for 27 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Subject: Another Popover Dear Polly, Thank you for the knowing references to frogs in children's media. While I enjoy references to other aspects of pop culture, like popular hair styles and failed online magazines, references to the frogs of children's books, songs, and stories are, to me, a particular pleasure. Ah, sweet reminiscence! Where can I get a Frog and Toad poster? Where is my dog-eared copy of Frog and Toad are Friends? What did The Dream really mean? And those delicious popovers. What happened to that record I had of Kermit the Frog retelling The Frog Prince? Is it still in print? I remember the first meeting of Robin the Brave and the fair princess. She dropped her ball down a well, and brave Robin announced he would retrieve it. He dove into the well, lingering there longer than was comfortable for me. Kermit's play-by-play narration only added to the suspense: "He didn't come up! He didn't come up! And finally ... he came up!" My copy had a skip at that point, though, so Kermit kept repeating "He didn't come up! He didn't come up! He didn't come up!" over and over again. I would wait breathlessly for Robin's reemergence, shaking with anxiety, until my older brother took pity on me and advanced the needle. To this day I still cannot bring myself to overcome my fear and retrieve golden balls thrown by princesses into deep wells without a stiff drink. But I do love popovers, and never resist an invitation to have another. For your next knowing reference to frogs in children's media, may I suggest you invoke the prophetic, eponymous frog of Russell Hoban's The Mouse and His Child? As the frog says, "A dog shall rise, a rat shall fall." Bake the hall in the candle of my brain, G. Gooding <knucks98@hotmail.com> It warms my heart to know that someone out there understood the "Have another popover, froggy" reference. When I want someone to keep quiet, I find it's the first thing that comes to my lips. But alas, no one knows what I'm talking about. It's a lonely life. A dog shall rise, a rat shall fall. Too true, too true. Polly  As a recent college dropout, I was shocked and appalled by how unrealistic your article was. There's no way someone fresh out of college can afford an apartment, let alone in the city. If they could, they would last several years in more modest circumstances without having to work at all. Do you remember back when online publishing was called "uploading t-philez"? What I mean is, you're basically on social assistance already. If you accept that university is an enormous, state-funded summer camp and dating service for the middle class, then it's less than surprising that the vast majority of white-collar jobs are state-funded, "welfare plus!" programs. I can't imagine why anyone would get so many favors from the government unless they were dangerous somehow. So what would an "I'm bored mom, entertain me!"-type temper tantrum look like on a vast scale? It would probably look like the 1960s. And no good came of that, except the discovery that middle-class kids need concessions too. And No. 1 on their list of demands is freedom from work. So in the current political climate there is no need to work. You may need to dress up and whine in the right direction to upgrade your handout level, but no matter what, the state will provide enough for you to live above the eyesore level. Demmy Rooster <root@treehouse.dyndns.org> What country are you talking aboot? Hit & Run Sucksters, "(She is, in fact, wearing underpants, boys.)" You used my favorite word in a column! Underpants! Not that I haven't been a Suck fan for months, but this really seals the deal. Underpants! Underpants! Underpants! Not wearing any underpants, Alexandra Sarkozy <asarkozy@ hotmail.com> Hey! We're not wearing underpants either! the Sucksters Subject: Platinum in cars? Whoever, Sulpher, not platinum, is the stuff in catalytic converters that smells like rotten eggs. It's also associated with brimstone in certain contexts you might be familiar with. Go Mavs! Rahm McDaniel <sliderule2000@hotmail.com> Um. Oh! OK. Go suck an egg! the Sucksters Look, there's nothing new about student staffs (and small-brained administrators) kowtowing (is that offensive?) to the demands of noisy but misguided people. As a student editor at a similar newspaper, I nearly lost my position because I ran Matt Groening's Life in Hell cartoons. There was this series, School is Hell, and in one panel, the teacher, having previously been identified repeatedly (about 10 times per strip) as a complete idiot/jerk/loser/ fool/demon, used the word nigger. Well, Groening's office said the strip had run in about 110 papers a year prior (we were backward, but trying to catch up) without a single complaint ... until then. The paper, of course, went out of its way to kiss ass — we're talking full pages of letters-to-the-editor, meetings, and racial sensitivity training (retraining?). There was a lot of support from the literate members of the university community who understood that the strip was condemning racism, not condoning it. Maybe those two words just look too much alike. I dunno. But I don't get the whole idea of trashing someone who's just published a commentary condemning racism just because some readers didn't do the processing necessary to comprehend it. And anyone who had even