The Fish
for 11 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Get Yer Ya-Yas Out

enjoyd suck essay on bennett,
but as a ragin' pagan, do
have some little problems
w/applying certain elements
of our hallowed nomenklatur,
such as "coven" to worthless
right wing extremists/immoral
fungoids like bennett and his
ilk. and no, didn't miss the
irony.

still n' all, thought u might
want to remember, a small
addition to yr general
knowledge base an old law of
the euro-ancients: a bard of
the higher order, a Truth
Sayer [a judge and prophet,
whose word was law, who saw
far, and of whom Caesar
himself was in mortal fear],
if you will, caught using
satire [a right and patent of
the honorable domain of the
lesser order of bards] was
never permitted to prophesy
again.

why'd i recount that ... i
luv satire. just came up.
anyway, here's hopin in times
of constant Constitutional
erosion such as these, i hope
you use all the tools in your
considerable talent toolset
to expose these no-good
dominator paradigmers and all
their thoughtless, funless
Big Lies.

also, could u pleez find a
way to pack more terminal
position alphabeticals in
your fontographically stylin
nom de guerre?

may the greedoid naysayers
and the rabid ignoramus
gayslayers all the neo nazi bombers
and their crypto rightwing racist
sponsors the unpartiful, unartiful,
thoroughly unoriginal unswingers
the utterly boring and the left-brain
bereft and all those fitfully
so-obsessed with
the half-life of guilt-instead-of-
happy-multi-luvi-sex:

may they all soon, and quite
communally find themselves to
a man maroony
where the hell-on-earth they promoted
is just precisely the real estate
The Keepers of The Afterlife devoted

and may they find themselves stuck
all the hereafter on a nuclear waste
polluted
and deserted and desert island
all lava rocky and convoluted
in a superficial galaxy far, far away
where no sentence is commuted
and there is nevah evah no conjugal
visitin'-type day

and they're without a single
raft there, or any other
means of literal escape from
the interminal undiluted
politically fillibustered and
demagoguically extruded
hateful n' hot hot hot air
that was, after all, their
principal stock in trade;

so may it be exactly the hell
and brimstone they believe in
and may it be long eons til'
they're perceivin any window
of emergence into that
harmonic-style-convergeance
into which we shall all
happily enter just as soon as
they have raptured into the
hellish bad hereafter that
their original perversion of
the Life Force doth dictate.

[nope, it's clear i ain't no
bard, and i'm reeeeally clear
i got no bardic pretensions,
and dammit, i hate rhyme.but
thought u might get a grin
from a quasi retro invocation
that just rolled right off my
keyboard since I was so mad I
couldn't sleep.]

happi spellin, good samhain
keep up the important work
thnxs 4 adding laughter 2 da
mix.

jakwitch
<devgreen@earthlink.net>

Dear Jakwitch,

Yeah, sure. But tell us, is
Sabrina really nice in
person, or is that all just
an act?

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


As a white, Protestant male
raised in the South, I
realize that I represent
possibly the only geo-ethnic
group of people that it is
still OK to make fun of.
Whatever; that's fine. I take
no real umbrage at Suck's
insouciant and sometimes
harsh characterizations of
the South.

What I don't understand is
why everyone seems to see
Mississippi (see your article
today) as the nexus of all
Southern backwardness. It
should be, in my estimation,
Arkansas and, to a lesser
extent, Alabama. Western
Virginia is in a class by
itself, and Eastern Tennessee
is pretty bizarre as well.

Maybe Mississippi jokes just
play better ... all those
"s"s.

WDJIV
<wdjiv@yahoo.com>

Last time we checked, the
supply of Dago, Mick, Hebe,
et al. jokes was running
pretty high — in fact,
the joke factory is so
overstocked, people are
giving 'em away for free! And
you are of course correct
that Arkansas, Alabama, West
Virginia, Tennessee — not
to mention the rest of the
United States and its
worthless possessions —
are filled with comic
possibilities.

So why Mississippi? Sure,
part of it is alphabetical
— that "pp" is fall-down
funny. But two words explain
a lot of it: Trent Lott.

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hi,

I think you should
incorporate the Web site I
made for my ex-boss (A-hole)
into a daily Suck. You could
do some sort of story about
how the Internet allows
people to get revenge on evil
jerks. Check it out here:
bobdevine.homepage.com.

Thanks,

Bipple
<bipple@hotbot.com>

Dear Bipple,

As a responsible news
organization that enjoys the
full protection of the First
— and more important
— Second amendments, we
refuse to use this liberating
technology merely to mock
people and settle personal
disputes. Most of the time.

Professionally,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I read the entire article and
it made sense. There is just
one thing I had a question
about.

"... Mississippi — a
state that's generally
considered to be among the
most demonically possessed
places in the contiguous
United States ..." Does that
mean there are parts of our
country that are outside "the
contiguous United States"
that are more possessed than
Mississippi (say Hawaii,
Alaska, or even Puerto Rico)?
It makes you wonder why
people want to take vacations
in those places.

