The Fish
for 12 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Canadian Mail: The Fun Never

I read Suck relatively
frequently and, quite
honestly, enjoy it (the
shame!). Paradoxically, I
also happen to be a proud

The thing is this: Canadians
in general have no problem
with Americans making fun of
them. The Simpsons do it all
the time, and I'm laughing as
loud as the next guy. South
does it with the trash-
can kid and the Baldwin
bombers, and again it's quite
funny ... well, as funny as
that genre of humor can be.
Getting picked on by
Americans is sort of like the
members of NATO being called
Nazis in Yugoslavia: It's so
ridiculously inane and the
product of a very warped mind
that it's funny. There's no
way we can take the insult
seriously. I remember walking
down the street as a lad and
having someone yell "Honkey!"
out a car window at my
paper-white facade. Oooh! I
was DEVASTATED! Not that
anyone should be emotionally
upset over any racial slurs,
as it's obvious that the
vomit-mouth spewing is just a
rather sad specimen of
Darwin's laws being defied by
modern medicine. But being
called a honkey in a
overwhelmingly white town
struck me as interesting.

The problem is when
the "some Canadian guy gave
my wife some lovin' and now
my little made-in-the-
USA-schlong can't please her"
sort of fellow comes on,
wallowing in his own
crapulence (credit: M. Burns),
and goes on some
self-righteous tirade about
those damn, pathetic
Canadians. It's such a bitter
act of a vulnerable person
that it truly is saddening,
and I'm sure these people are
right there in the Springer
audience ready to do the seal
clap at the proper minute.
Give 'em $50, and they'll go
running onstage, arms a-
flailing. This same
observation also applies to
some of the Suck alumni who
have one single subject for
many of their stories: Slamming
Canadians. Who cares about
what or why or if it is just
so drawn out and forced it
isn't even remotely funny.
Just slam 'em and hope the
hit meter spins, while they
come to get a kick at yet
another American defining the
human experience from their
Infamilyfornicate, Kentucky.
Most of us just hit back and
move on. The scene is
worse than a Sally Struthers
telethon (she is asking for
money to feed herself,
right?) or looking at a dead
animal on the side of the
road: Our eyes turn

So in conclusion, the whole
anti-Canadian thing is old. I
work with Americans, I am
friends with Americans, and
none of them display the sort
of gross ignorance that is
doled out on Suck regularly,
so I can at least feel
comfortable that it's just
the sad fringe element that
takes humor in bashing those
friends North of the border.
(For those doing the math:
Yes, I have 230 million
American friends.)

Dennis W. Forbes

Well, Suck doesn't actually
bash Canadians; we just
provide a forum for others to
debate this fascinating topic
at length. That's right,
Dennis. Without you, there is
no road kill. Thank you for
fueling the flames of a long

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Ever noticed how every time
you guys take a shot at the
syrup chuggers up above you
get moronic responses
claiming that all of us
Americans only know
stereotypes about Canucks and
that they don't all live in
igloos, don't all guzzle beer
by the keg, and don't all
play hockey, etc., etc. And
that if we would just quit
watching Springer, quit
eating at Mickey D's, and
stop driving our pickups with
the gun racks maybe we would
be more knowledgeable and
enlightened about the other
cultures of the world. Come
to think of it, I'm not sure
they would even qualify.
Here's to mocking your ugly

Bradley Messmer

Don't go thinking Canadians
are uglier than Americans.
Celine Dion's just one person
in a country of well over
1,500 people.

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

I gotta say: People tell
me all the time I am
really smart. It was
getting so bad that I was
starting to believe them.
This, of course, was causing
my already large ego to
inflate dangerously.

Thankfully, I have been
reading Suck faithfully for
several years now, and you
folks always manage to make
me feel like an ignorant,
undereducated knob. I've even
written a few carefully
worded letters, and I usually
receive a reply that puts me
in my place.

You have probably saved me
(from what I'm not quite

Anyways, thanks for the
verbal spankings and the
often rancid cynicism! Keep
it up!

A friend,

Jim Van Meggelen

We could've told you that
you're not smart years ago.
Takes one to know one.

