for 1 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Land Yacht Fiesta Subject: THANK YOU Nothing makes me puke like some asshole scumbag driving a SUV down 696, all the while talking on his cell phone/smacking his wife/ignoring his kids; spewing out thick, choking smoke; cutting off my poor little '86 Omni on his way to veer off the road because he can't control that much metal (since he's not a fucking trucker/freight train driver); and killing a busload of orphan charity workers. Some people tell me I'm jealous. I say no, I'm OK with my cock size and social status. We need to pack every single one of those nature-killing, ego-puffing, road-rage inflaming pieces of automotive fraud (Ever see one of these big, tough tanks in an accident? It's like a football player with a broken knee.) and their owners — from the ghetto drug dealer to the psuedo–Martha Stewart exurban moms to that suited-up VP who practically crushed me this morning — into a giant fucking car smasher, let their running blood fertilize our forests, and use the remains of those future rust bins to build houses for the poor. While we're at it, let's not forget to empty their gas tanks and make America self-reliant again for its petroleum needs. I'm quite certain any resource crises we've experienced since the debut of the Cherokee can be readily explained by that event. A SUV to drive your kids to soccer practice? Christ, do you fuck your wife with a telephone pole? Do you discipline your dog with a shotgun? I'm fucking moving to Guatamala. Sure, it's poor and squalid, but at least there I could be free from the cancerous gimme-gimme culture of depraved excess and disregard that surrounds me now. Have a nice day. And thank you. Vytautas Malesh <vytautas.malesh@fanucrobotics.com> But what do you really think? Let it out! Remember, bottling up your feelings like that can cause bleeding ulcers — and the last thing you want while driving is a churning gullet of repressed rage and digestive juices. So relax. Turn up the Kenny G. Think of his hair. There, now isn't that better? John Wooden  Subject: Very Large Ford Thank you for the Ford SUV story. But you forgot two people: the recent college female blonde who doesn't have the mental capacity to drive a vehicle that large and who insists on making Miata-style U-turns that block traffic for weeks, and the soccer mom who takes up four spaces at the grocery store and takes every lane possible when she pulls out into traffic. Don't get me wrong. I'd get one if I could afford one, but hell, I'd go get a truckload of hookers and fuck my brains out while driving to Vegas. Nate Stinson <ns@mcmann-tate.com> Thanks for the note. It's always a pleasure to hear from nice young men with stunningly positive attitudes towards women. Kisses to mom! John Wooden Subject: Reality: overrated I'm not sure which is scarier — that there really is a Ford Excursion or that there really is an S&M supper club. Alan S. Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> Which is scarier? The supper club, of course! Just think of it — all those steaming hot beverages — and not a cup holder in sight! John Wooden Subject: Latest Suck: Hummer vs. Humvee Hey Suckhead, Loved your last column except for one glaring error. A Humvee is a vehicle. A hummer is a blow job. Mark J. Benedyk, PhD <mbenedyk@ yahoo.com> Hi there, Dr. B! Thanks for taking note of Suck's campaign against Humvee misappropriation. You'll find, over at hummer.com, that they're still servin' up deliciously man-sized, stick-to-your-ribs servings of humble pie! And on the way there, please don't forget to pick up a copy of our page-turner of a dissertation, Fellatio Euphemisms: The New Variety in Post-Freudian, Pre-Millennial Ca-ca Talk, available from Suck Books. John Wooden Hit & Run I really enjoyed the interview with the bear man. The entire time I was reading it, I was imagining his voice was like one of those guys from Strange Brew. The guy is a nut, and I hope that he makes it just to spite the rest of the bitter Canadians who only read Suck out of a perverse sense of sadomasochism. John Fracisco <John.Fracisco@trw.com> Using your powers of imagination can really be fun, can't it? Please don't insult those sadomasochistic Canadians. On most days they seem to make up about 45 percent of our readership. Go Canucks! Kissing the hand that feeds, Sucksters Dudley and DOoRight, (a clatter of correction where there should be) The film board, I think, is not awash in cash, but since the film is doing well ... there is some obligation to smell appropriately when climbing the ladder of success to reach the asses much better than thine. Or, as one might think ... home sweet home ... and perhaps Mr. Hurtubise does deserve a slice. Innovation in human endeavor is a special activity, and without it the world might possibly still be a near- pristine, ecologically celestial bauble, but we can so we do ... and his exploits have been exploited. He is in hardship. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to hurtle a handful of astronauts into deep space for a considerable length of time. Hormone-induced hibernation? Could this be, like, for decades? There goes my attention span for the project. But best regards for championing ... and noting the puck-nabbers who live amongst us. Being busy and still stopping in to visit, Bill Loren <lorenb@islandnet.com> Yeah, who wants to engage in any project that takes longer than two years to see results? I mean, you can keep yourself motivated by imagining those USA Today headlines for only so long. Still imagining, Sucksters Subject: You Morons! Regarding this tiresome drivel: "... Troy Hurtubise is a conservationist, mountain man, bear behavior expert, and tireless inventor of ..." Did you ever wonder who gives a shit?! You losers don't scrounge hard enough to find pointless shit to fill your page. <klee@indy.net> Thursday, 30 September 1999 TO DO: 1. Scrounge harder to find pointless shit to fill page. 2. Nap. 3. Pick butt. Slamming Canadians in the Fish, Sucksters Subject: Making fun of Canada??? Jean Cousins — now there is a name that most certainly comes from that Rhodes Scholar community of Buttcrack, Mississippi. Or, she might have sucked a little dick in Posthole, Kentucky where it is still legal to marry your daughter as long as she is over 14 years old. She thinks Canada is a joke. Well, she should take a long, hard look at her own pathetic country. I certainly have to laugh at someone who makes fun of someone's accent when all you have to do is look at all the y'alls from down South or the BAW HAWBAA twang from the New England states. Most of these uneducated trailer-park whores cannot speak properly even when they have a new pair of false teeth in their heads. Of course, it is easy for someone who has never had her cranium out of her rectum for more than a few minutes to scarf down a meal at the Golden Arches. She has probably experienced her best dining experiences at McDonald's or KFC and wouldn't know a good meal if it grabbed her around her cellulite-laden face. Look around in your own country, you stupid bitch, and you will find that the good old USA has more violent prisoners per capita than any other country on earth. More child molesters, rapists, gun-carrying uneducated morons, thieves, and unemployed lazy slobs who are so fat they are slowing down the movement of the earth. If you want to see cellulite and lard asses, the United States (the all-you-can-eat buffet for hogs) is the place to go. She thinks the United States is not the brunt of most jokes? Too bad Jean could not find her own state on a map, let alone know what is going on in the world. Her favorite educational shows are The Jerry Springer Show and that fat overpaid excuse for common sense The Hefty Oprah Winfrey Show. Of course, we could talk all day about their government and the Billy Clinton and the Oral Office Show. Now there is a joke that just keeps going and going and going. What other place on earth can you go to and take the most powerful government offical and let him get his weenie sucked by some overweight, brainless moron; let him shoot a load all over the stars and stripes; and then spend $150 million trying to cover it all up? Why, the US of A, of course. The only country in the world where it takes a president less than an hour to completely pull the wool over the entire population's eyes. Not too hard a job when most of the dolts cannot read or write in the first place. Here you have a country that is running out of fresh water, most of their natural resources are gone, and they still consider themselves superior to all other countries even though they are listed as No. 9 in the world for education and mathematics. In 1998, they gave a grade-8 test to teachers in Massachusetts and, believe this or not, but 85 percent of the teachers failed. Does this tell you anything about the educational system in your frail little country, Jean? How about all those school shootings, the murder of little Jon Benet Ramsey, and the complete failure of the police to bring anyone to justice for it? The Unabomber ... now there is a person who has swallowed some water from the wrong end of the gene pool. How about your Air Force pilot who cut off that Italian cable and killed all those people? Now there is a person who really needs some help from a certified brain expert. The only thing the United States has going for it is that it has a warm climate. Unfortunately, most of the people who live there are total incompetents and should all be moved to South America where they can teach each other to read little books and stare at each others' fat bodies. The United States of America ... now there is a real joke. Of course, their flag is a very suitable icon since 46 percent of their population lives in stripes and this population is growing rapidly. The USSR dropped to its knees and the United States is not far behind. I cannot wait until the thirsty assholes come crawling over our border to get a drink of water and we can piss on them. Hahahahahahaha. I can't wait for these lazy fat slobs to start killing each other over water ... it won't be long now. Hahahahahahaha JEANNE
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