The Fish
for 14 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Hit and Run

A shout out from the UK:
"Knickers" are for ladies.

Longtime reader, first time
writer — since '96! Thank
you for existing.

Andrew E. Zeldis

Not anymore they ain't!


the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Hey Sucksters,

There is platinum in your
car, in the catalytic
converter. That's the thing
that's supposed to reduce
pollution and smells like
rotten eggs sometimes.


Alex Sheppard

That must be how the state of
California gets away with its
emissions-reduction levy on
all out-of-state cars. Out
here, they seem to make the
whole exhaust system out of

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Who gives a fuck about who
sells jewelry to the stars?

Next time you post a
pointless, uninteresting
article like this, you should
put a "who gives a
fuck?-o-meter" next to it so
you can accurately judge this
very important data.

Please, try harder not to
print total crap like this.

Henry Koren

We put our "who gives a
fuck?-o-meter" next to your
letter. Guess what it told

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

You mentioned in today's (30
September 1999) daily rant
that was banned by a
netwatcher program for
explicit language. That
reminds me of something that
my dad mentioned a couple
years ago when the programs
first started appearing. He
was on some committee in the
United Methodist Church at
the time, and the members
were a bit perplexed that
most of the netwatcher
programs denied children
access to anything on their
etc. All this for a few
letters in the middle of a
word.... Programs like that
really annoy me on general
principle, but they can at
least be funny sometimes.
Keep up with the hilarious
columns on

Benjamin Johnson

And keep getting those
Methodists to read Suck. We
don't promote Wesleyan
doctrines of free grace and
individual responsibility for
our health, you know.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

You guys ROCK!

Fuck Salon, Fuck SurfWatch.
Keep it up!

(That's probably still not
dirty enough, though, is it?)

Randy Fordice

We're not sure what's dirty
enough or if there's some
kind of quota we have to
fill. But thanks for doing
your part.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon


Hooray, hooray! The return of
the Suck dot chart. Oh where
have you been, my dearest
love; absent for so many
years? I can only hope you
are the first of many,
blossoming like morning
daisies in this triumphant
summer day of my life. I see
clearly once more, as the
dots of wonder have returned
focus to my once-weary eyes.

Ben Mazur

Glad to have transformed your
previously unfocused lonely
life and clarified your

We're still unfocused and
lonely. Wait — that's a
chart! Unfocused and lonely:
Sex in the City, drunk frat
boys. Focused and lonely:

The x-y charts make your life
better in direct proportion
to how much they make our
lives worse.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon


Today's Filler made me have
to lay my head down on my
desk and bury my face in my
arms to stifle my laughter.
And I haven't even made it
past the first paragraph yet.
Just last night, I was
wondering if my intensity of
emotion toward things that
really have no importance
whatsoever in the grand
scheme of things —
especially in relation to my
almost total inability to get
worked up over actual
life-altering circumstances
— might be a sign that my
wiring's a little faulty.
It's nice to know I'm not

I'm going to finish reading
Filler now.

Thanks for the laugh. I
needed it.

Jean Cousins

Your email made me feel truly
fulfilled and touched — I
cried piteously for several
hours and scheduled an extra
visit with my therapist this
week. You are not alone! We
have each other! We have a
bond that can only be broken
by time and distance and the
fact that we've never met.

Fish With Letter Icon

I like your cartoon. I think,
though, that jealousy will
get you nowhere and you'd
change places in a second.
Now I have to watch the
Badgers play and drink my
beer in my white T-shirt and
wish I had enough money for a
big screen.

Toby Cook

I'm jealous of whom?

I have beer and white
T-shirts. I wish I had enough
money for a big screen.

We have so much in common,
we're practically related.

Fish With Letter Icon


I was flipping through back
issues of Filler and want to
applaud you for so vividly
describing your friend Steve.
I feel as if I know him ...
or is it that, drawn as I am
to the pathetically
intellectual, I have dated
those like him way too often?
However, I can see that,
underneath your utter
contempt, you have a soft
spot for him and perhaps hope
for his personal development.
Nah, but there may be
something there worth dating.

I feel as though I meet most
of the criteria for dating
Steve. I may not be that
smart, but I am a smart-ass,
and that should be enough for
a loser like him anyway. I do
live in Seattle, but I'm
thinking of moving soon. That
means, if I really don't like
him, I won't have the
awkwardness of bumping into
him and having to pretend
that I "still care for him as
a friend."

My interests are as eclectic
as the next coffee-swilling,
Gortex-swathed egoist in this
town. I have lived here for a
while (i.e., way too long),
and know the place really
well. So I can probably
negotiate my way through the
alleyways of Capitol Hill
(where I'm guessing he lives)
without getting lost. More
important, I am an amusing,
sarcastic, bitter
professional who can make him
laugh and show him a good
time, even if he doesn't
deserve it (and he probably

The question is, Why would I
put myself out for an obvious
loser like Steve? Like I said
above, I am drawn to his type
like a moth to a flame. (Pray
for me — my mother does
nightly.) There is usually a
very intense physical
relationship that lasts a few
months, and then I get bored
and it all ends very quickly
and, usually, painlessly.
(So, don't count on it
lasting too long, Steve,
cause I sure don't.)

Email me if you are
interested. If nothing else,
this has been amusing.

[Name Withheld to Protect the
Lover of Obvious Losers]

Thank you for your interest
in dating my friend Steve.
Steve is like a bug light
that zaps moths like yourself
until they're stunned and
confused into going back for
more. Your complimentary
"Date My Friend Steve"
custard pie is in the mail.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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