The Fish
for 1 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Land Yacht Fiesta

Subject: THANK YOU

Nothing makes me puke like
some asshole scumbag driving
a SUV down 696, all the while
talking on his cell
phone/smacking his
wife/ignoring his kids;
spewing out thick, choking
smoke; cutting off my poor
little '86 Omni on his way to
veer off the road because he
can't control that much metal
(since he's not a fucking
trucker/freight train driver);
and killing a busload of
orphan charity workers. Some
people tell me I'm jealous. I
say no, I'm OK with my cock
size and social status. We
need to pack every single one
of those nature-killing,
ego-puffing, road-rage
inflaming pieces of
automotive fraud (Ever see
one of these big, tough tanks
in an accident? It's like a
football player with a broken
knee.) and their owners —
from the ghetto drug dealer
to the psuedo–Martha
Stewart exurban moms to that
suited-up VP who practically
crushed me this
morning — into a giant
fucking car smasher, let
their running blood fertilize
our forests, and use the
remains of those future rust
bins to build houses for the
poor. While we're at it,
let's not forget to empty
their gas tanks and make
America self-reliant again
for its petroleum needs. I'm
quite certain any resource
crises we've experienced
since the debut of the
Cherokee can be readily
explained by that event.

A SUV to drive your kids to
soccer practice? Christ, do
you fuck your wife with a
telephone pole? Do you
discipline your dog with a
shotgun? I'm fucking moving
to Guatamala. Sure, it's poor
and squalid, but at least
there I could be free from
the cancerous gimme-gimme
culture of depraved excess
and disregard that surrounds
me now.

Have a nice day.

And thank you.

Vytautas Malesh

But what do you really think?
Let it out! Remember,
bottling up your feelings
like that can cause bleeding
ulcers — and the last
thing you want while driving
is a churning gullet of
repressed rage and digestive
juices. So relax. Turn up the
Kenny G. Think of his hair.
There, now isn't that better?

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Very Large Ford

Thank you for the Ford SUV
story. But you forgot two
people: the recent college
female blonde who doesn't
have the mental capacity to
drive a vehicle that large
and who insists on making
Miata-style U-turns that
block traffic for weeks, and
the soccer mom who takes up
four spaces at the grocery
store and takes every lane
possible when she pulls out
into traffic.

Don't get me wrong. I'd get
one if I could afford one,
but hell, I'd go get a
truckload of hookers and fuck
my brains out while driving
to Vegas.

Nate Stinson

Thanks for the note. It's
always a pleasure to hear
from nice young men with
stunningly positive attitudes
towards women.

Kisses to mom!

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Reality: overrated

I'm not sure which is scarier
— that there really is a
Ford Excursion or that there
really is an S&M supper club.

Alan S. Kornheiser

Which is scarier? The supper
club, of course! Just think
of it — all those
steaming hot beverages —
and not a cup holder in

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Latest Suck: Hummer
vs. Humvee

Hey Suckhead,

Loved your last column except
for one glaring error. A
Humvee is a vehicle. A hummer
is a blow job.

Mark J. Benedyk, PhD

Hi there, Dr. B!

Thanks for taking note of
Suck's campaign against
Humvee misappropriation.
You'll find, over at, that they're
still servin' up deliciously
man-sized, stick-to-your-ribs
servings of humble pie!

And on the way there, please
don't forget to pick up a
copy of our page-turner of a
dissertation, Fellatio
Euphemisms: The New Variety
in Post-Freudian,
Pre-Millennial Ca-ca Talk,

available from Suck Books.

John Wooden
Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

I really enjoyed the
interview with the bear man.
The entire time I was reading
it, I was imagining his voice
was like one of those guys
from Strange Brew. The guy is
a nut, and I hope that he
makes it just to spite the
rest of the bitter Canadians
who only read Suck out of a
perverse sense of

John Fracisco

Using your powers of
imagination can really be
fun, can't it?

Please don't insult those
sadomasochistic Canadians.
On most days they seem to
make up about 45 percent of
our readership.

Go Canucks!

Kissing the hand that feeds,

Fish With Letter Icon

Dudley and DOoRight,

(a clatter of correction
where there should be)

The film board, I think, is not
awash in cash, but since the
film is doing well ... there
is some obligation to smell
appropriately when climbing
the ladder of success to
reach the asses much better
than thine. Or, as one might
think ... home sweet home
... and perhaps Mr. Hurtubise
does deserve a slice.

Innovation in human endeavor
is a special activity, and
without it the world might
possibly still be a near-
pristine, ecologically celestial
bauble, but we can so we do
... and his exploits have
been exploited. He is in

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to
hurtle a handful of
astronauts into deep space
for a considerable length of

Hormone-induced hibernation?
Could this be, like, for
decades? There goes my
attention span for the

But best regards for
championing ... and noting
the puck-nabbers who live
amongst us.

Being busy and still stopping
in to visit,

Bill Loren

Yeah, who wants to engage in
any project that takes longer
than two years to see
results? I mean, you can keep
yourself motivated by
imagining those USA Today
headlines for only so long.

Still imagining,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You Morons!

Regarding this tiresome

"... Troy Hurtubise is a
conservationist, mountain
man, bear behavior expert,
and tireless inventor of ..."

Did you ever wonder who gives
a shit

You losers don't scrounge
hard enough to find pointless
shit to fill your page.


Thursday, 30 September 1999


1. Scrounge harder to find
pointless shit to fill page.
2. Nap.
3. Pick butt.

Slamming Canadians in the

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Making fun of

Jean Cousins — now there
is a name that most certainly
comes from that Rhodes
Scholar community of
Buttcrack, Mississippi. Or,
she might have sucked a
little dick in Posthole,
Kentucky where it is still
legal to marry your daughter
as long as she is over 14
years old.

She thinks Canada is a joke.
Well, she should take a long,
hard look at her own pathetic
country. I certainly have to
laugh at someone who makes
fun of someone's accent when
all you have to do is look at
all the y'alls from down
South or the BAW HAWBAA twang
from the New England states.
Most of these uneducated
trailer-park whores cannot
speak properly even when they
have a new pair of false
teeth in their heads.

Of course, it is easy for
someone who has never had
her cranium out of her
rectum for more than a few
minutes to scarf down a meal
at the Golden Arches. She has
probably experienced her best
dining experiences at
McDonald's or KFC and
wouldn't know a good meal if
it grabbed her around her
cellulite-laden face. Look
around in your own country,
you stupid bitch, and you
will find that the good old
USA has more violent
prisoners per capita than any
other country on earth. More
child molesters, rapists,
gun-carrying uneducated
morons, thieves, and
unemployed lazy slobs who are
so fat they are slowing down
the movement of the earth. If
you want to see cellulite and
lard asses, the United States
(the all-you-can-eat buffet
for hogs) is the place to go.

She thinks the United States
is not the brunt of most
jokes? Too bad Jean could not
find her own state on a map,
let alone know what is going
on in the world. Her favorite
educational shows are The
Jerry Springer Show
and that
fat overpaid excuse for
common sense The Hefty Oprah
Winfrey Show.
Of course, we
could talk all day about
their government and the
Billy Clinton and the Oral
Office Show. Now there is a
joke that just keeps going
and going and going. What
other place on earth can you
go to and take the most
powerful government offical
and let him get his weenie
sucked by some overweight,
brainless moron; let him
shoot a load all over the
stars and stripes; and then
spend $150 million trying to
cover it all up? Why, the
US of A, of course. The
only country in the world
where it takes a president
less than an hour to
completely pull the wool over
the entire population's eyes.
Not too hard a job when most
of the dolts cannot read or
write in the first place.

Here you have a country that
is running out of fresh
water, most of their natural
resources are gone, and they
still consider themselves
superior to all other
countries even though they
are listed as No. 9 in the
world for education and
mathematics. In 1998, they
gave a grade-8 test to
teachers in Massachusetts
and, believe this or not, but
85 percent of the teachers
failed. Does this tell you
anything about the
educational system in your
frail little country, Jean?
How about all those school
shootings, the murder of
little Jon Benet Ramsey, and
the complete failure of the
police to bring anyone to
justice for it? The Unabomber
... now there is a person who
has swallowed some water from
the wrong end of the gene
pool. How about your Air
Force pilot who cut off that
Italian cable and killed all
those people? Now there is a
person who really needs some
help from a certified brain
expert. The only thing the
United States has going for
it is that it has a warm
climate. Unfortunately, most
of the people who live there
are total incompetents and
should all be moved to South
America where they can teach
each other to read little
books and stare at each
others' fat bodies.

The United States of America
... now there is a real joke.
Of course, their flag is a
very suitable icon since 46
percent of their population
lives in stripes and this
population is growing
rapidly. The USSR dropped to
its knees and the United
States is not far behind. I
cannot wait until the thirsty
assholes come crawling over
our border to get a drink of
water and we can piss on
them. Hahahahahahaha. I can't
wait for these lazy fat slobs
to start killing each other
over water ... it won't be
long now.



Thank you for putting in so
much effort to make our Fish
page a more informative and
entertaining place. You've
certainly shed a lot of light
on the differences between
Americans and Canadians! Our
dedication to enlightening
the populace as to those
differences continues to grow
— well, as fast as it
can, given the fact that
Springer's on twice a day.

We do feel that you should
continue to explore your
negative feelings about the
overweight. Those emotions
are clearly causing you a lot
of pain, and the more you
know about your anger, the
more chances you'll have to

Feeling very, very thirsty
and hoping we can trade our
computers for a drink of
water from a charitable
Canuck when push comes to


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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