The Fish
for 4 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Domain Name Prejudice

Subject: Any trouble
accessing Suck through a

I'm wondering if you've ever
had people tell you they
could not access
with their corporate Internet
access because a firewall or
monitoring software
interpreted the word suck as
derogatory? If so, is there
some type of rating code you
can put into your HTML or
something that tells the
firewall the page is OK? I'm
asking because I make the Web
site at, which
sports a "derogatory" URL
because Stoner is the last
name of our founder. Recently
some of our clients have
complained they can't access
the site because their
firewalls are picking up on
the word stoner.

If you have any suggestions
or similar experiences
regarding this matter, please
let me know. Thanks for your

Kim Hampson Marketing
Communications Specialist
Stoner Associates

Dude, you don't even know.
Similar? You bet. I mean,
holy shit. Really green,
green ... The Kind. Say no
more. One skunky whiff and,
like, one hit, dude, and
you're, like, history. Takes,
like, two seconds, your chest
says, like, "Say goodbye to
reality, little man!"

That's a firewall rating of
10, baby! Like, fire it up
already, dude!

Kid Schlock

Hi Mr. Mxyzptlk,
Fish With Letter Icon

Though I don't really have
the ambition to launch into
an epic description of
exactly why I enjoy and
appreciated your article in
today's Suck and the general
quality of observation and
writing that goes into what
appears on Suck's pages, I
would like to thank you and
the other writers there for
applying your wits, powers of
cool observation, and
tendency for keen clarity to
current issues and publishing
the results. I personally
have a low tolerance for
crappy journalism, and
although I'm sure that a lot
of things are taken to be big
jokes over there, I recognize
that you folks are doing your
best to stay sharp and
present well-thought-out
opinions in a responsible
way, and I appreciate that
very much. Thanks.

Hope you're having a nice


Dear Ryan,

Well, I was having a nice day
until you lumped me in with
the jaw-dropping,
mono-eye-browed jack-offs who
collectively form the Web
site known as And
then things only got worse
when you attacked crappy
journalism, as if I don't
know an insult when I see
one. Fuck the cool
observation and keen clarity,
you, you, you, you —
jerk. How many digs do you
expect me to take before
kicking your ass? As Sarge
said memorably in a Beetle
cartoon: @!#%&!!&. To
which I add: @#***(%$!).

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. Mxyzptlk,

How true ...

The baby boomers have a lot
of nerve being shocked by
their children's antics. They
shocked their parents in the
'60s, and with the numbing of
America through TV violence,
etc., it takes a lot to shock
nowadays.... It used to be
girls were pushing the limits
of decent society by wearing
pants. In the '90s, you're
not even turning heads until
your bra and panties are all
you've got on. Boys in
T-shirts were considered real
hell raisers in the late '50s
and early '60s. Now they've
got some Salvation Army pants
that are at least two times
their actual waist size and
three shirts. No wonder they
have to shoot each other; can
you imagine being in a fist
fight in those pants?

It's the broad generaliz-
ations that make me
laugh. Born in '67, I am an
"old" Gen-Xer. That sounds
funny, but I guess it's true.
Either way, these kids aren't
that crazy — hell, I did
way more drugs in high school
than most of these kids today
can even name. I'm not
bragging, it's the truth. And
I'm not very proud of it,
either. Still, I vote, I'm
married, I own a house, I
have a kid (by the woman I'm
married to, and the kid isn't
the reason we're married
— so there), and I still
find time to read Suck on a
more-or-less daily basis.

Nathan Kensinger sounds like
a real cocksucker, and some
self-respecting twenty-
something should kick
his ass — or at least
find a way to publicly
humiliate him.

Your conclusion is correct:
The current crop of kids is
no worse — and may even
be better — than their
predecessors. As for the next
set of kids — the
echo-boomers, I think they're
called — who knows? Old
folks will call them worse,
while forcing us all into
servitude to pay for their
damned Social Security. You
want Social Security? Start
having kids.

While I'm ranting, Suck could
always use another Filler
about how everybody wants to
pimp out the kids for
personal gain. Politicians
started it; now everybody's
doing it. I even saw some
kids in California who were
pimping out the kids for gun
control. Here's a pair of
brothers that haven't even
hit puberty yet, and they're
out there calling for gun
control to protect the lives
of kids. Puh-lease. Their
liberal zealot parents are
pimping them out, while they
pile it on and pimp
themselves out some more.
Chances are, the parents are
whores too.... Not that I'm
against protecting kids (you
see, that's where they get
you). The new cigarette taxes
pay for health care for poor
kids, so if you quit smoking,
you are denying a poor kid
health care. You're screwed
either way.

