for 3 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Que Viva Filler y Polly! BrainPlug <brainplug@yahoo.com> PS Is it true, que tu eres una mujer hermosa? Hermosa Beach? I've only been there once, and it was pretty unpleasant. I spent most of the evening with two medical equipment salesmen who're acquaintances of a friend of mine. They had just gotten back from Club Med, where they cheated on their girlfriends to their hearts' content. They were reddish tan, well rested, tired, but still ready for the comforts of home — Jägermeister shots, jalapeño poppers, and endless games of pool followed by early morning DirectTV on a wall-sized screen. It's a beautiful life. Polly  Polly, Here's a loose script for a Terry Colon cartoon about Polly Esther. It came to me while I was smoking the dummy pipe (surprise), then I got carried away. Dame Hex <smoke@toke.com> The Sucksth Sense Filler with a surprise ending [Polly is playing a video game. A cuckoo pops from a clock.] Yipes, I played Minesweeper right through lunch! Filler is due in half an hour and my commitment to creating cohesive, original material is hovering around nil. Guess it's back to the old mail bag. Dearest Ms. Esther, I just wanted to tell you that I do a stand-up routine at a prominent local comedy venue and I have a thing in my act (honestly, the only bit that kills every time) that I stole straight from one of your Filler columns. You remember Mr. Flinchy? I start with "I have a nickname, and it's the same nickname I get from every woman I date: 'Mister Flinchy.'" Then I do the whole bit. Come down and see it some time! (name and city witheld) PS Are you as short and squat as you appear in Mr. Colon's illustrations? [Back at the desk. Polly is elongated] Ha ha, that's pretty good. I'll have to put that in this week. What else is there in the old mail hole? Dearest Polly, I just needed to say that the last 10 Fillers have been my favorite Fillers ever! I've collected the whole run on my hard drive and all I've got to say is: BRAVO! Again! Times 10! I hate it when people who aren't you write Filler. Here's to 10 more in a row! [Polly counts on her fingers] Definitely goes in the "for publication" folder. Just the sort of pop-critical incisiveness that makes Suck a leading journal of our cultural moment. Ah, here's one ... Beautiful, sparkling Polly, I'm your scary obsessive fan, and I just want you to know I've been watching you. [Polly looks disturbed] [Polly is in Joey's office] Polly: So then he attached a panel-by-panel script for a cartoon about me and him getting married, and getting guns and water, and making a bunker together in Oregon for Y2K. And if he doesn't see it posted on Wednesday, I'll "regret it forever." Does that sound like a threat? Joey: Sure, very cute. Use it. [Polly back at her desk] Shit! Clock's ticking and I'm scared to look in the mail. I could write about the 37 ways people in relationships get on my nerves. Or I could make a map chart, let's see, empirical/subjective versus on television/not on television. Or ... [Polly back in Joey's office] Polly: See, in this week's Filler, our new character Belle "Bottom" St. Flare calls her mom, reads email, thinks about which guys she'd never date, and then jumps a freight train where she meets a magical hobo who teaches her the true meaning of Thanksgiving! [Joey looks up from his paper, stares at Polly] Polly: See, Filler's been too self-focused lately, a little too "Polly, Polly, Polly." I'm trying to take it in a new direction. [Joey looks back at paper] Joey: Your copy's due in eight minutes. [Polly back at desk] Um ... I know! A cartoon bashing Canadian crack-rabbits and people who use phrases like "punk-rock sense of irony!" Cartoons take up a lot of space. And in the jokes at the end of the column, I can make fun of the jokes I made at the beginning of the column. [Her screen goes black, someone else has taken control] Polly ... it's me ... I'm your No. 1 fan, Polly ... you made me ... you made me love you ... [The stalker appears, is revealed as Mister Flinchy] Polly: OK! You cornered me! What the hell do you want? [He produces metal rectangle] Flinchy: Will you sign my hard drive? [POOF: Polly wakes up; it's all been a dream] Ahhh. Nobody's after me. I didn't miss lunch. And I've still got over 24 hours to fake my way through this week's Filler. [Caption: The next day] [Polly is playing Minesweeper. A cuckoo jumps out of a clock.] Yipes! I'm pressed for time and my commitment to creating cohesive, original