for 27 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Dear black dude on the street
with a 40,

Hey! I liked that commercial!
Another thing you were wrong
about was that it's more like
a 45-minute wait between
races (at least it seemed
that way when my mom would
drag us kids to the infield
at Santa Anita so she could
keep E & J Gallo in
business), which for a kid is
hell. I think they should
give kids free booze —
that would help.

In the days of the Battle of
the Network Stars (read:
Battle of the T&A), there
wouldn't be these kinds of
disturbing social experiments
like "family values" at the
racetrack. As for the old
farts, I'm glad they're
finding there's life after
bad television (read: cable).
Someone's gotta buck the
notion that the world's as
unsafe as the local TV news
keeps spinning up their
butts. Besides, if I had a
lousy self-absorbed baby
boomer brat for a kid, I'd be
looking at ways to "lose" the
inheritance too. Oops! I know
passive-agressive sucks, but
... so do some people. Why
should I be any different?

Suck Baby Suck!

G. P.
<gpyatt@uclink4.berkeley.edu>

If only there were more
people like you, Lori Petty
would be enjoying a Chris
Rock/Little Penny surge in
her career right now. I like
your notion that the
racetrack be used as
punishment for bad children,
as mom and dad rashly gamble
specific portions of future
allowance earnings and
college fund savings
according to the severity of
the offense. You should ask
Pimlico for a cut.

Luckily, most old fart cable
TV stars are the ones keeping
E & J Gallo in business
today.

40th St. Black

Subject: Re: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What's a mullet?

Joanie Karnowski
<daphne@imageworks.com>

A mullet is the haircut
featuring long hair down the
back and short hair on the
top. Jerry Seinfeld for years
had a "high-end" mullet, but
most of the best ones feature
hair less than a half-inch
long on top and a strand of
flowing curls down the back.

40th St. Black

40thSB:

What's making racing so
popular with the youngsters
around here has less to do
with Rip Torn, Degas,
Beanie-Baby Day, and even
dollar beers. It's more that
the recently moneyed locals
got that way by being
risk-tolerant, and that a
racing form reads like a
cross between the best two
parts of the newspaper: the
back of the business section
and the box scores.

Joe Kenny
San Francisco
<jck@hooked.net>

Joe,

I think I like your analysis
way better than mine. One of
the appeals of horse racing
in the context of all
gambling is that, like the
stock market, it seemingly
rewards those who are willing
to put the time in to make
the wisest choices — a
slot machine and the lottery
are positively un-American by
comparison.

Although it would seem
entirely logical if it had
happened, to my mind the
local track here in Seattle
hasn't benefited greatly from
an influx of Microserfs and
Amazon.com-invested former
bookstackers. I have no real
educated guess what the
difference would be in the
two areas of the country,
where one area's equivalent
would turn out and the other
wouldn't. Maybe it's the damn
weather.

40th St. Black

Subject: Fine uncut what?

Dear James (if that is your
real name),

Isn't the phrase "fine, uncut
Turkish hashish" a Doonesbury
ripoff? I swear that
came out of Zonker Harris'
speech bubble, circa '74.

Hoping you lose that
headachey creeper buzz and
get something with a bit of
the crank in it soon,

Geoff L. Burpee
Hong Kong
<g_burpee@hotmail.com>

Dear Geoff:

James Bong is not my real
name.

As for where I got the "fine,
uncut Turkish hashish"
phrase, it was whispered to
me by Mike Barnicle who first
heard it from Patricia Smith
who got it from Steven Glass.
Cool?

Totally, like, wasted,

James

Subject: Coming Clean
Campaign Text

J. B.,

Bravo. Great piece. Puts the
Acme rocket skids under
Beatty/Bulworth's attempts at
brutal honesty.

Since The Day the Earth Stood
Still may be one of the high
points of 20th-century art, I
am moved to pick, clean, and
preserve the following nits:
Per the credits in that film,
the ET's name is spelled with
a double A. The robot
companion's name is Gort in
the film (an improvement on
Harry Bates' Gnut in the
original story, BTW).

I hope that if I am the 500th
propeller head who points
this out, some sort of prize
will be forthcoming.

Charlie Flink
<cf37@cornell.edu>

Charlie,

Don't they give you enough
prizes at that Cornell School
of Hotel Management? Free
mints and such?

Go Dartmouth!

James

Subject: Cherry Hill?

Hey Bong,

Great article. Are you from
Cherry Hill? Can anyone
submit an article to Suck?

Keep up the sarcasm.

Steve Z.
<S_ZORBALAS@email.msn.com>

Steve,

I am not, nor have I ever
been, from Cherry Hill. I did
pursue a Cherry Hill girl
while in high school in
Philadelphia. Beth. She broke
my heart. Do you know her?
Cute, curly hair, smile like
a shiv, heart like a block of
ice?

Damn you, Cherry Hill, New
Jersey! Damn you all to hell!

Note to editors: Please do
not accept any contributions
from anyone from Cherry Hill.

James

Subject: All the King's Men

Sucksters, Today's column,
"The Announcement,"
emphatically reinforced my
darkest and most Freudian
suspicion that my only option
in the voting booth during
our next national election is
to write in Alan Kornheiser
for King.

Alan Kornheiser for King!
Alan Kornheiser for King!

Thinking up a catchier
slogan,

Alexandra Sarkozy
<asarkozy@hotmail.com>

Kornheiser may talk about
running, but it is only I,
James Bong, who has the
courage to put his money
where his mouth is.

Though you wouldn't want to
know where my mouth is at
this exact moment.

James Bong forever,
Kornheiser never,

James

Subject: Suck, 13 September
1999

Hey, Sucksters,

Good column, once in a while
(LOL). It's fun to read —
lots more so than my usual
e-junk. But for one point:
There's no Motel 6 in Butte,
Montana. I know — I work in
one of the local historical
hostelries in Uptown Butte.
Outside of that, the column
was GREAT!!! Think we can get
any candidates to follow
suite? (ROTFLMAO)

Phil King
Butte, USA
The Richest Hill on Earth
<phiramk2@hotmail.com>

Have you ever been called a
Butte-munch?

Best,

James

Subject: Considering the
potential ...

... for groundswell
manipulation (let's take a
dozen or so tales of online
mayhem), it isn't that
far-fetched an idea. So, you
really gonna run?

William Brine
<william@ntnow.com>

Bill,

I am seriously considering
it. Please send me a campaign
contribution to help me make
up my mind. If you have a hot
sister, I will consider
taking the contribution in
kind.

My best wishes to you and
Olivia and the kids,

Your faithful servant,

James

Just thought I'd point out
that Alexander Graham Bell
was Canadian.

<graeme@anarkhia.dhs.org>

Figures. Dirty immigrant. My
first move as president will
be to open the Mexican border
and close the Canadian one.

Oh, say can you see ...

James

The Shit

Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996 Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999 "The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999 Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999 Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999 Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear) Webvan Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999 Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999 Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999 "Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988 Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999