Ignorant knobs,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Get Yer Ya-Yas Out

enjoyd suck essay on bennett,
but as a ragin' pagan, do
have some little problems
w/applying certain elements
of our hallowed nomenklatur,
such as "coven" to worthless
right wing extremists/immoral
fungoids like bennett and his
ilk. and no, didn't miss the

still n' all, thought u might
want to remember, a small
addition to yr general
knowledge base an old law of
the euro-ancients: a bard of
the higher order, a Truth
Sayer [a judge and prophet,
whose word was law, who saw
far, and of whom Caesar
himself was in mortal fear],
if you will, caught using
satire [a right and patent of
the honorable domain of the
lesser order of bards] was
never permitted to prophesy

why'd i recount that ... i
luv satire. just came up.
anyway, here's hopin in times
of constant Constitutional
erosion such as these, i hope
you use all the tools in your
considerable talent toolset
to expose these no-good
dominator paradigmers and all
their thoughtless, funless
Big Lies.

also, could u pleez find a
way to pack more terminal
position alphabeticals in
your fontographically stylin
nom de guerre?

may the greedoid naysayers
and the rabid ignoramus
gayslayers all the neo nazi bombers
and their crypto rightwing racist
sponsors the unpartiful, unartiful,
thoroughly unoriginal unswingers
the utterly boring and the left-brain
bereft and all those fitfully
so-obsessed with
the half-life of guilt-instead-of-

may they all soon, and quite
communally find themselves to
a man maroony
where the hell-on-earth they promoted
is just precisely the real estate
The Keepers of The Afterlife devoted

and may they find themselves stuck
all the hereafter on a nuclear waste
and deserted and desert island
all lava rocky and convoluted
in a superficial galaxy far, far away
where no sentence is commuted
and there is nevah evah no conjugal
visitin'-type day

and they're without a single
raft there, or any other
means of literal escape from
the interminal undiluted
politically fillibustered and
demagoguically extruded
hateful n' hot hot hot air
that was, after all, their
principal stock in trade;

so may it be exactly the hell
and brimstone they believe in
and may it be long eons til'
they're perceivin any window
of emergence into that
into which we shall all
happily enter just as soon as
they have raptured into the
hellish bad hereafter that
their original perversion of
the Life Force doth dictate.

[nope, it's clear i ain't no
bard, and i'm reeeeally clear
i got no bardic pretensions,
and dammit, i hate rhyme.but
thought u might get a grin
from a quasi retro invocation
that just rolled right off my
keyboard since I was so mad I
couldn't sleep.]

happi spellin, good samhain
keep up the important work
thnxs 4 adding laughter 2 da


Dear Jakwitch,

Yeah, sure. But tell us, is
Sabrina really nice in
person, or is that all just
an act?

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

As a white, Protestant male
raised in the South, I
realize that I represent
possibly the only geo-ethnic
group of people that it is
still OK to make fun of.
Whatever; that's fine. I take
no real umbrage at Suck's
insouciant and sometimes
harsh characterizations of
the South.

What I don't understand is
why everyone seems to see
Mississippi (see your article
today) as the nexus of all
Southern backwardness. It
should be, in my estimation,
Arkansas and, to a lesser
extent, Alabama. Western
Virginia is in a class by
itself, and Eastern Tennessee
is pretty bizarre as well.

Maybe Mississippi jokes just
play better ... all those


Last time we checked, the
supply of Dago, Mick, Hebe,
et al. jokes was running
pretty high — in fact,
the joke factory is so
overstocked, people are
giving 'em away for free! And
you are of course correct
that Arkansas, Alabama, West
Virginia, Tennessee — not
to mention the rest of the
United States and its
worthless possessions —
are filled with comic

So why Mississippi? Sure,
part of it is alphabetical
— that "pp" is fall-down
funny. But two words explain
a lot of it: Trent Lott.

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon


I think you should
incorporate the Web site I
made for my ex-boss (A-hole)
into a daily Suck. You could
do some sort of story about
how the Internet allows
people to get revenge on evil
jerks. Check it out here:



Dear Bipple,

As a responsible news
organization that enjoys the
full protection of the First
— and more important
— Second amendments, we
refuse to use this liberating
technology merely to mock
people and settle personal
disputes. Most of the time.


Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

I read the entire article and
it made sense. There is just
one thing I had a question

"... Mississippi — a
state that's generally
considered to be among the
most demonically possessed
places in the contiguous
United States ..." Does that
mean there are parts of our
country that are outside "the
contiguous United States"
that are more possessed than
Mississippi (say Hawaii,
Alaska, or even Puerto Rico)?
It makes you wonder why
people want to take vacations
in those places.


Get yer head on straight,
buddy boy. If you've been
reading Suck carefully, you
should be wondering why
people take vacations at all.

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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