The Fish
for 30 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Hit & Run

I really enjoyed the
interview with the bear man.
The entire time I was reading
it, I was imagining his voice
was like one of those guys
from Strange Brew. The guy is
a nut, and I hope that he
makes it just to spite the
rest of the bitter Canadians
who only read Suck out of a
perverse sense of
sadomasochism.

John Fracisco
<John.Fracisco@trw.com>

Using your powers of
imagination can really be
fun, can't it?

Please don't insult those
sadomasochistic Canadians.
On most days they seem to
make up about 45 percent of
our readership.

Go Canucks!

Kissing the hand that feeds,

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dudley and DOoRight,

(a clatter of correction
where there should be)

The film board, I think, is not
awash in cash, but since the
film is doing well ... there
is some obligation to smell
appropriately when climbing
the ladder of success to
reach the asses much better
than thine. Or, as one might
think ... home sweet home
... and perhaps Mr. Hurtubise
does deserve a slice.

Innovation in human endeavor
is a special activity, and
without it the world might
possibly still be a near-
pristine, ecologically celestial
bauble, but we can so we do
... and his exploits have
been exploited. He is in
hardship.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to
hurtle a handful of
astronauts into deep space
for a considerable length of
time.

Hormone-induced hibernation?
Could this be, like, for
decades? There goes my
attention span for the
project.

But best regards for
championing ... and noting
the puck-nabbers who live
amongst us.

Being busy and still stopping
in to visit,

Bill Loren
<lorenb@islandnet.com>

Yeah, who wants to engage in
any project that takes longer
than two years to see
results? I mean, you can keep
yourself motivated by
imagining those USA Today
headlines for only so long.

Still imagining,

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: You Morons!

Regarding this tiresome
drivel:

"... Troy Hurtubise is a
conservationist, mountain
man, bear behavior expert,
and tireless inventor of ..."

Did you ever wonder who gives
a shit
?!

You losers don't scrounge
hard enough to find pointless
shit to fill your page.

<klee@indy.net>

Thursday, 30 September 1999

TO DO:

1. Scrounge harder to find
pointless shit to fill page.
2. Nap.
3. Pick butt.


Slamming Canadians in the
Fish,

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Making fun of
Canada???

Jean Cousins — now there
is a name that most certainly
comes from that Rhodes
Scholar community of
Buttcrack, Mississippi. Or,
she might have sucked a
little dick in Posthole,
Kentucky where it is still
legal to marry your daughter
as long as she is over 14
years old.

She thinks Canada is a joke.
Well, she should take a long,
hard look at her own pathetic
country. I certainly have to
laugh at someone who makes
fun of someone's accent when
all you have to do is look at
all the y'alls from down
South or the BAW HAWBAA twang
from the New England states.
Most of these uneducated
trailer-park whores cannot
speak properly even when they
have a new pair of false
teeth in their heads.

Of course, it is easy for
someone who has never had
her cranium out of her
rectum for more than a few
minutes to scarf down a meal
at the Golden Arches. She has
probably experienced her best
dining experiences at
McDonald's or KFC and
wouldn't know a good meal if
it grabbed her around her
cellulite-laden face. Look
around in your own country,
you stupid bitch, and you
will find that the good old
USA has more violent
prisoners per capita than any
other country on earth. More
child molesters, rapists,
gun-carrying uneducated
morons, thieves, and
unemployed lazy slobs who are
so fat they are slowing down
the movement of the earth. If
you want to see cellulite and
lard asses, the United States
(the all-you-can-eat buffet
for hogs) is the place to go.

