for 30 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Hit & Run I really enjoyed the interview with the bear man. The entire time I was reading it, I was imagining his voice was like one of those guys from Strange Brew. The guy is a nut, and I hope that he makes it just to spite the rest of the bitter Canadians who only read Suck out of a perverse sense of sadomasochism. John Fracisco <John.Fracisco@trw.com> Using your powers of imagination can really be fun, can't it? Please don't insult those sadomasochistic Canadians. On most days they seem to make up about 45 percent of our readership. Go Canucks! Kissing the hand that feeds, Sucksters  Dudley and DOoRight, (a clatter of correction where there should be) The film board, I think, is not awash in cash, but since the film is doing well ... there is some obligation to smell appropriately when climbing the ladder of success to reach the asses much better than thine. Or, as one might think ... home sweet home ... and perhaps Mr. Hurtubise does deserve a slice. Innovation in human endeavor is a special activity, and without it the world might possibly still be a near- pristine, ecologically celestial bauble, but we can so we do ... and his exploits have been exploited. He is in hardship. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to hurtle a handful of astronauts into deep space for a considerable length of time. Hormone-induced hibernation? Could this be, like, for decades? There goes my attention span for the project. But best regards for championing ... and noting the puck-nabbers who live amongst us. Being busy and still stopping in to visit, Bill Loren <lorenb@islandnet.com> Yeah, who wants to engage in any project that takes longer than two years to see results? I mean, you can keep yourself motivated by imagining those USA Today headlines for only so long. Still imagining, Sucksters Subject: You Morons! Regarding this tiresome drivel: "... Troy Hurtubise is a conservationist, mountain man, bear behavior expert, and tireless inventor of ..." Did you ever wonder who gives a shit?! You losers don't scrounge hard enough to find pointless shit to fill your page. <klee@indy.net> Thursday, 30 September 1999 TO DO: 1. Scrounge harder to find pointless shit to fill page. 2. Nap. 3. Pick butt. Slamming Canadians in the Fish, Sucksters Subject: Making fun of Canada??? Jean Cousins — now there is a name that most certainly comes from that Rhodes Scholar community of Buttcrack, Mississippi. Or, she might have sucked a little dick in Posthole, Kentucky where it is still legal to marry your daughter as long as she is over 14 years old. She thinks Canada is a joke. Well, she should take a long, hard look at her own pathetic country. I certainly have to laugh at someone who makes fun of someone's accent when all you have to do is look at all the y'alls from down South or the BAW HAWBAA twang from the New England states. Most of these uneducated trailer-park whores cannot speak properly even when they have a new pair of false teeth in their heads. Of course, it is easy for someone who has never had her cranium out of her rectum for more than a few minutes to scarf down a meal at the Golden Arches. She has probably experienced her best dining experiences at McDonald's or KFC and wouldn't know a good meal if it grabbed her around her cellulite-laden face. Look around in your own country, you stupid bitch, and you will find that the good old USA has more violent prisoners per capita than any other country on earth. More child molesters, rapists, gun-carrying uneducated morons, thieves, and unemployed lazy slobs who are so fat they are slowing down the movement of the earth. If you want to see cellulite and lard asses, the United States (the all-you-can-eat buffet for hogs) is the place to go. She thinks the United States is not the brunt of most jokes? Too bad Jean could not find her own state on a map, let alone know what is going on in the world. Her favorite educational shows are The Jerry Springer Show and that fat overpaid excuse for common sense The Hefty Oprah Winfrey Show. Of course, we could talk all day about their government and the Billy Clinton and the Oral Office Show. Now there is a joke that just keeps going and going and going. What other place on earth can you go to and take the most powerful government offical and let him get his weenie sucked by some overweight, brainless moron; let him shoot a load all over the stars and stripes; and then spend $150 million trying to cover it all up? Why, the US of A, of course. The only country in the world where it takes a president less than an hour to completely pull the wool over the entire population's eyes. Not too hard a job when most of the dolts cannot read or write in the first place. Here you have a country that is running out of fresh water, most of their natural resources are gone, and they still consider themselves superior to all other countries even though they are listed as No. 9 in the world for education and mathematics. In 1998, they gave a grade-8 test to teachers in Massachusetts and, believe this or not, but 85 percent of the teachers failed. Does this tell you anything about the educational system in your frail little country, Jean? How about all those school shootings, the murder of little Jon Benet Ramsey, and the complete failure of the police to bring anyone to justice for it? The Unabomber ... now there is a person who has swallowed some water from the wrong end of the gene pool. How about your Air Force pilot who cut off that Italian cable and killed all those people? Now there is a person who really needs some help from a certified brain expert. The only thing the United States has going for it is that it has a warm climate. Unfortunately, most of the people who live there are total incompetents and should all be moved to South America where they can teach each other to read little books and stare at each others' fat bodies. The United States of America ... now there is a real joke. Of course, their flag is a very suitable icon since 46 percent of their population lives in stripes and this population is growing rapidly. The USSR dropped to its knees and the United States is not far behind. I cannot wait until the thirsty assholes come crawling over our border to get a drink of water and we can piss on them. Hahahahahahaha. I can't wait for these lazy fat slobs to start killing each other over water ... it won't be long now. Hahahahahahaha JEANNE
Reverso Converso I read with slight interest your latest commentary concerning questionable "biographies" (actually, the proper term is "autobiographies" when one is writing of one's own life). Considering the reality that truth and fiction seem to be morphing into one blurry entity, the real question is, when haven't autobiographers fudged a bit? Those who trumpet their own glory are seldom prone to expose parts of their lives that would somewhat tarnish their self-images to that of a lesser (read: "ordinary") person. Besides all that, people tend to be fallible whenever memory is concerned. If five different witnesses to an accident scene can have five different descriptions of the event, then why do we somehow expect those who write about their own lives to have indelible and photographic memories? Get real! Just because we live in an information age, we should not expect that the quantity of that information does not have an inverse relationship to its quality. The false sense of betrayal we have felt concerning those who include personal agendas within their life stories is just that: false. If we are to count holes in others' stories, then we will have to begin with the very first time that an influential person put chisel to stone in order to tell of his accomplishments. There is, after all, a certain luxury that comes from cynicism, and we need to tap into it before we keep fooling ourselves that what people say about themselves is the God's honest truth. Cynthia Bage <cbage2000@earthlink.net> Jerzy's rule No. 1: If you gotta chisel your own stone, you're not influential. That said, I'm sure you're right. There are degrees of deception, but few of us can resist the urge to doctor the script in retrospect. The greater sins, I think, occur when partisans of the author conveniently accept what we all know to be exaggerations, then (a) pitch a fit when somebody doubts their veracity and (b) adopt the fallback position, once somebody disproves their veracity, that we all knew that all along, silly. But without people like that, we'd be without many of our most entertaining religions. Jerzy Contemplate a photo of Chris Hitchens from, say, 1985, and then a photo of Hitchens today. Let's face it: Not even his myriad Clinton bashing, score-settling appearances on US television during 1998 could possibly have made a significant contribution to his bar tab. And your sentence viz. Commentary/Said, "... who wants to imply that the entire Palestinian nation's claims of hardship are bogus," should be Commentary's masthead. Seriously, unless it were to say, "working to ensure US foreign policy remains subservient to Israeli interests," could it state the role of the magazine here in the '90s more clearly? (In the '80s, of course, parallel masting would have been something like, "Poddy making sure neither the US defense budget nor General Sharon drops one whit, no matter who has the ear of that senile fuck in the White House this week.") Another informative, amusing column. Thanks! Richard Piedmonte <richard.piedmonte@valent.com> You've given us another idea. Has anyone written a piece on the left's nostalgia for Reagan? People say he made politics simpler for Republicans and Reagan Democrats, but what about the many gifts he gave his enemies? Oh, for the days when one could take comfort in the fact that one's nemesis was literally a dimwitted actor! Sucksters Filler Dear Polly, From my friend ... Mr. Litchy's Top 10 Notable Quotables: 1. We're all just $1.98 worth of chemicals 2. ... and Tommy Kramer's liver. 3. Let me lie in it. 4. Yeah, poor Madonna. 5. Jacob Wetterling in trunk. 6. This is my Christmas gift to you. 7. Meet my future ex-wife. 8. Fugly Ucker. 9. Sand traps to the left of me, jokers to the right. 10. It's just natural selection. Enjoy them alone or with complete strangers! Paul Pavlak < PPavlak@EMAIL.HGA.com> Wow, that list was profoundly meaningful to me. You should find this list of my own private jokes just as compelling. 1. Have another popover, froggy. 2. See, maybe you want the toy just because you saw it on TV. 3. It's got a lot of brains to stick in there. 4. Ah. Don't. Won't. Yo. Lahf. 5. Then, it gets a tasty meal! 6. Fuck off, fish. Big laughs all around! Polly You all should really compile a book of the Filler series and package said book with limited-edition action figures of the various characters. Cartoons lend themselves to action figures anyway, so no one would complain about the crappy quality of the figures themselves, and, being limited edition, people would need to buy at least four copies of the book to get the whole set of figures (assuming you made the fish, the bald guy, the glasses guy, and you). You all could make a killing. Just a thought. Best, Greg Turner <greg@wconet.com> Action figures? Inaction figures, more like. We'd all have to be sitting down, looking really irritated. Maybe each figure would come with a latte that fit right in its little plastic hand, and a cigarette or crack pipe would fit into the other hand. That way, figures with their accesories intact would be more sought-after, further bolstering that falsely high market price. We could have inaction scenes, like they do with Star Wars figures, only our scenes would be the snack machine in the office and maybe a living room setting, featuring a big couch, a TV, and stacks of crappy magazines everywhere. But, see, maybe you just want the toy because you saw it on TV. Joyfully looking forward to creating needs in very young, impressionable children, Polly |
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