material is hovering around nil. [Joey walks by her desk] Joey: What's so hard? You usually just do a strip about you sitting at your computer writing your strip every week. Just do that again! People love that! Polly: OK, how about one where I'm sitting at my computer, and I'm reading my email, and ... there's no mail except fan letters, and I could become tormented by them. Driven mad by my own success! Sort of a haunting psychological portrait thing. [Joey reading paper] Joey: Sure. Who cares? Polly: I can't do it. Joey: Can't do which now? Polly: I can't write something so pointedly self-referential and then put it where hundreds, maybe even tens of hundreds of strangers will see it. Joey: Since when? Polly: I mean it. I'm no longer able to deliver the thoughtful analysis and biting satire Suck pays me for. You'll have to accept my resignation. Joey: Don't be so dramatic. Just pick some long-ass letter from the reader mail and publish it verbatim. Words: Dame Hex Pictures: Terry Colon Oh God. I need a drink. Well. Ahem. It would be the best Filler in months, only I play Tetris, not Minesweeper. So I guess we can't run it. Sorry! Pointy and self-referential, Polly The Examination Table Hello, I am a member of the End of Philosophical Complacency Coalition who has recognized you as one who leads an examined life. Our site. http://members.tripod.com/kud31/ Those familiar with the humiliating ways of the intellect have been know to appreciate it. Sincerely, The EPCC Whatever gave you the impression that we chose this path? Humiliating is right. Living the examined life means subjecting yourself to your own examination table, being probed and prodded and pushed to the limits by your own unsettled, invasively curious mind. See also: neuroticism, obsessive-compuslive disorder, manic depression ... We thirst for philosophical complacency like a tall, icy tumbler of water with a zesty wedge of lime perched on the edge. Unfortunately, we're dissatisfied, searching, nimble only thanks to the constant acrobatic demands our anxious minds place on our otherwise lazy existences. If we weren't so obviously psychologically damaged, we'd be happily flipping burgers right now.
Long Live the King "Second, he was embraced by the French — no less a has-been than Jean-Luc Godard called Jerry 'the only American director who has made progressive films.'" Hey! That's not fair! It's also untrue. But I agree with all the other stuff. All right? Gary Elshaw <godard@hotmail.com> You claim the Godard quote is untrue? I found it in a respected Jerry biography from a major publisher, and surely their quality control wouldn't let such a thing go by. Thanks for your other kind words. Best, Eugen Nice. Very nice. Of course, it does beg the question of what he should do. You've got to hunt for it, of course, but in fact (with the right director and script) Jerry Lewis can act. He's an entertainer and a pro — that's what he does. Sure, he could direct. He could produce. He could retire. But actors act; that's what they do. Give him credit for wanting to be what he is. He can't do the kind of physical comedy he invented, so what should he do? While you're at it, you might come up with a future for Jonathan Winters, surely one of the funniest men who ever lived, and even for Mel Brooks. If comedy is a young man's game — and it certainly seems to be — we need a better place than the Friars Club to put our old comics in. Alan S. Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> If I could come up with a Better Tomorrow for Jerry, Jonathan, or Mel, I'd be a more powerful being than God. And then I'd be able to answer all my email simultaneously. Best, Eugen I just want to know why Suck seems to have such a great disliking for Lenny Bruce, but throws laurels around the neck of The Bellboy for doing everything badly first. <pwrmeasap@ yahoo.com> Because he's not funny? Cordially, Eugen So you listen to Stern, eh? <BlakeB.bpd@ci.boston.ma.us> Sometimes. Hey, did you hear he and Alison are getting divorced? Best, Eugen Subject: Jerry vs. Steve Impressive list of Jerry Lewis' accomplishments in today's Suck. But he still hasn't created as much — and with as much originality — as Steve Allen has. Ya know, maybe Steverino also doesn't get the same respect as Andy, Lenny, and Gilda because he's still alive. Jim Burrill <jimburr@hotbot.com> At last notice, the accounts of Steverino's "aliveness" had been greatly exaggerated. Mr. M |
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