The Fish
for 4 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Hit & Run

Young Foot Lovers???

The last link on the page ...

What the hell did I just look
at?

Little girls' feet ... WTF

This is sick, man, the most
twisted, perverted thing I
think I've ever seen. Little
girls sucking on each others
feet, playing at the beach,
running around barefoot ...
oh shit, I'm getting a
hard-on again. Help me
Sucksters.

Confused and feeling a tad
dirty,

Christopher Miller
<cm007i@mail.rochester.edu>

Careful, Chris. If young foot
worship is outlawed, it won't
go away; it'll just go
underground, to the
netherworld of back-alley
Jellies-sniffing and
south-of-the-border bunion
removal.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Reading up on yet another
defeat of campaign finance
reform led by Trent Lott, I'm
constantly reminded that for
a man who hates gays as much
as he does, he's one hell of
a cocksucker.

Practicing safe politics,

Steve Gattuso
<doodles@primenet.com>

Any party that pays to
support and maintain a Dick
Armey has no business hating
gays.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Attn: Sucksters!

I thought I'd just go ahead
and play Colombo myself, as
many of the other readers
without much of a life to
speak of were doing. So,
regarding your
AllowanceNET.com coverage
and mainly Patti's e-retort:
I've found that when reading
Patti's seemingly somewhat
scatter-thoughted letter it
becomes much more concise and
understandable if one focuses
solely on the words Patti
chose to write in all capital
letters. In this case, the
letter reads:

BUT GET IT STRAIGHT!!!! FIRST
ARE NOT PIE JUST YOU GUYS
HIGH-HANDED CAVALIER ASSUME
ACTUALLY BOTHERING TO FIND
OUT WE GOT LUCKY RIGHT RIGHT
MUCH SECOND ZIP OTHER POINTS
OF CONTENTION AOL MTV THEIR
NICE TOTAL A TAD IS ROCK GIF
BTW GREAT THAT AND TOO

>From this I made two
deductions.

(1) Patti should stick to
prose.

(2) Patti has, unfortunately,
given away AllowanceNet.com's
secret and highly hidden
agenda. It becomes painfully
obvious when reading the
above text that their
organization is of the devil,
urging our children to engage
in unmarried, homosexual sex.

I say we ship the whole of
AllowanceNET.com off to good
ol' South Carolina, along
with Harry Potter, Tinky
Winky, and Ellen. Or, if any
of 'em are cute we can give
'em my address and ship 'em
off to me.

Cheers,

Raymie S.
<smith.3023@osu.edu>

Tinky Winky's pretty cute.
Learn to make a good Tubby
Custard and you might get
lucky.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I disagree that killing the
Feingold/McCain Campaign
Finance bill is a mistake.
The bill won't solve campaign
abuses, and it limits free speech
of all but the press, which
is why journalists love the
bill. The press will be the
only ones allowed to comment
on a race in the last 90/60
days, and that's when it
really matters. The two in
the race can bash each other
to the extent their public
campaign funds allow, but
that's not enough —
especially for the guy in the
race the press and unions are
against. The press isn't
holy; most sit on their a****,
use Wite-Out on the
header of the latest press
release handed to them by the
White House, run it, and call
it news.

As an individual, I have very
little effect on campaigns
other than my one vote and
$1,000 to my favorite
candidate. As a member of a
special interest group, I and
all those who contribute to
the PAC/special interest
group, have real clout. We
can hire a lobbyist to watch
legislation that affects our
interest and we can buy
campaign ads to effect the
election — real power.

Money will always be in
politics. If you want reform,
make all contributions
reportable and easy to access
so you know who is pulling
your politician's chain.
Also, raise the individual
contribution to $5,000, as
$1,000 is way too low to make
an impact.

T. Jones
<trjones@execpc.com>

Thanks for your thoughts on
campaign finance. We're sure
the Republic is a little
safer tonight as your $1,000
gets converted into its
weight in chocolate candies
in the shape of Tom DeLay.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Que Viva Filler y Polly!

BrainPlug
<brainplug@yahoo.com>

PS Is it true, que tu eres
una mujer hermosa?


Hermosa Beach? I've only been
there once, and it was pretty
unpleasant. I spent most of the
evening with two medical
equipment salesmen who're
acquaintances of a friend of
mine. They had just gotten
back from Club Med, where
they cheated on their
girlfriends to their hearts'
content. They were reddish
tan, well rested, tired, but
still ready for the comforts
of home — Jägermeister
shots, jalapeño poppers, and
endless games of pool
followed by early morning
DirectTV on a wall-sized
screen. It's a beautiful
life.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

Here's a loose script for a
Terry Colon cartoon about
Polly Esther. It came to me
while I was smoking the dummy
pipe (surprise), then I got
carried away.

Dame Hex
<smoke@toke.com>

The Sucksth Sense Filler with
a surprise ending

[Polly is playing a video
game. A cuckoo pops from a
clock.] Yipes, I played
Minesweeper right through
lunch! Filler is due in half
an hour and my commitment to
creating cohesive, original
material is hovering around
nil. Guess it's back to the
old mail bag.

Dearest Ms. Esther,

I just wanted to tell you that I
do a stand-up routine at a
prominent local comedy venue
and I have a thing in my act
(honestly, the only bit that
kills every time) that I
stole straight from one of
your Filler columns. You
remember Mr. Flinchy? I start
with "I have a nickname, and
it's the same nickname I get
from every woman I date:
'Mister Flinchy.'" Then I do
the whole bit. Come down and
see it some time!

(name and city witheld)

PS Are you as short and squat
as you appear in Mr. Colon's
illustrations?

[Back at the desk. Polly is
elongated] Ha ha, that's
pretty good. I'll have to put
that in this week. What else
is there in the old mail
hole?

Dearest Polly,

I just needed to say that the
last 10 Fillers have been my
favorite Fillers ever! I've
collected the whole run on my
hard drive and all I've got to
say is: BRAVO! Again! Times
10! I hate it when people who
aren't you write Filler.
Here's to 10 more in a row!

[Polly counts on her fingers]
Definitely goes in the "for
publication" folder. Just the
sort of pop-critical
incisiveness that makes Suck
a leading journal of our
cultural moment. Ah, here's
one ...

Beautiful, sparkling Polly,

I'm your scary obsessive fan,
and I just want you to know
I've been watching you.

[Polly looks disturbed]

[Polly is in Joey's office]
Polly: So then he attached a
panel-by-panel script for a
cartoon about me and him
getting married, and getting
guns and water, and making a
bunker together in Oregon for
Y2K. And if he doesn't see it
posted on Wednesday, I'll
"regret it forever." Does
that sound like a threat?

Joey: Sure, very cute. Use
it.

[Polly back at her desk]
Shit! Clock's ticking and I'm
scared to look in the mail. I
could write about the 37 ways
people in relationships get
on my nerves. Or I could make
a map chart, let's see,
empirical/subjective versus
on television/not on
television. Or ...

[Polly back in Joey's office]
Polly: See, in this week's
Filler, our new character
Belle "Bottom" St. Flare
calls her mom, reads email,
thinks about which guys she'd
never date, and then jumps a
freight train where she meets
a magical hobo who teaches
her the true meaning of
Thanksgiving!

[Joey looks up from his
paper, stares at Polly]

Polly: See, Filler's been too
self-focused lately, a little
too "Polly, Polly, Polly."
I'm trying to take it in a
new direction.

[Joey looks back at paper]
Joey: Your copy's due in
eight minutes.

[Polly back at desk] Um ... I
know! A cartoon bashing
Canadian crack-rabbits and
people who use phrases like
"punk-rock sense of irony!"
Cartoons take up a lot of
space. And in the jokes at
the end of the column, I can
make fun of the jokes I made
at the beginning of the
column.

[Her screen goes black, someone
else has taken control]
Polly ... it's me ... I'm your
No. 1 fan, Polly ... you made me ...
you made me love you ...

[The stalker appears, is
revealed as Mister Flinchy]

Polly: OK! You cornered me!
What the hell do you want?

[He produces metal rectangle]
Flinchy: Will you sign my hard
drive?

[POOF: Polly wakes up; it's all
been a dream]

Ahhh. Nobody's after me. I
didn't miss lunch. And I've still
got over 24 hours to fake my
way through this week's Filler.

[Caption: The next day]
[Polly is playing Minesweeper.
A cuckoo jumps out of a clock.]
Yipes! I'm pressed for time and
my commitment to creating
cohesive, original material
is hovering around nil.

[Joey walks by her desk]
Joey: What's so hard? You
usually just do a strip about
you sitting at your computer
writing your strip every week.
Just do that again! People
love that!

Polly: OK, how about one where
I'm sitting at my computer, and
I'm reading my email, and ...
there's no mail except fan
letters, and I could become
tormented by them. Driven mad
by my own success! Sort of a
haunting psychological portrait
thing.

[Joey reading paper] Joey: Sure.
Who cares?

Polly: I can't do it.

Joey: Can't do which now?

Polly: I can't write something
so pointedly self-referential
and then put it where hundreds,
maybe even tens of hundreds of
strangers will see it.

Joey: Since when?

Polly: I mean it. I'm no longer able
to deliver the thoughtful analysis
and biting satire Suck pays me for.
You'll have to accept my
resignation.

Joey: Don't be so dramatic. Just
pick some long-ass letter from
the reader mail and publish it
verbatim.

Words: Dame Hex
Pictures: Terry Colon

Oh God. I need a drink.

Well. Ahem. It would be the best
Filler in months, only I play
Tetris, not Minesweeper.

So I guess we can't run it. Sorry!

Pointy and self-referential,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

The Examination Table

Hello,

I am a member of the End of
Philosophical Complacency
Coalition who has
recognized you as one who
leads an examined life.

Our site.
http://members.tripod.com/kud31/

Those familiar with the
humiliating ways of the
intellect have been know to
appreciate it.

Sincerely,
The EPCC

Whatever gave you the
impression that we chose this
path?

Humiliating is right. Living the
examined life means subjecting
yourself to your own examination
table, being probed and prodded
and pushed to the limits by your
own unsettled, invasively curious
mind. See also: neuroticism,
obsessive-compuslive disorder,
manic depression ...

We thirst for philosophical
complacency like a tall, icy
tumbler of water with a zesty
wedge of lime perched on the
edge. Unfortunately, we're
dissatisfied, searching,
nimble only thanks to the
constant acrobatic demands
our anxious minds place on our
otherwise lazy existences. If
we weren't so obviously
psychologically damaged, we'd
be happily flipping burgers right
now.


Damn you for reminding us of
that!

the Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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