a vague idea of what Groening was doing at the time (this was pre-Simpsons) would have seen that the man produced anti-idiot, antibigot, antiracist cartoons that also happened to be a hell of a good read. I mean, if you buy into some sort of "turn potential allies into enemies unless we kill them first" ethic, sure, trash the messenger and walk away bloodied but triumphant. But there was no support from administration, paper pushers, bench warmers, or other student editors. OK, so that's my story. I can't think of anything witty to say. It just pisses me off thinking about it, and that was 15 years ago. The bozos who caused all the shit to go down and the losers who crumpled under the combined pressure are either still there or writing sports for one of Cleveland's suburban dailies. I hope they stay put until the end of time. Problem is, they've spent the past 15 years squishing the ideals and daring of several generations of students ... exactly like the teachers in the School is Hell series. Sort of ironic. So, um, have a nice day. Jim Youll <jim@agentzero.com> The only problem with the Rutgers story is that the controversial piece in question was not really such a good read. There's nothing worse than being forced to defend something that really doesn't deserve it. the Sucksters Hey, Do you read your own links? In the Rutgers story, you have a link that says (quite clearly) the offending comic strip was suspended for two days and was then returned to the pages of the paper. Also, the only person whose pay was docked was the editor in chief. Best, Gen Both facts were duly noted in Hit & Run (and to date, the actual distribution of pay dockings has not to our knowledge been settled). Even if we had gotten these things wrong, the fact remains that the spineless editors of our alma mater's daily paper would sooner cave than defend their own editorial judgments. the Sucksters Liked it. The affair reminds me of the situation around Ms. Britney Spears' prelegal sexuality. Makes one wonder: Are either of these young women being exploited, as the Christian Coalition claims, or are they the ones doing the exploiting? Both Ms. Melissa Joan Hart and Ms. Britney Spears show signs of blossoming marketing analysts with a savvy for what sells and to whom, never mind the fact that their blossoming is legally untouchable, and must, under law, be concealed. Thanx, Tim <s0crates@gateway.net> These teen girls exploit themselves, on screen, for our pleasure? Yes, yes! We are very grateful to them for this. Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow. Except that Hart is actually 23, a bit long in the tooth for our rarefied tastes. Grrrr, the Sucksters Helping Hands When I first read your article on (insert topic here), I was shocked, then I quickly became offended. Soon after that, I was bored. Then I realized I didn't care one way or the other and a deep sense of apathy sunk in. I then pretended to do my job, sent emails, and typed functional specifications completely half-assed due to my apathetic state of mind and soul. I repeat this every weekday. Thank you. I couldn't do my job without Suck. Russell May <russmebs@hotmail.com> Suck: Helping you do your job, every single day of the week. Filler Subject: College Graduation Dearest Polly, As a currently disillusioned and embittered college student, I was quite excited to see a Filler chock-full of hidden truths about life after higher learning, seeing as how I'm finding myself increasingly ready to move beyond this phase of my life. These truths, however, weren't nearly as uplifting as I had hoped, and after reading them, I found myself less inclined to go to class or make a future for myself, and more inclined to pack another b ... b ... batch of cookies. So, I guess what I'm saying is, would it be possible for you to explore the brighter side of postcollege life? Maybe about how easy it is to pay off student loans? Suck-cerely, Raymie Smith <smith.3023@osu.edu> Well, you can always keep drinking. Don't give up the cookies. You're gonna need those to make it through. Especially when they start saying, "What do you want, a cookie?" and you realize that's exactly what you want. Or, um, that's exactly what I want. Cookie. Polly Why are you letting people in on the truth? You're going to destroy the whole education industry. Once everyone reads that college is a waste of fucking time, they're all going to drop out! I took the dork route through college and graduated with a degree in computer science last year. Now I'm pulling close to 50K a year and laughing all the way to the student loan corporation. But I can still look back with the rest of my fellow mole people at all the assholes who wasted their time in college and are now discovering the truth you revealed. Oh, wait, I forgot. No one reads Suck. What a relief. The secret is still safe. Now I can sleep at night and dream about the day I won't have to pay my student loans back. Wild Bob Cody, WY You're right, no one reads Suck! What freedom that realization affords! Suddenly, we feel compelled to write all about our sex lives. After all, when a tree falls in the forest.... Our mothers were not nice to us a great deal of the time! God, it feels so great to admit that! We're so tired of telling ourselves stories! Blissfully irrelevant, the Sucksters |
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