The Fish
for 27 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Filler

Subject: Another Popover

Dear Polly,

Thank you for the knowing
references to frogs in
children's media. While I
enjoy references to other
aspects of pop culture, like
popular hair styles and
failed online magazines,
references to the frogs of
children's books, songs, and
stories are, to me, a
particular pleasure. Ah,
sweet reminiscence! Where can
I get a Frog and Toad poster?
Where is my dog-eared copy of
Frog and Toad are Friends? What did
The Dream really mean? And
those delicious popovers.
What happened to that record
I had of Kermit the Frog
retelling The Frog Prince? Is
it still in print? I remember
the first meeting of Robin
the Brave and the fair
princess. She dropped her
ball down a well, and brave
Robin announced he would
retrieve it. He dove into the
well, lingering there longer
than was comfortable for me.
Kermit's play-by-play
narration only added to the
suspense: "He didn't come up!
He didn't come up! And
finally ... he came up!" My
copy had a skip at that
point, though, so Kermit kept
repeating "He didn't come up!
He didn't come up! He didn't
come up!" over and over
again. I would wait
breathlessly for Robin's
reemergence, shaking with
anxiety, until my older
brother took pity on me and
advanced the needle. To this
day I still cannot bring
myself to overcome my fear
and retrieve golden balls
thrown by princesses into
deep wells without a stiff
drink. But I do love
popovers, and never resist an
invitation to have another.
For your next knowing
reference to frogs in
children's media, may I
suggest you invoke the
prophetic, eponymous frog of
Russell Hoban's The Mouse and
His Child?
As the frog says,
"A dog shall rise, a rat
shall fall."

Bake the hall in the candle
of my brain,

G. Gooding
<knucks98@hotmail.com>

It warms my heart to know
that someone out there
understood the "Have another
popover, froggy" reference.
When I want someone to keep
quiet, I find it's the first
thing that comes to my lips.
But alas, no one knows what
I'm talking about. It's a
lonely life.

A dog shall rise, a rat shall
fall. Too true, too true.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


As a recent college dropout,
I was shocked and appalled by
how unrealistic your article
was. There's no way someone
fresh out of college can
afford an apartment, let
alone in the city. If they
could, they would last
several years in more modest
circumstances without having
to work at all. Do you
remember back when online
publishing was called
"uploading t-philez"? What I
mean is, you're basically on
social assistance already. If
you accept that university is
an enormous, state-funded
summer camp and dating
service for the middle class,
then it's less than
surprising that the vast
majority of white-collar jobs
are state-funded, "welfare
plus!" programs. I can't
imagine why anyone would get
so many favors from the
government unless they were
dangerous somehow. So what
would an "I'm bored mom,
entertain me!"-type temper
tantrum look like on a vast
scale? It would probably look
like the 1960s. And no good
came of that, except the
discovery that middle-class
kids need concessions too.
And No. 1 on their list of
demands is freedom from work.
So in the current political
climate there is no need to
work. You may need to dress
up and whine in the right
direction to upgrade your
handout level, but no matter
what, the state will provide
enough for you to live above
the eyesore level.

Demmy Rooster
<root@treehouse.dyndns.org>

What country are you talking
aboot?
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Sucksters, "(She is, in fact,
wearing underpants, boys.)"

You used my favorite word in
a column! Underpants!

Not that I haven't been a
Suck fan for months, but this
really seals the deal.

Underpants! Underpants!
Underpants!

Not wearing any underpants,

Alexandra Sarkozy
<asarkozy@ hotmail.com>

Hey! We're not wearing
underpants either!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Platinum in cars?

Whoever,

Sulpher, not platinum, is the
stuff in catalytic converters
that smells like rotten eggs.
It's also associated with
brimstone in certain contexts
you might be familiar with.

Go Mavs!

Rahm McDaniel
<sliderule2000@hotmail.com>

Um. Oh! OK.

Go suck an egg!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Look, there's nothing new
about student staffs (and
small-brained administrators)
kowtowing (is that
offensive?) to the demands of
noisy but misguided people.
As a student editor at a
similar newspaper, I nearly
lost my position because I
ran Matt Groening's Life in
Hell
cartoons. There was this
series, School is Hell, and
in one panel, the teacher,
having previously been
identified repeatedly (about
10 times per strip) as a
complete idiot/jerk/loser/
fool/demon, used the
word nigger.

Well, Groening's office said
the strip had run in about
110 papers a year prior (we
were backward, but trying to
catch up) without a single
complaint ... until then. The
paper, of course, went out of
its way to kiss ass —
we're talking full pages of
letters-to-the-editor,
meetings, and racial
sensitivity training
(retraining?). There was a
lot of support from the
literate members of the
university community who
understood that the strip was
condemning racism, not
condoning it. Maybe those two
words just look too much
alike. I dunno. But I don't
get the whole idea of
trashing someone who's just
published a commentary
condemning racism just
because some readers didn't
do the processing necessary
to comprehend it. And anyone
who had even a vague idea of
what Groening was doing at
the time (this was
pre-Simpsons) would have seen
that the man produced
anti-idiot, antibigot,
antiracist cartoons that also
happened to be a hell of a
good read. I mean, if you buy
into some sort of "turn
potential allies into enemies
unless we kill them first"
ethic, sure, trash the
messenger and walk away
bloodied but triumphant. But
there was no support from
administration,
paper pushers, bench warmers,
or other student editors.

