The Fish
for 28 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Reverso Converso

Dear Sir,

"(Christopher Hitchens
defends Said's saying that he
spent the 'formative' part of
his youth, however brief, in
Palestine as 'a matter for
him ... to decide' — curious
generosity from a man
who's underwritten a
substantial part of his bar
tab these last few years
attacking just such slippery
locutions by the POTUS.)"

I wouldn't be tossing around
your weird corollary of the
"those in glass houses"
admonishment if I were you
— that is, someone
writing for Suck. Plus, I
don't think Said's so-called
slippery locutions measure up
to those of our prayer-
breakfast–attending Liar
in Chief. (Thirdly, much of
Suck reads as if the writers
ritualistically head to the
corner tavern on pay day.
Those in glass houses....)

In a Sept. 27th Nation column
discussing Israel's torture
ban, Alexander Cockburn
writes: "At the Israeli
Justice Department the
official in charge of matters
affecting Palestinians, and
thus a man well trained as an
apologist for Israeli
security forces, was an
American émigré called Justus
Reid Weiner. Weiner, now a
'scholar in residence' at the
Jerusalem Center for Public
Affairs, financed by Michael
Milken and his family, is the
author of a grotesque attack
on Edward Said in the latest
issue of Commentary. Although
The New York Times and
the Wall Street Journal gave
much space to Weiner's
slurs, neither would
print Said's rebuttal. The
Israeli daily, Ha'Aretz, did
so on 8 September. That same
day the Palestine Center for
Human Rights in Gaza issued a
statement on the Supreme
Court's ruling, concluding
with its 'appreciation of the
work of Israeli human rights
organizations on this issue.'
Would that American Jewish
groups could have merited
such gratitude. Instead of
which we find the Zionist
Organization of America
waving Weiner's attack and
demanding that Said be
evicted from his presidency
of the Modern Language
Association!"

Peter Kilander
<peterk@enteract.com>

You're not British, are you?
If you were, I'd think you'd
see the "bar tab" line is
hardly an insult but a
compliment. Hitch, I'm sure,
could drink any of us under
the table and remain twice as
clever as any of us were
before we started.

As to your first point, I'm
not quite sure what you're
getting at. At Suck, we
defend no one's slippery
locutions but our own.

Jerzy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Most excellent wit and most
finely researched. I leave
you with only one additional
transcultural member: the
late "Jose Jimenez," of
blessed memory.

Did I ever mention I used to
live in Chappaqua? My ex-wife
still owns the house. Nice
enough place if you don't
mind being run over by the
Volvos.

Alan S. Kornheiser
<ASKornheiser@prodigy.net>

Isn't it sad that a former
chief executive ends up
living in the house Clinton
will, though? (Assuming
Hillary doesn't lose the
election, in which case I
suppose they'll have a place
lined up in Oak Park,
Ilinois, by December 2000.)
Not that there's anything
wrong with the area, but
aren't former world leaders
supposed to retire to estates
and compounds? There must be
mid-level bozos at Bear
Stearns with houses in
Westchester that put his to
shame.

I wonder why they didn't just
say screw it and get a loft
in Tribeca. Chappaqua's not
going to cut any ice upstate
anyway, they'd get a decent
place for US$1.7 mil, and
they'd have much better
restaurants at least.

Jerzy
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Jerzy (if that's your
name),

Going to great lengths to
verify if Said spent his
childhood in Jerusalem or not
by your Jewish crony just
shows the kind of hatred and
the desperation your
propaganda doctors have
reached. If we can't debunk
somebody's ideas and
arguments, why not go the
sure way, with personal
attacks that only serve to
ridicule regardless of how
valid their point is. It's
quite a shame Suck would
publish such a story, but
then again, Jews must always
stand united, or they might
get discovered for what they
really did — a very bad
thing indeed.

So, keep lying around till
everybody gets sick of your
falsehoods and madness.

Yours,

Nathan Bradley
UCB Cultural Studies, PhD

Dr. Bradley,

We suspect you've fantasized
for years about giving that
"If that is your real name"
line to some Hebe trying to
pass among decent folks. Come
to think of it, you probably
call up radio shows and do it
all the time. But frankly,
we're not convinced that
figuring out "Jerzy Seinfeld"
is an alias requires a PhD
from Berkeley. Thus we were
not surprised when Berkeley
informed us it has never
awarded a degree to any
Nathan Bradley, and in fact
doesn't even have a department
called Cultural Studies. Thus
we can only conclude your
name is some kind of alias
for Nathan Berkowitz.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Concerned Editors,

Thank you for a bit of truth
concerning claims of
Palestinian outings, or the
enormus exaggerations of
displaced persons from Israel
in 1948. In 1960, I spent
about 10 months in Israel
working on Kibbutz Schuchot
in Emek Bet Shan and went on
many trips on foot or by
bus or jeep around the
country. I had taken geology
in college, and could not see
where anyone had lived in
most of the country for at
least 100 years and probably
much longer, judging by the
weathering of the land,
except where they were still
living.