<mquinn@ ece.vill.edu>

Get yer head on straight,
buddy boy. If you've been
reading Suck carefully, you
should be wondering why
people take vacations at all.

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Well done BarTel! We all knew
this would be coming quickly,
a defense of the brand of
bottomless irony practiced at
Suck. But then it's not all
irony there at Suck, contrary
to public opinion, and
Purdy's book is not all
anti-irony, if you're to be
believed. That was a fair and
interesting interview.

Tom Castle
<Tom@asizip.com>

But public opinion is what
matters. It's not like we
consciously asked to become
the Blue Meanies of irony,
but we've accepted our
responsibility — unlike
Purdy, who is uniquely
positioned to become the
Hillary the Boob of sincerity
but insists on not being
typecast.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I believe the "it's turtles
all the way down" story comes
to us originally from
Bertrand Russell rather than
Stephen Hawking, although the
latter may be getting
cosmological insights from
his own "old lady."

And BarTel d'Arcy, while he
does, indeed, appear in
Ulysses, figures more
prominently in Joyce's short
story "The Dead." Mr. D'Arcy
is a tenor, and his plaintive
rendition of "The Lass of
Aughrim" evokes overpowering
memories in Gretta Conroy. It
is a remarkable, irony-free
passage, one I am sure
Habbakuk Purdy would enjoy.

Reynolds Atkins
<ratkins@loralorion.com>

But it's in Ulysses that we
learn the crucial facts that
Bartell [actual spelling]
d'Arcy has a waxed-up
moustache and imagines
himself to be some kind of
lothario, character details
that the great Frank
Patterson ran with when he
portrayed the singer in John
Huston's movie The Dead.
Sadly, Patterson now does
ghastly duets with the dead,
co-starring the wax-cylinder
voice of John McCormack. It's
so ironic!

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Because you sent it
to me on consecutive days,
I'll rip him on consecutive,
etc.

It is beyond funny to read an
interview debating what type
of intellectual a person
might be, when the alleged
"intellectual" in question
— Mr. Purdy — has
appeared in a
point/counterpoint in a
magazine (Slate) that he
has never read.

Nothing could more firmly
establish that, when Mr.
Purdy's time is up, he will
be conducted (despite
protestations in this life)
to the pantheonic "pundit
grid" mentioned during your
interview. McLaughlin,
Donaldson, and Roberts will
be his companions in
eternity, not Perkins,
Parker, and McCluhan.

Hmmm ... What did they say at
Exeter about this? Or is
there a road-kill joke I can
insert here to appear folksy?

Best wishes,

Richard Piedmonte
<humanmeal@earthlink.net>

The real oddity is that the
author claims he doesn't want
to join the pundit grid.
That's simply perverse. Who
wouldn't want to get paid for
shouting a set of talking
points on television?

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Literacy?

Is this for real? Whew! I
just stumbled into this by
accident after going to the
fourth level of the pulldown
list of Favorites in Win98.

No wonder it is being said by
more and more citizens in our
country, USA, that we are in
a state of moral decline,
physically, intellectually,
and religiously!

Shame on you folks, whatever
your rationale may be for
putting that kind of junk on
the Net!

Anthony Correia
<acorreia@earthlink.net>

We're only on the fourth
level of the Favorites list?
Thanks for the heads up!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


La Cage Match Aux Folles

I can forgive clichés
("permanent hammerlock on pop
culture," "wrest the
championship belt from those
box-office titans") so bad
that they smack of TV Guide
headline tags. I can forgive
puns ("Tae Boasters,"
"GLAADiators") so bad that I
hearken back to Winona
Ryder's internal monologs
in Heathers. These bespeak
lazy writing, but not
necessarily an ignorance of
the subject at hand. However,
any beer-swilling, trailer-
park-dwelling wrestling fan
would have taken exception
with your twice referring to
WCW as "the WCW." World
Championship Wrestling should
not have been preceded by the
article "the," unless of course
you were using it in a
faux-naive David
Letterman-esque manner (e.g.,
"Say, kids, do you like the
rock-and-roll?"). And I doubt
you were, since you also
referred to the World
Wrestling Federation as the
"World Wrestling Foundation,"
which sounds like some odd
charity.

<not_kornheiser@hotmail.com>

Your critique would have been
stronger had you condemned
what you forgive and forgiven
what you condemn. But thanks
for the close read.

And nice email address.

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


After a hard day
philosophizing, René
Descartes is in his favorite
boîte drinking brandy
and discussing the weather.
The bartender asks him if
he'd like another drink. He
says, "I think, not." He
disappears.

I can only exist if you
believe in me.

Alan Kornheiser
<askornheiser@prodigy.net>

We believe in you! We believe
in love! We believe in Santa
Claus! We believe in magic!

Gullible,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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