She thinks the United States
is not the brunt of most
jokes? Too bad Jean could not
find her own state on a map,
let alone know what is going
on in the world. Her favorite
educational shows are The
Jerry Springer Show
and that
fat overpaid excuse for
common sense The Hefty Oprah
Winfrey Show.
Of course, we
could talk all day about
their government and the
Billy Clinton and the Oral
Office Show. Now there is a
joke that just keeps going
and going and going. What
other place on earth can you
go to and take the most
powerful government offical
and let him get his weenie
sucked by some overweight,
brainless moron; let him
shoot a load all over the
stars and stripes; and then
spend $150 million trying to
cover it all up? Why, the
US of A, of course. The
only country in the world
where it takes a president
less than an hour to
completely pull the wool over
the entire population's eyes.
Not too hard a job when most
of the dolts cannot read or
write in the first place.

Here you have a country that
is running out of fresh
water, most of their natural
resources are gone, and they
still consider themselves
superior to all other
countries even though they
are listed as No. 9 in the
world for education and
mathematics. In 1998, they
gave a grade-8 test to
teachers in Massachusetts
and, believe this or not, but
85 percent of the teachers
failed. Does this tell you
anything about the
educational system in your
frail little country, Jean?
How about all those school
shootings, the murder of
little Jon Benet Ramsey, and
the complete failure of the
police to bring anyone to
justice for it? The Unabomber
... now there is a person who
has swallowed some water from
the wrong end of the gene
pool. How about your Air
Force pilot who cut off that
Italian cable and killed all
those people? Now there is a
person who really needs some
help from a certified brain
expert. The only thing the
United States has going for
it is that it has a warm
climate. Unfortunately, most
of the people who live there
are total incompetents and
should all be moved to South
America where they can teach
each other to read little
books and stare at each
others' fat bodies.

The United States of America
... now there is a real joke.
Of course, their flag is a
very suitable icon since 46
percent of their population
lives in stripes and this
population is growing
rapidly. The USSR dropped to
its knees and the United
States is not far behind. I
cannot wait until the thirsty
assholes come crawling over
our border to get a drink of
water and we can piss on
them. Hahahahahahaha. I can't
wait for these lazy fat slobs
to start killing each other
over water ... it won't be
long now.

Hahahahahahaha

JEANNE
<habenaro@ nbnet.nb.ca>

Thank you for putting in so
much effort to make our Fish
page a more informative and
entertaining place. You've
certainly shed a lot of light
on the differences between
Americans and Canadians! Our
dedication to enlightening
the populace as to those
differences continues to grow
— well, as fast as it
can, given the fact that
Springer's on twice a day.

We do feel that you should
continue to explore your
negative feelings about the
overweight. Those emotions
are clearly causing you a lot
of pain, and the more you
know about your anger, the
more chances you'll have to
heal.

Feeling very, very thirsty
and hoping we can trade our
computers for a drink of
water from a charitable
Canuck when push comes to
shove,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Reverso Converso

I read with slight interest
your latest commentary
concerning questionable
"biographies" (actually, the
proper term is
"autobiographies" when one is
writing of one's own life).
Considering the reality that
truth and fiction seem to be
morphing into one blurry
entity, the real question is,
when haven't autobiographers
fudged a bit? Those who
trumpet their own glory are
seldom prone to expose parts
of their lives that would
somewhat tarnish their
self-images to that of a
lesser (read: "ordinary")
person.

Besides all that, people tend
to be fallible whenever
memory is concerned. If five
different witnesses to an
accident scene can have five
different descriptions of the
event, then why do we somehow
expect those who write about
their own lives to have
indelible and photographic
memories? Get real!

Just because we live in an
information age, we should
not expect that the quantity
of that information does not
have an inverse relationship
to its quality. The false
sense of betrayal we have
felt concerning those who
include personal agendas
within their life stories is
just that: false. If we are
to count holes in others'
stories, then we will have to
begin with the very first
time that an influential
person put chisel to stone in
order to tell of his
accomplishments. There is,
after all, a certain luxury
that comes from cynicism, and
we need to tap into it before
we keep fooling ourselves
that what people say about
themselves is the God's
honest truth.

Cynthia Bage
<cbage2000@earthlink.net>

Jerzy's rule No. 1: If you
gotta chisel your own stone,
you're not influential.

