for 19 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Steve-olution
Rumor has it that the real reason Mr. M. objects to Steverino is that Steve failed to hook him up with Ann Jillian. Perhaps Mr. M. can write a song in opposition to Steverino as he laments a past without Ann Jillian. <sales@moxel.com> In fact, Mr. M. — who, like Steverino, often brings tape recorders into the bathroom where he often finds raw material for the 75 (?) projects he works on simultaneously — once wrote an entire opera based on A Man Called Dagger while in a Kalamazoo, Michigan, hotel lobby largely populated by attendees of an Ann Jillian fan convention. Modestly, Mr. M.  Aloha. Your site was recommended by some friends of mine. They have the kinds of personalities that keep people at a quivering five-meter distance. This is convenient on crowded buses. So, these friends told me about Suck. Now, as a typical product of our judgmental and superficial culture, I mentally classified the site as Bizarre, or perhaps even Vulgar, because my friends are weird and obviously must have weird tastes. Then again, I had been lured by such advocations from said friends to Rotten.com and other brutally unpleasant places. Perhaps it would be prudent to mention I only use the term "brutally unpleasant" in very extreme cases, like for Rotten.com, Ricky Martin, and my overbearing grandparents. So you understand my feelings about this matter. Anyway, I kept away from Suck for a number of reasons, until a sudden wave of uncontrollable testosterone fueled me one evening while I was alone studying. With almost fervent madness I logged on to get that which I had been avoiding with disillusioned repulsion. Under the circumstances that brought me to you, I must say I was quite disappointed. Seriously, though, I am impressed with your site. I can't say I've been there often, but it's got lots of pretty pictures, and nobody appreciates lots of pretty pictures like the average illiterate American. Just thought I'd express my interest in your work, guys. Nice job. It's definitely new stuff for me. Robert Fillingham <magicfrogX@hotmail.com> It may be new for you, Robert, but that doesn't mean you won't develop your skills and learn to love it. Just focus and stay patient with yourself, and eventually you'll be plowing through everything from bad greeting cards to warning labels. Remember, reading is fundamental! Sucksters Y'know, somebody on the Thomas Pynchon mailing list (pynchon-l@waste.org) just started muttering about how Yet Another Fucking List of Putatively "Important" Books has floated to the surface, this one being from Amazon.com. This Pynchon-lister said "blah blah woof woof" about it, which is cool. Still, he's kinda irked that William Gaddis didn't make the list, but nobody really cares about authors I haven't read, and I haven't read Gaddis, so who cares? I got to thinking, you know, like, those moronic lists really suck, and Suck should do one. It would suck. You suck, I suck, he/she/it sucks, S. J. Perelman didn't suck, but he's dead, Zoltan Magnifico Typhoon <zoltan_magnifico_typhoon@yahoo.com> Nice conjugation skills! Starting with Thomas Pynchon might not be the best move, though. Have you considered getting on a Judy Blume or Sweet Valley High mailing list for starters? We do care about the books you haven't read. We really do care, so keep on reading! Reading is fun. And mental. And fundamental. Woohoo! Sucksters Caveat Expert Well, being the techno-boring guy that I am, I'd like to point out that hypertext markup language was actually invented so as to more or less obviate traditional citation by linking directly to the primary source or citation. To wit, citation is the whole point of HTML, current abuses notwithstanding. NATO <hyperman@gte.net> I do agree with you. However, have you seen the MLA's recommendations on citing hypertext documents or including hyperlinked citation on a page? If anything, hypertext was a goner from the word go. There's too much brand-name recognition invested in a visible citation list for academics to willingly do the logical thing and create a contextual web of knowledge. Best, Vixel Pixen Steve-olution Hey, anyone who puts out as much as Steve Allen outputs has got to produce a little garbage once in a while. And besides, we don't know if he even wrote the article about TV content, or just sold his name. Of course, he's always been the liberal's liberal, since 1964 when he wrote his smarmy "Open Letter to a Conservative" in opposition to the Goldwater campaign. But look, any guy who thinks he can speak for Napoleon, Julius Caesar, and Marie Antoinette just shouldn't be taken seriously anyway. Still, I enjoyed your article. Bob Benz <robert.f.benz@worldnet.att.net> Hey, I talk to Julius Caesar all the time — he was the original inspiration for A Man Called Dagger, BTW. But, BB, you got it all wrong. It isn't that prolific Steve — the same man who once wrote a symphony orchestra while bear-hunting with Teddy Roosevelt in a Kalamazoo, Michigan, bed and breakfast — occasionally puts out crapola. It's that prolific Steve—the same man who once nominated his wife's sister, Jayne "Alice Kramden" Meadows, for membership in the Raccoon Lodge while writing six songs simultaneously (one by each toe on his left foot) — only puts out crap. He's throwing the curve on Sturgeon's Law, by which 90 percent of everything is crap. Mr. M. Wow ... a shocker. When I saw the title, I thought reflexively, "Steve Forbes," because that is exactly the kind of crap he's been up to lately. I nearly jumped out of my seat when I discovered that it was Steve Allen. As I recall, this is the same Steve Allen who wrote a book called Dumbth, the gist of which was his trust in the Viewing Public to determine Right from Wrong. I guess he had a change of heart, natch. Christopher Driskell <casaubon@ compuex.com> It's one thing to trust the public to know right from wrong when they still remember who you are. It's another thing to trust them when they can't remember whether Steve Allen is the man who once wrote personal theme songs for 25,000 migrant workers at a Kalamazoo, Michigan, Black Mass or if he is the same man who played Benny Goodman in the Knute Rockne Story. In either case, it's clear that the public be damned. Mr. M. |
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