Keep up the good work.


I must admit that, having
just read your letter, I've
already forgotten everything
in it except the last line
(and trust me, I will keep up
the good work). You see, I
did even more drugs than you
did as a kid (hmmm, memory's
starting to return). As for
pimping the kids, when is the
government finally going to
do something about getting
poor kids free smokes? I've
calculated that supplying
every underage smoker from
households with incomes of
less than $20,000 (in Joe
Camel dollars) would cost
less than the price of the
free peanuts program for the
B-1 bomber fleet. But nobody

Let me end with two of Mark
Twain's (not his real name)
lines about his father: "He
was a cold son of a bitch,
especially in summer in San
Francisco" and "I was amazed
at what an old man he became
as he grew older."

Mr. M
Fish With Letter Icon

Land Yacht Fiesta

Subject: THANK YOU

Nothing makes me puke like
some asshole scumbag driving
a SUV down 696, all the while
talking on his cell
phone/smacking his
wife/ignoring his kids;
spewing out thick, choking
smoke; cutting off my poor
little '86 Omni on his way to
veer off the road because he
can't control that much metal
(since he's not a fucking
trucker/freight train driver);
and killing a busload of
orphan charity workers. Some
people tell me I'm jealous. I
say no, I'm OK with my cock
size and social status. We
need to pack every single one
of those nature-killing,
ego-puffing, road-rage
inflaming pieces of
automotive fraud (Ever see
one of these big, tough tanks
in an accident? It's like a
football player with a broken
knee.) and their owners —
from the ghetto drug dealer
to the psuedo–Martha
Stewart exurban moms to that
suited-up VP who practically
crushed me this
morning — into a giant
fucking car smasher, let
their running blood fertilize
our forests, and use the
remains of those future rust
bins to build houses for the
poor. While we're at it,
let's not forget to empty
their gas tanks and make
America self-reliant again
for its petroleum needs. I'm
quite certain any resource
crises we've experienced
since the debut of the
Cherokee can be readily
explained by that event.

A SUV to drive your kids to
soccer practice? Christ, do
you fuck your wife with a
telephone pole? Do you
discipline your dog with a
shotgun? I'm fucking moving
to Guatamala. Sure, it's poor
and squalid, but at least
there I could be free from
the cancerous gimme-gimme
culture of depraved excess
and disregard that surrounds
me now.

Have a nice day.

And thank you.

Vytautas Malesh

But what do you really think?
Let it out! Remember,
bottling up your feelings
like that can cause bleeding
ulcers — and the last
thing you want while driving
is a churning gullet of
repressed rage and digestive
juices. So relax. Turn up the
Kenny G. Think of his hair.
There, now isn't that better?

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Very Large Ford

Thank you for the Ford SUV
story. But you forgot two
people: the recent college
female blonde who doesn't
have the mental capacity to
drive a vehicle that large
and who insists on making
Miata-style U-turns that
block traffic for weeks, and
the soccer mom who takes up
four spaces at the grocery
store and takes every lane
possible when she pulls out
into traffic.

Don't get me wrong. I'd get
one if I could afford one,
but hell, I'd go get a
truckload of hookers and fuck
my brains out while driving
to Vegas.

Nate Stinson

Thanks for the note. It's
always a pleasure to hear
from nice young men with
stunningly positive attitudes
towards women.

Kisses to mom!

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Reality: overrated

I'm not sure which is scarier
— that there really is a
Ford Excursion or that there
really is an S&M supper club.

Alan S. Kornheiser

Which is scarier? The supper
club, of course! Just think
of it — all those
steaming hot beverages —
and not a cup holder in

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Latest Suck: Hummer
vs. Humvee

Hey Suckhead,

Loved your last column except
for one glaring error. A
Humvee is a vehicle. A hummer
is a blow job.

Mark J. Benedyk, PhD

Hi there, Dr. B!

Thanks for taking note of
Suck's campaign against
Humvee misappropriation.
You'll find, over at, that they're
still servin' up deliciously
man-sized, stick-to-your-ribs
servings of humble pie!

And on the way there, please
don't forget to pick up a
copy of our page-turner of a
dissertation, Fellatio
Euphemisms: The New Variety
in Post-Freudian,
Pre-Millennial Ca-ca Talk,

available from Suck Books.

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

Little link
to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes