The Fish
for 2 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Long Live the King

"Second, he was embraced by
the French — no less a
has-been than Jean-Luc Godard
called Jerry 'the only
American director who has
made progressive films.'"

Hey! That's not fair! It's
also untrue.

But I agree with all the
other stuff. All right?

Gary Elshaw
<godard@hotmail.com>

You claim the Godard quote is
untrue? I found it in a
respected Jerry biography
from a major publisher, and
surely their quality control
wouldn't let such a thing go
by.

Thanks for your other kind
words.

Best,

Eugen
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Nice. Very nice. Of course,
it does beg the question
of what he should do. You've
got to hunt for it, of
course, but in fact (with the
right director and script)
Jerry Lewis can act. He's an
entertainer and a pro —
that's what he does.

Sure, he could direct. He
could produce. He could
retire. But actors act;
that's what they do. Give him
credit for wanting to be what
he is. He can't do the kind
of physical comedy he
invented, so what should he
do?

While you're at it, you might
come up with a future for
Jonathan Winters, surely one
of the funniest men who ever
lived, and even for Mel
Brooks. If comedy is a young
man's game — and it
certainly seems to be —
we need a better place than
the Friars Club to put our
old comics in.

Alan S. Kornheiser
<ASKornheiser@prodigy.net>

If I could come up with a
Better Tomorrow for Jerry,
Jonathan, or Mel, I'd be a
more powerful being than
God. And then I'd be able to
answer all my email
simultaneously.

Best,

Eugen
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I just want to know why Suck
seems to have such a great
disliking for Lenny Bruce,
but throws laurels around the
neck of The Bellboy for doing
everything badly first.

<pwrmeasap@ yahoo.com>

Because he's not funny?

Cordially,

Eugen
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


So you listen to Stern, eh?

<BlakeB.bpd@ci.boston.ma.us>

Sometimes. Hey, did you hear
he and Alison are getting
divorced?

Best,

Eugen
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Jerry vs. Steve

Impressive list of Jerry
Lewis' accomplishments in
today's Suck. But he still
hasn't created as much —
and with as much originality
— as Steve Allen has.

Ya know, maybe Steverino also
doesn't get the same respect
as Andy, Lenny, and Gilda
because he's still alive.

Jim Burrill
<jimburr@hotbot.com>

At last notice, the accounts
of Steverino's "aliveness"
had been greatly exaggerated.

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Manhattan Project

Holly,

It's indicative of just how
screwed up things are in
Gotham when the controversy
there over an art exhibit
echoes something that
happened in Cincinnati a
decade ago (the Robert
Mapplethorpe exhibit
brouhaha). Mark Twain must be
spinning in his grave.

Sucking in Southern Ohio,

Tony Nowikowski
<tony@nowikowski.com>

Actually, Gotham also managed
to rip off Ohio's punk rock
props back in the day, since
the Pere Ubu/Tin Huey/Rubber
City Rebels nexus antedated
the much-ballyhooed CBGB's
din kicked up by Blondie,
Talking Heads, et al. (though
the Ramones remain, as ever,
unsullied by the plodding
linear march of history and
the company they were forced
to keep). But this birthright
has been squandered by the
unsightly Cleveland siting of
the Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame and Museum, proving that
no region is finally immune
from the scourge of virtual
history — or the giddy
placelessness of sports
fandom.

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


It's been two years since I
lived there, but that hurt!

I'm assuming you've never
lived there ... or you might
think otherwise.

Dennis

Dennis Smith
<DSMITH@kmd-arch.com>

It's been more than two years
I have lived here, and many
more that I've wrestled with
its Macy's parade–scale
inflated sense of self-worth.
There are, to be sure, many
virtues to the place, but
they tend to wilt in the face
of desperate sports fandom
and the special pleading
foisted on a hapless nation
by everyone from Woody Allen
to Regis Philbin. Chicago is,
for my money, a far more
agreeable town, and manages
to forgo such strenuous
theatrics; people actually
enjoy living there without
constantly advertising the
fact of doing so as a great
life accomplishment. And, not
coincidentally, on the rare
occasions when the city's
baseball franchises find
themselves in postseason
play, they do the gentlemanly
thing and promptly collapse.

Go, uh, Cubs,

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Holly,

I left New York for San
Francisco precisely because
of the Nazi in Gracie Mansion
and his black-shirted police
force, which combined rather
poorly with the general anschluss
of Gotham's grit and attitude,
leaving me with a sense of
impending riot and mayhem. It
saddens me to hear that 12
billion souls could be put
and kept in their places by
the husband of a DJ.

One would have thought that
most of NYC's "issues" were
the result of so many bullies
in the school, not just the
want of a better school marm.

Mind you, SF's mayor is no
better.

Here's to the joy of a decent
economic depression that will
bring both cities back to
their '70s glory and pride.

Faithfully yours,

Bill Bailey
<arkouda@doxos.com>

Oddly, it comforts me to
reflect that, their many
trials notwithstanding, New
Yorkers would seem to have,
let's see, roughly 1,777
souls apiece. When all else
fails, after all, we New
Yorkers can always fall back
on our intense spirituality.
I must say, however, that
unsightly as our own mayor
is, the Nazi analogies strike
me as a tad, shall we say,
overblown. It's true he's
never seen a vicious cop he
didn't like, and nary a
street vendor or cabbie he
did, but the knee-jerk,
virulent demonization of the
guy seems to be a weird form
of Upper West Side
catharthis for catharthis'
sake. It would be much more
convincing, in any event, if
our sage liberal Democrat
braintrust could manage
something like a serious
political challenge to him
and all he stands for.
Somehow the notion that Mark
Green would seize the reins
of municipal power thanks to
a Giuliani putsch in the
Senate is akin to, well,
celebrating the Yankees'
elevation into World Series
glory after a long series of
bad umpiring calls in their
favor. As for the specter of
depression and riots, it's
the nature of the new Gotham
beast that the depression
would likely be triggered by
a long-overdue correction in
sports-merchandising futures.
And the riots would be
supplied, of course, by cops
and NASDAQ day traders.

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"Omnientertainment state a
paying proposition in the
longest peacetime boom in
American history."

Pardon me? Peacetime boom?
Maybe therein lies the
problem — the last time I
looked, the US of Eh
(still) spends more on its
military than all of its
enemies combined. Weren't
Americans just directly
involved in Iraq and Kosovo
(and oddly, not in Timor or
"Kurdistan")?

Canadians are apparently
pacific, but maybe New York
will start a trend. Learn to
love being Canadian ... learn
to love Big Brother.

Martin Koldijk
(Rhymes withchilly les)
<01140759@3web.net>

Well, I grant that war is
simply an economic stimulus
by other means, but I still
cling to the old-fashioned
notion that wars are, you
know, things that involve
massive movements of troops
over long stretches of time.
And are sometimes even
declared. But I'm sure all these
disputations will be rendered
merely semantic once we start
raining our retribution on
the shifty enemy on the other
side of the Maple Leaf
curtain — unless, of
course, plans proceed apace
to relocate Yankee Stadium in
Toronto.

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? THE
MEDIA CALLED IT THE WAR IN
KOSOVO; EVERYONE CALLED IT A
WAR BUT THE GOVERNMENTS
BECAUSE THEY WENT AROUND THE
PROCESS OF FORMALLY DECLARING
A WAR AND CALLED IT A NATO
EXERCISE BUT IT WAS A WAR ALL
THE SAME. THESE ARE THE SAME
SEMANTICS THAT GOT THE United
States IN VIETNAM FOR
(APPROX.) 10 YEARS. AS FAR AS
I KNOW, EVERYONE CALLED IT
THE VIETNAM WAR BUT THE
POLITICIANS NEVER CALLED IT
SUCH. HA HA, YOU'LL FIND THAT
THE United States ALREADY
OWNS ALMOST EVERY SQUARE
METER OF CANADA ANYWAY —
INVADING US WOULD BE
POINTLESS. WHY INVADE WHEN
YOU OWN EVERYTHING IN THE
COUNTRY YOU ARE INVADING?
BESIDES, AMERICANS ARE JUST
DECADENT SUBURBANS WHO
COULDN'T FIGHT A SERIOUS
CONFLICT IF THEIR LIVES
COUNTED ON IT. FINALLY, SINCE
WHEN DID SOME PUSSY LIBERALS
LIKE YOURSELF BECOME SO
MILITARISTIC? HAVE YOU EVER
HAD ANY MILITARY TRAINING? I
HAVE. BEING A SOLDIER IS
SERIOUS BUSINESS. IF YOU WANT
TO GRAB A RIFLE AND HUNT ME
DOWN, GO FOR IT. I WOULD
EXPECT NOTHING LESS FROM A
VIOLENT AMERICAN BULLY
(COLUMBINE, ETC.). YOU PEOPLE
ARE VIOLENT AND DISGUSTING.
ONCE YOU'VE FINISHED KILLING
EACH OTHER OFF THEN MAYBE
YOU'LL INVADE CANADA.

TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE.

MARTIN KOLDIJK
<0114059@3web.net>

Oh my. I was merely attempting
to observe long-established Suck
protocol by tweaking Canadians
with stereotypical, boorish
US élan. Little did I guess
how dangerous a pastime this
could prove to be — even
for someone like myself, who
is simultaneously a pussy liberal,
a decadent suburbanite, and a
disgusting, violent Littleton
commando. I have every reason
to credit and honor your own
military training, and withdraw
my prior misguided sport-making
on the grounds that this would
seem to be the very sort
of exchange that fuels passions
in these things known as "wars."

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: NYC doesn't suck
that much ...

... given the alternatives.

Drew Robertson <atlantic@
abslive.com>

The alternatives being what?
Newark and Wilmington?

Holly Martins
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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