for 14 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit and Run A shout out from the UK: "Knickers" are for ladies. Longtime reader, first time writer — since '96! Thank you for existing. Andrew E. Zeldis <yacub@yahoo.com> Not anymore they ain't! Cross-dressingly, the Sucksters  Hey Sucksters, There is platinum in your car, in the catalytic converter. That's the thing that's supposed to reduce pollution and smells like rotten eggs sometimes. Enjoy, Alex Sheppard <alexjsheppard@yahoo.com> That must be how the state of California gets away with its unconscionable emissions-reduction levy on all out-of-state cars. Out here, they seem to make the whole exhaust system out of platinum. the Sucksters Who gives a fuck about who sells jewelry to the stars? Next time you post a pointless, uninteresting article like this, you should put a "who gives a fuck?-o-meter" next to it so you can accurately judge this very important data. Please, try harder not to print total crap like this. Henry Koren <henry@epiccycle.com> We put our "who gives a fuck?-o-meter" next to your letter. Guess what it told us? the Sucksters You mentioned in today's (30 September 1999) daily rant that Suck.com was banned by a netwatcher program for explicit language. That reminds me of something that my dad mentioned a couple years ago when the programs first started appearing. He was on some committee in the United Methodist Church at the time, and the members were a bit perplexed that most of the netwatcher programs denied children access to anything on their sites: unitedMETHodist.com, etc. All this for a few letters in the middle of a word.... Programs like that really annoy me on general principle, but they can at least be funny sometimes. Keep up with the hilarious columns on Suck.com. Benjamin Johnson <bcjohnson@rocketmail.com> And keep getting those Methodists to read Suck. We don't promote Wesleyan doctrines of free grace and individual responsibility for our health, you know. the Sucksters You guys ROCK! Fuck Salon, Fuck SurfWatch. Keep it up! (That's probably still not dirty enough, though, is it?) Randy Fordice <randall@forum21.com> We're not sure what's dirty enough or if there's some kind of quota we have to fill. But thanks for doing your part. the Sucksters Filler Hooray, hooray! The return of the Suck dot chart. Oh where have you been, my dearest love; absent for so many years? I can only hope you are the first of many, blossoming like morning daisies in this triumphant summer day of my life. I see clearly once more, as the dots of wonder have returned focus to my once-weary eyes. Ben Mazur <bmazur@sev.org> Glad to have transformed your previously unfocused lonely life and clarified your vision. We're still unfocused and lonely. Wait — that's a chart! Unfocused and lonely: Sex in the City, drunk frat boys. Focused and lonely: Match.com.... The x-y charts make your life better in direct proportion to how much they make our lives worse. the Sucksters Polly, Today's Filler made me have to lay my head down on my desk and bury my face in my arms to stifle my laughter. And I haven't even made it past the first paragraph yet. Just last night, I was wondering if my intensity of emotion toward things that really have no importance whatsoever in the grand scheme of things — especially in relation to my almost total inability to get worked up over actual life-altering circumstances — might be a sign that my wiring's a little faulty. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm going to finish reading Filler now. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. Jean Cousins Your email made me feel truly fulfilled and touched — I cried piteously for several hours and scheduled an extra visit with my therapist this week. You are not alone! We have each other! We have a bond that can only be broken by time and distance and the fact that we've never met. Polly I like your cartoon. I think, though, that jealousy will get you nowhere and you'd change places in a second. Now I have to watch the Badgers play and drink my beer in my white T-shirt and wish I had enough money for a big screen. Toby Cook <Tobstr@webtv.net> I'm jealous of whom? I have beer and white T-shirts. I wish I had enough money for a big screen. We have so much in common, we're practically related. Polly Polly, I was flipping through back issues of Filler and want to applaud you for so vividly describing your friend Steve. I feel as if I know him ... or is it that, drawn as I am to the pathetically intellectual, I have dated those like him way too often? However, I can see that, underneath your utter contempt, you have a soft spot for him and perhaps hope for his personal development. Nah, but there may be something there worth dating. I feel as though I meet most of the criteria for dating Steve. I may not be that smart, but I am a smart-ass, and that should be enough for a loser like him anyway. I do live in Seattle, but I'm thinking of moving soon. That means, if I really don't like him, I won't have the awkwardness of bumping into him and having to pretend that I "still care for him as a friend." My interests are as eclectic as the next coffee-swilling, Gortex-swathed egoist in this town. I have lived here for a while (i.e., way too long), and know the place really well. So I can probably negotiate my way through the alleyways of Capitol Hill (where I'm guessing he lives) without getting lost. More important, I am an amusing, sarcastic, bitter professional who can make him laugh and show him a good time, even if he doesn't deserve it (and he probably doesn't). The question is, Why would I put myself out for an obvious loser like Steve? Like I said above, I am drawn to his type like a moth to a flame. (Pray for me — my mother does nightly.) There is usually a very intense physical relationship that lasts a few months, and then I get bored and it all ends very quickly and, usually, painlessly. (So, don't count on it lasting too long, Steve, cause I sure don't.) Email me if you are interested. If nothing else, this has been amusing. [Name Withheld to Protect the Lover of Obvious Losers] Thank you for your interest in dating my friend Steve. Steve is like a bug light that zaps moths like yourself until they're stunned and confused into going back for more. Your complimentary "Date My Friend Steve" custard pie is in the mail. Polly |
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