The Israeli government knows
that about 30,000
Palestinians actually left
Israel from the Carmel area
when the Mufti ordered them
to leave. In Jerusalem, there
was a trading around of
population due to the
division. The actual count of
Palestinians living in Israel
before the War in 1948 was
approximately 150,000 people,
and about 600,000 Jews. The
great exaggeration of the
ones that left were due to
counting the armies of five
countries (about 1 million)
that were called by the Mufti
to fight the Jews, and then
recalled. They were the ones
who fled. Most of the
Palestinians who were in
Israel stayed there. The
population of the Jews grew
10 times to 5 million now,
and the population of the
Palestinians also grew 10
times to approximately 1
million now. One may say that
there have been new Jews
coming to Israel but, believe
me, there have been new
Palestinians too.

Just last year I visited
Israel, and toured all over
(this time by car) and
noticed many new "Beduwin"
campers setting up residence
by sneaking in as Israel has
always allowed them to come
in. They live in little
makeshift camps before moving
to the city.

All the land in the Western
Bank is too much land for the
needs of the Palestinians who
are there. For three days I
filmed on video a recently
turned-over city, Kiryat
Joseph, and noticed that no
one lived there. All the
lights went on at exactly the
same time, one car drove
through, and no one walked
around. The question I would
ask is, where are the
Palestinians going to get any
population to live on the
West Bank besides the few old
sheep farmers that live there
now? Do they really think
that their young people are
going to leave Tel Aviv where
they can get jobs, to go
sheep farm on the West Bank?

Thank you for letting me say
all this.

Marcy Sterns
<marcy@sd.znet.com>

This must be why Moshe Dayan
told the newspaper Ha'Aretz
in 1969, "We came to this
country which was already
populated by Arabs and we are
establishing a Hebrew, that
is a Jewish state here ...
[long litany of the original
Arabic names of various
towns, including Dayan's own
hometown]. There is not one
place in this country that
did not have a former Arab
population."

So while your long-after-
the-fact fantasy is amusing,
we'll take the general's word
for it.

Yr pal,

Ibn Hmar
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
A Day at the Races

Dear black dude on the street
with a 40,

Hey! I liked that commercial!
Another thing you were wrong
about was that it's more like
a 45-minute wait between
races (at least it seemed
that way when my mom would
drag us kids to the infield
at Santa Anita so she could
keep E & J Gallo in
business), which for a kid is
hell. I think they should
give kids free booze —
that would help.

In the days of the Battle of
the Network Stars (read:
Battle of the T&A), there
wouldn't be these kinds of
disturbing social experiments
like "family values" at the
racetrack. As for the old
farts, I'm glad they're
finding there's life after
bad television (read: cable).
Someone's gotta buck the
notion that the world's as
unsafe as the local TV news
keeps spinning up their
butts. Besides, if I had a
lousy self-absorbed baby
boomer brat for a kid, I'd be
looking at ways to "lose" the
inheritance too. Oops! I know
passive-agressive sucks, but
... so do some people. Why
should I be any different?

Suck Baby Suck!

G. P.
<gpyatt@uclink4.berkeley.edu>

If only there were more
people like you, Lori Petty
would be enjoying a Chris
Rock/Little Penny surge in
her career right now. I like
your notion that the
racetrack be used as
punishment for bad children,
as mom and dad rashly gamble
specific portions of future
allowance earnings and
college fund savings
according to the severity of
the offense. You should ask
Pimlico for a cut.

Luckily, most old fart cable
TV stars are the ones keeping
E & J Gallo in business
today.

40th St. Black

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Re: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What's a mullet?

Joanie Karnowski
<daphne@imageworks.com>

A mullet is the haircut
featuring long hair down the
back and short hair on the
top. Jerry Seinfeld for years
had a "high-end" mullet, but
most of the best ones feature
hair less than a half-inch
long on top and a strand of
flowing curls down the back.

40th St. Black

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

40thSB:

What's making racing so
popular with the youngsters
around here has less to do
with Rip Torn, Degas,
Beanie-Baby Day, and even
dollar beers. It's more that
the recently moneyed locals
got that way by being
risk-tolerant, and that a
racing form reads like a
cross between the best two
parts of the newspaper: the
back of the business section
and the box scores.

Joe Kenny
San Francisco
<jck@hooked.net>

Joe,

I think I like your analysis
way better than mine. One of
the appeals of horse racing
in the context of all
gambling is that, like the
stock market, it seemingly
rewards those who are willing
to put the time in to make
the wisest choices — a
slot machine and the lottery
are positively un-American by
comparison.

Although it would seem
entirely logical if it had
happened, to my mind the
local track here in Seattle
hasn't benefited greatly from
an influx of Microserfs and
Amazon.com-invested former
bookstackers. I have no real
educated guess what the
difference would be in the
two areas of the country,
where one area's equivalent
would turn out and the other
wouldn't. Maybe it's the damn
weather.

40th St. Black

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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