The Fish
for 5 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



IPO'd

Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks for those revelations!

<Mopopop@ aol.com>

My pleasure. I figure if I
can amortize my painful
experience over as many
people as possible, then,
heck, I didn't lose out on a
bunch of money: We all lost
out on just a little bit.

Right? Right, damn it?

An Entirely Other Greg
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hello. Great article on the
dark side of IPOs! Can you
tell me who the company was,
please?

Thanks!

Tom Bagnell
<tabagnell@email.msn.com>

Oh, come on! That would take
the fun out of it. Consider
it a game: Who can find the
source of that rotting smell
first?

An Entirely Other Greg
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Nice column, although painful
to read. It sounds like you
were moving in parallel to
our company, which postponed
its offering during the
bottom of the market in
August. The night we were
scheduled to price, there
were 17 other issues. We'd
cut our offering size and
price, and it was still
looking bad. In a
conversation with a banker
that night, I likened it to
the lights going on in a bar
at 3 a.m.; even if you could
hook up in that desperate
moment, you'd definitely
regret it in the morning.

<gallen@ echonyc.com>

Heck, I wish my company had
been in the bar instead of
standing outside on the
street corner in fish-nets
and stiletto heels. "You
wanna date?" it said as I
walked by. "Twenty bucks. No,
wait, ten. OK, eight. All
right, five-and-a-quarter."

An Entirely Other Greg
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Welcome to the real world.
Despite exuberant news
stories, hard work and long
hours don't always pay off.
It's not just the world of
IPOs. Check out the failure
rate of restaurants or really
any small business that
doesn't have a .com. For
every winner there are many
losers.

Or did I miss your point?

KBD JXNO
<kbdjxno@hotmail.com>

No, no, that was pretty much
my point. But I had to pad it
out to 1,200 words in order
to get paid.

An Entirely Other Greg
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Domain Name Prejudice

Subject: Any trouble
accessing Suck through a
firewall?

I'm wondering if you've ever
had people tell you they
could not access www.suck.com
with their corporate Internet
access because a firewall or
monitoring software
interpreted the word suck as
derogatory? If so, is there
some type of rating code you
can put into your HTML or
something that tells the
firewall the page is OK? I'm
asking because I make the Web
site at www.stoner.com, which
sports a "derogatory" URL
because Stoner is the last
name of our founder. Recently
some of our clients have
complained they can't access
the site because their
firewalls are picking up on
the word stoner.

If you have any suggestions
or similar experiences
regarding this matter, please
let me know. Thanks for your
time!

Kim Hampson Marketing
Communications Specialist
Stoner Associates
http://www.stoner.com
<kim.hampson@stoner.com>

Dude, you don't even know.
Similar? You bet. I mean,
holy shit. Really green,
green ... The Kind. Say no
more. One skunky whiff and,
like, one hit, dude, and
you're, like, history. Takes,
like, two seconds, your chest
says, like, "Say goodbye to
reality, little man!"

That's a firewall rating of
10, baby! Like, fire it up
already, dude!


Kid Schlock

Hi Mr. Mxyzptlk,
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Though I don't really have
the ambition to launch into
an epic description of
exactly why I enjoy and
appreciated your article in
today's Suck and the general
quality of observation and
writing that goes into what
appears on Suck's pages, I
would like to thank you and
the other writers there for
applying your wits, powers of
cool observation, and
tendency for keen clarity to
current issues and publishing
the results. I personally
have a low tolerance for
crappy journalism, and
although I'm sure that a lot
of things are taken to be big
jokes over there, I recognize
that you folks are doing your
best to stay sharp and
present well-thought-out
opinions in a responsible
way, and I appreciate that
very much. Thanks.

Hope you're having a nice
day.

Ryan
<ryan@n ombas.com>

Dear Ryan,

Well, I was having a nice day
until you lumped me in with
the jaw-dropping,
knuckle-scraping,
mono-eye-browed jack-offs who
collectively form the Web
site known as Suck.com. And
then things only got worse
when you attacked crappy
journalism, as if I don't
know an insult when I see
one. Fuck the cool
observation and keen clarity,
you, you, you, you —
jerk. How many digs do you
expect me to take before
kicking your ass? As Sarge
said memorably in a Beetle
Bailey
cartoon: @!#%&!!&. To
which I add: @#***(%$!).

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Mr. Mxyzptlk,

How true ...

The baby boomers have a lot
of nerve being shocked by
their children's antics. They
shocked their parents in the
'60s, and with the numbing of
America through TV violence,
etc., it takes a lot to shock
nowadays.... It used to be
girls were pushing the limits
of decent society by wearing
pants. In the '90s, you're
not even turning heads until
your bra and panties are all
you've got on. Boys in
T-shirts were considered real
hell raisers in the late '50s
and early '60s. Now they've
got some Salvation Army pants
that are at least two times
their actual waist size and
three shirts. No wonder they
have to shoot each other; can
you imagine being in a fist
fight in those pants?

It's the broad generaliz-
ations that make me
laugh. Born in '67, I am an
"old" Gen-Xer. That sounds
funny, but I guess it's true.
Either way, these kids aren't
that crazy — hell, I did
way more drugs in high school
than most of these kids today
can even name. I'm not
bragging, it's the truth. And
I'm not very proud of it,
either. Still, I vote, I'm
married, I own a house, I
have a kid (by the woman I'm
married to, and the kid isn't
the reason we're married
— so there), and I still
find time to read Suck on a
more-or-less daily basis.

Nathan Kensinger sounds like
a real cocksucker, and some
self-respecting twenty-
something should kick
his ass — or at least
find a way to publicly
humiliate him.

Your conclusion is correct:
The current crop of kids is
no worse — and may even
be better — than their
predecessors. As for the next
set of kids — the
echo-boomers, I think they're
called — who knows? Old
folks will call them worse,
while forcing us all into
servitude to pay for their
damned Social Security. You
want Social Security? Start
having kids.

While I'm ranting, Suck could
always use another Filler
about how everybody wants to
pimp out the kids for
personal gain. Politicians
started it; now everybody's
doing it. I even saw some
kids in California who were
pimping out the kids for gun
control. Here's a pair of
brothers that haven't even
hit puberty yet, and they're
out there calling for gun
control to protect the lives
of kids. Puh-lease. Their
liberal zealot parents are
pimping them out, while they
pile it on and pimp
themselves out some more.
Chances are, the parents are
whores too.... Not that I'm
against protecting kids (you
see, that's where they get
you). The new cigarette taxes
pay for health care for poor
kids, so if you quit smoking,
you are denying a poor kid
health care. You're screwed
either way.

Keep up the good work.

<TomG@ csrinc.com>

I must admit that, having
just read your letter, I've
already forgotten everything
in it except the last line
(and trust me, I will keep up
the good work). You see, I
did even more drugs than you
did as a kid (hmmm, memory's
starting to return). As for
pimping the kids, when is the
government finally going to
do something about getting
poor kids free smokes? I've
calculated that supplying
every underage smoker from
households with incomes of
less than $20,000 (in Joe
Camel dollars) would cost
less than the price of the
free peanuts program for the
B-1 bomber fleet. But nobody
cares.

Let me end with two of Mark
Twain's (not his real name)
lines about his father: "He
was a cold son of a bitch,
especially in summer in San
Francisco" and "I was amazed
at what an old man he became
as he grew older."

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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