation"
segment today just plain
wrong?

Jacob Marley
<JacobMrley@aol.com>

Dear Mr. Marley,

Yes, you're the only one.
Everyone else here is in
favor of heroin and Vietnam.
Unless I'm the one who's
mistaken — and how likely
is that?

Yours,

The Boob
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I am a multimedia designer
with a satirical bent. Would
love to send a ré
sumé and some work to
you. Is there anyone specific
I should contact?

Thanks.

I particularly liked the
Charles Manson segment.

Regards,

Andre Herzegovitch
<andreherz@bio-media.com>

Dear Andre,

Thanks for the nice words.
All such inquiries should be
directed to tim@suck.com. But
I warn you now that Tim is a
hard man, little given to the
indulgences of courtiers,
satirical or otherwise. I
predict a J. Jonah
Jameson–style exclamation
upon receipt of your
ré sumé, which
will be counted fortunate if
it escapes the fire of Tim's
ever-present cigar.

Yrs,

The Boob
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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