OK, so that's my story. I
can't think of anything witty
to say. It just pisses me off
thinking about it, and that
was 15 years ago. The bozos
who caused all the shit to go
down and the losers who
crumpled under the combined
pressure are either still
there or writing sports for
one of Cleveland's suburban
dailies. I hope they stay put
until the end of time.
Problem is, they've spent the
past 15 years squishing the
ideals and daring of several
generations of students ...
exactly like the teachers in
the School is Hell series.
Sort of ironic.

So, um, have a nice day.

Jim Youll
<jim@agentzero.com>

The only problem with the
Rutgers story is that the
controversial piece in
question was not really such
a good read. There's nothing
worse than being forced to
defend something that really
doesn't deserve it.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hey,

Do you read your own links?
In the Rutgers story, you
have a link that says (quite
clearly) the offending comic
strip was suspended for two
days and was then returned to
the pages of the paper. Also,
the only person whose pay was
docked was the editor in
chief.

Best, Gen

Both facts were duly noted in
Hit & Run (and to date, the
actual distribution of pay
dockings has not to our
knowledge been settled). Even
if we had gotten these things
wrong, the fact remains that
the spineless editors of our
alma mater's daily paper
would sooner cave than defend
their own editorial
judgments.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Liked it.

The affair reminds me of the
situation around Ms. Britney
Spears' prelegal sexuality.

Makes one wonder: Are either
of these young women being
exploited, as the Christian
Coalition claims, or are they
the ones doing the
exploiting?

Both Ms. Melissa Joan Hart
and Ms. Britney Spears show
signs of blossoming marketing
analysts with a savvy for
what sells and to whom, never
mind the fact that their
blossoming is legally
untouchable, and must, under
law, be concealed.

Thanx,

Tim
<s0crates@gateway.net>

These teen girls exploit
themselves, on screen, for
our pleasure?

Yes, yes! We are very
grateful to them for this.

Blossom of snow, may you
bloom and grow.

Except that Hart is actually
23, a bit long in the tooth
for our rarefied tastes.

Grrrr,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Helping Hands

When I first read your
article on (insert topic here),
I was shocked, then I quickly
became offended. Soon after
that, I was bored. Then I
realized I didn't care one way
or the other and a deep sense
of apathy sunk in. I then
pretended to do my job, sent
emails, and typed functional
specifications completely
half-assed due to my
apathetic state of mind and
soul.

I repeat this every weekday.

Thank you. I couldn't do my
job without Suck.

Russell May
<russmebs@hotmail.com>

Suck: Helping you do your
job, every single day of the
week.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Subject: College Graduation

Dearest Polly,

As a currently disillusioned
and embittered college
student, I was quite excited
to see a Filler chock-full of
hidden truths about life
after higher learning, seeing
as how I'm finding myself
increasingly ready to move
beyond this phase of my life.
These truths, however,
weren't nearly as uplifting
as I had hoped, and after
reading them, I found myself
less inclined to go to class
or make a future for myself,
and more inclined to pack
another b ... b ... batch of
cookies. So, I guess what I'm
saying is, would it be
possible for you to explore
the brighter side of
postcollege life? Maybe about
how easy it is to pay off
student loans?

Suck-cerely,

Raymie Smith
<smith.3023@osu.edu>

Well, you can always keep
drinking.

Don't give up the cookies.
You're gonna need those to
make it through.

Especially when they start
saying, "What do you want, a
cookie?" and you realize
that's exactly what you want.

Or, um, that's exactly what I
want. Cookie.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Why are you letting people in
on the truth? You're going to
destroy the whole education
industry. Once everyone reads
that college is a waste of
fucking time, they're all
going to drop out!

I took the dork route through
college and graduated with a
degree in computer science
last year. Now I'm pulling
close to 50K a year and
laughing all the way to the
student loan corporation.

But I can still look back
with the rest of my fellow
mole people at all the
assholes who wasted their
time in college and are now
discovering the truth you
revealed.

Oh, wait, I forgot. No one
reads Suck. What a relief.
The secret is still safe. Now
I can sleep at night and
dream about the day I won't
have to pay my student loans
back.

Wild Bob Cody, WY

You're right, no one reads
Suck! What freedom that
realization affords!
Suddenly, we feel compelled
to write all about our sex
lives. After all, when a tree
falls in the forest.... Our
mothers were not nice to us a
great deal of the time! God,
it feels so great to admit
that! We're so tired of
telling ourselves stories!

Blissfully irrelevant,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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