The Fish
for 26 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Helping Hands

When I first read your
article on (insert topic here),
I was shocked, then I quickly
became offended. Soon after
that, I was bored. Then I
realized I didn't care one way
or the other and a deep sense
of apathy sunk in. I then
pretended to do my job, sent
emails, and typed functional
specifications completely
half-assed due to my
apathetic state of mind and

I repeat this every weekday.

Thank you. I couldn't do my
job without Suck.

Russell May

Suck: Helping you do your
job, every single day of the
Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: College Graduation

Dearest Polly,

As a currently disillusioned
and embittered college
student, I was quite excited
to see a Filler chock-full of
hidden truths about life
after higher learning, seeing
as how I'm finding myself
increasingly ready to move
beyond this phase of my life.
These truths, however,
weren't nearly as uplifting
as I had hoped, and after
reading them, I found myself
less inclined to go to class
or make a future for myself,
and more inclined to pack
another b ... b ... batch of
cookies. So, I guess what I'm
saying is, would it be
possible for you to explore
the brighter side of
postcollege life? Maybe about
how easy it is to pay off
student loans?


Raymie Smith

Well, you can always keep

Don't give up the cookies.
You're gonna need those to
make it through.

Especially when they start
saying, "What do you want, a
cookie?" and you realize
that's exactly what you want.

Or, um, that's exactly what I
want. Cookie.

Fish With Letter Icon

Why are you letting people in
on the truth? You're going to
destroy the whole education
industry. Once everyone reads
that college is a waste of
fucking time, they're all
going to drop out!

I took the dork route through
college and graduated with a
degree in computer science
last year. Now I'm pulling
close to 50K a year and
laughing all the way to the
student loan corporation.

But I can still look back
with the rest of my fellow
mole people at all the
assholes who wasted their
time in college and are now
discovering the truth you

Oh, wait, I forgot. No one
reads Suck. What a relief.
The secret is still safe. Now
I can sleep at night and
dream about the day I won't
have to pay my student loans

Wild Bob Cody, WY

You're right, no one reads
Suck! What freedom that
realization affords!
Suddenly, we feel compelled
to write all about our sex
lives. After all, when a tree
falls in the forest.... Our
mothers were not nice to us a
great deal of the time! God,
it feels so great to admit
that! We're so tired of
telling ourselves stories!

Blissfully irrelevant,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Good Grief

I agree with the
gist of your article, but
Bettleheim was found to be a
violent abuser of the
children he "treated" in his
infamous Chicago Institute.
He had nonautistic children
committed there so he could
show he "cured" them. He is
famous for a psychoanalytic
version of fairy tales that
your quote was probably in
reference to, but it was
later found that he
plagiarized that book. Though
not a psychologist, he had a
following that believed
autism was caused by the
mother and that the children
should be removed from the
home immediately upon
diagnosis. A prominent
psychologist said at
Bettleheim's death, "He will
not be missed." Maybe you
could do an article on him.


I have nothing to add to this
critique of Bettelheim, and
no reason to defend him —
his theories (if they were in
fact his) are useful mainly
for the degree of power they
seem to grant children. That
is, he seemed to think
children had the emotional
resources to cope with
violence and sadism, albeit
"fairy tale" versions, and
this rather optimistic view
of the human psyche is one of
the few defenses we have
against the PG-13ing of the

And I bet he would have loved
South Park.

Fish With Letter Icon

Touk equals tuque. I live in
the Yukon (Canada — hang
a right at Alaska, and we're
the triangley bit next to
it), which has nothing to do
with your wonderful piece on
cults ... just wanted to
apologize for all Canadians



Oh, Mike,

Would that it were out place
to forgive Canadians. As it
is, we simply pity them.
Being Canadian is its own
kind of penitence.

Fish With Letter Icon

Christ, Ann, you can spell
pabulum. I am in awe.

This sets you apart from
99.44 percent of the
nattering classes (and even
dictionary editors) who think
it's pablum, e.g., Pab-Lum, a
trademark for gruel owned by,
I think, the Gerber baby-food

This makes you smarter than,
say, Andrew Sullivan and
Andrei Codrescu (both of whom
should know Latin, if not
American consumer products),
and puts you in the erudite
league of Alex Cockburn.

Good for you.

Mike Forester

I'm sure the good folks at
Gerber will appreciate the
egregious product placement,
Mike, but let's not confuse
Pab-Lum with Pabstulum, the
lighter beer and mood
enhancer brought to you by
Anheiser-Busch. And surely
we're all familiar with the
diet cola and analgesic, Pab.
And how could anyone forget
Pier One's Pabasan chair,
guaranteed to cuddle you into
infantile bliss. There's a
whole family of pab products
out there, each and every one
of them geared toward
drowning you slowly but
gently, suffocating you in a
nice warm bubble bath.

Fish With Letter Icon

It's difficult to tell, of
course, whether your spelling
of our national hat was a
sly, witty piece of subtlety
or simple ignorance.

My secret copyedit fetish is
temporarily unleashed. But,
this feeds into my automatic
self-doubt generator. I must
ask: Do I look like a chump
if I write in to tell you
it's a tuque, not a touk? As
if playing netiquette police
is somehow transformed from
sheer geek in the chat room
to informant to the stars by
virtue of it being a Suckster
who is corrected?

I dunno. I'm Canadian and
therefore short of wit
(rapierlike or otherwise), a
raft of polysyllabic
invective, and the ability to
get a joke.

Please help me — is it
ever cool to send this kind
of email?

Laurie B. Miller

Ah, the automatic self-doubt
generator. What fuel does
yours run on? Ice? Beer?
Canadian bacon?

And, you know, Laurie, you
don't look like a chump for
writing, you just look, well,

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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