That said, I'm sure you're
right. There are degrees of
deception, but few of us can
resist the urge to doctor the
script in retrospect. The
greater sins, I think, occur
when partisans of the author
conveniently accept what we
all know to be exaggerations,
then (a) pitch a fit when
somebody doubts their
veracity and (b) adopt the
fallback position, once
somebody disproves their
veracity, that we all knew
that all along, silly.

But without people like that,
we'd be without many of our
most entertaining religions.

Jerzy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Contemplate a photo of Chris
Hitchens from, say, 1985, and
then a photo of Hitchens
today. Let's face it: Not
even his myriad Clinton
bashing, score-settling
appearances on US television
during 1998 could possibly
have made a significant
contribution to his bar tab.

And your sentence viz.
Commentary/Said, "... who
wants to imply that the
entire Palestinian nation's
claims of hardship are
bogus," should be
Commentary's masthead.
Seriously, unless it were to
say, "working to ensure US
foreign policy remains
subservient to Israeli
interests," could it state
the role of the magazine here
in the '90s more clearly? (In
the '80s, of course, parallel
masting would have been
something like, "Poddy making
sure neither the US defense
budget nor General Sharon
drops one whit, no matter who
has the ear of that senile
fuck in the White House this
week.")

Another informative, amusing
column. Thanks!

Richard Piedmonte
<richard.piedmonte@valent.com>

You've given us another idea.
Has anyone written a piece on the
left's nostalgia for Reagan?
People say he made politics
simpler for Republicans and
Reagan Democrats, but what
about the many gifts he gave
his enemies? Oh, for the days
when one could take comfort
in the fact that one's
nemesis was literally a
dimwitted actor!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

Dear Polly,
From my friend ...

Mr. Litchy's Top 10 Notable
Quotables:

1. We're all just $1.98 worth
of chemicals
2. ... and Tommy Kramer's liver.
3. Let me lie in it.
4. Yeah, poor Madonna.
5. Jacob Wetterling in trunk.
6. This is my Christmas gift
to you.
7. Meet my future ex-wife.
8. Fugly Ucker.
9. Sand traps to the left of me,
jokers to the right.
10. It's just natural selection.

Enjoy them alone or with
complete strangers!

Paul Pavlak <
PPavlak@EMAIL.HGA.com>

Wow, that list was profoundly
meaningful to me.

You should find this list of
my own private jokes just as
compelling.

1. Have another popover, froggy.
2. See, maybe you want the
toy just because you saw it on TV.
3. It's got a lot of brains to stick
in there.
4. Ah. Don't. Won't. Yo. Lahf.
5. Then, it gets a tasty meal!
6. Fuck off, fish.

Big laughs all around!

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


You all should really compile
a book of the Filler series
and package said book with
limited-edition action
figures of the various
characters. Cartoons lend
themselves to action figures
anyway, so no one would
complain about the crappy
quality of the figures
themselves, and, being
limited edition, people would
need to buy at least four
copies of the book to get the
whole set of figures
(assuming you made the fish,
the bald guy, the glasses
guy, and you). You all could
make a killing.

Just a thought.

Best,

Greg Turner
<greg@wconet.com>

Action figures? Inaction
figures, more like. We'd all
have to be sitting down,
looking really irritated.
Maybe each figure would come
with a latte that fit right
in its little plastic hand,
and a cigarette or crack pipe
would fit into the other
hand. That way, figures with
their accesories intact would
be more sought-after, further
bolstering that falsely high
market price.

We could have inaction
scenes, like they do with
Star Wars figures, only our
scenes would be the snack
machine in the office and
maybe a living room setting,
featuring a big couch, a TV,
and stacks of crappy
magazines everywhere.

But, see, maybe you just want
the toy because you saw it on
TV.

Joyfully looking forward to
creating needs in very young,
impressionable children,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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