The Fish
for 24 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

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Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
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Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

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Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

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Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
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&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
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Suck Alumni Text
 

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Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

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Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

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Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

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Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
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Production Manager

 

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Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

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Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

The Announcement

Subject: Fine uncut what?

Dear James (if that is your
real name),

Isn't the phrase "fine, uncut
Turkish hashish" a Doonesbury
ripoff? I swear that
came out of Zonker Harris'
speech bubble, circa '74.

Hoping you lose that
headachey creeper buzz and
get something with a bit of
the crank in it soon,

Geoff L. Burpee
Hong Kong
<g_burpee@hotmail.com>

Dear Geoff:

James Bong is not my real
name.

As for where I got the "fine,
uncut Turkish hashish"
phrase, it was whispered to
me by Mike Barnicle who first
heard it from Patricia Smith
who got it from Steven Glass.
Cool?

Totally, like, wasted,

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Coming Clean
Campaign Text

J. B.,

Bravo. Great piece. Puts the
Acme rocket skids under
Beatty/Bulworth's attempts at
brutal honesty.

Since The Day the Earth Stood
Still
may be one of the high
points of 20th-century art, I
am moved to pick, clean, and
preserve the following nits:
Per the credits in that film,
the ET's name is spelled with
a double A. The robot
companion's name is Gort in
the film (an improvement on
Harry Bates' Gnut in the
original story, BTW).

I hope that if I am the 500th
propeller head who points
this out, some sort of prize
will be forthcoming.

Charlie Flink
<cf37@cornell.edu>

Charlie,

Don't they give you enough
prizes at that Cornell School
of Hotel Management? Free
mints and such?

Go Dartmouth!

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Cherry Hill?

Hey Bong,

Great article. Are you from
Cherry Hill? Can anyone
submit an article to Suck?

Keep up the sarcasm.

Steve Z.
<S_ZORBALAS@email.msn.com>

Steve,

I am not, nor have I ever
been, from Cherry Hill. I did
pursue a Cherry Hill girl
while in high school in
Philadelphia. Beth. She broke
my heart. Do you know her?
Cute, curly hair, smile like
a shiv, heart like a block of
ice?

Damn you, Cherry Hill, New
Jersey! Damn you all to hell!

Note to editors: Please do
not accept any contributions
from anyone from Cherry Hill.

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: All the King's Men

Sucksters, Today's column,
"The Announcement,"
emphatically reinforced my
darkest and most Freudian
suspicion that my only option
in the voting booth during
our next national election is
to write in Alan Kornheiser
for King.

Alan Kornheiser for King!
Alan Kornheiser for King!

Thinking up a catchier
slogan,

Alexandra Sarkozy
<asarkozy@hotmail.com>

Kornheiser may talk about
running, but it is only I,
James Bong, who has the
courage to put his money
where his mouth is.

Though you wouldn't want to
know where my mouth is at
this exact moment.

James Bong forever,
Kornheiser never,

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Suck, 13 September
1999

Hey, Sucksters,

Good column, once in a while
(LOL). It's fun to read —
lots more so than my usual
e-junk. But for one point:
There's no Motel 6 in Butte,
Montana. I know — I work in
one of the local historical
hostelries in Uptown Butte.
Outside of that, the column
was GREAT!!! Think we can get
any candidates to follow
suite? (ROTFLMAO)

Phil King
Butte, USA
The Richest Hill on Earth
<phiramk2@hotmail.com>

Have you ever been called a
Butte-munch?

Best,

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Considering the
potential ...

... for groundswell
manipulation (let's take a
dozen or so tales of online
mayhem), it isn't that
far-fetched an idea. So, you
really gonna run?

William Brine
<william@ntnow.com>

Bill,

I am seriously considering
it. Please send me a campaign
contribution to help me make
up my mind. If you have a hot
sister, I will consider
taking the contribution in
kind.

My best wishes to you and
Olivia and the kids,

Your faithful servant,

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Just thought I'd point out
that Alexander Graham Bell
was Canadian.

<graeme@anarkhia.dhs.org>

Figures. Dirty immigrant. My
first move as president will
be to open the Mexican border
and close the Canadian one.

Oh, say can you see ...

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hit & Run

Hey Sucksters,

Thanks for the link back to
Tattoo Jew. It's helping our
hit rate immensely. Great
column. Speaking of parody
(here comes a plug), have you
seen It Could Have Been a
Wonderful Life?


I also enjoyed your piece on
the man who portrays
Franklin. I live with a
deconstructionist historian
who is constantly pissing me
off via her continual
critiques of Franklin's
sexual politics, which seems
to me to be missing the point
of the man by a very wide
margin. Anyway, it's good to
read about someone with some
genuine reverence for a
people's hero. Thanks.

All the best,

Ray Staar
<tattoo@tattoojew.com>

Your live-in
deconstructionist is
constantly critiquing Ben
Franklin's sexual politics?
There's a citizen who's not
afraid to grapple with the
important issues of our day.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I know it's not likely you'll
be doing another Hit and Run
on a founding-father
impersonator anytime soon,
but if you do, give this
jackass a try:
http://www.th-jefferson.org/
.

He has a weekly television
show (The Thomas Jefferson
Hour,
produced here in Reno)
in which he "assumes the
persona" of our
slave-schtupping prez and
answers questions about "his"
life, modern-day politics,
and how civilization is in
decline because kids aren't
reading Thackeray and don't
appreciate a third-rate
university professor dressed
up in a bad wig. It's
painfully bad, but I guess if
Jefferson really was an
insufferably arrogant prick
he's doing a good job. Once I
saw him at a local
supermarket arguing with a
cashier over the price of
grapes. I'm still not sure if
he was being Thomas Jefferson
at the time. He also claims
on his Web site that
he does impersonations of
Robert Oppenheimer.

Your column's usually not as
boring as work, so I read it
almost every day.

Keep on sucking.

Ben Shefftz
<shefftzb@ally.com>

The best part of Clay
Jenkinson's site is when he
boasts, "He was the chief
'talking head' in Ken Burns'
documentary on Thomas
Jefferson." We'd love to see
his impersonation of Chief
Talking Head, the legendary
Indian leader.

If he really does stay in
character as Jefferson, he
deserves a Congressional
Medal of Valor. We're still
steamed that Nick Nolte and
Ken White Shadow Howard
didn't make hard-core
Jefferson portrayals their
permanent careers.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The person who pulls your
latte at Starbucks is called
a barista. The person who
takes your money is a
cashier. They keep the clerks
in the basement and nobody
gets mad at them but their
bosses.

<VSolomon@ milbank.com>

I thought the barista was
the Starbucks employee who
wears a powdered wig and
says, "You shall be taken
from this chamber to a place
of execution and hanged by
the neck until dead!" You
learn something new every
day!

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The Announcement

Subject: An honest politician

If there were more speeches
like this one in politics
— on the local, state, or
national level — I might
be convinced to go out and
vote for the first time in my
35 years. Of course, I'd have
to register first, but this
is San Francisco, and I'm sure
it's just a matter of paying
someone enough money.

Mind you, I'm still not
certain why anyone would
sleep with a politician. I
have yet to see an attractive
one other than Governor
Ventura.

Bill Bailey
<arkouda@doxos.com>

You think Jesse "The Belly"
Ventura is attractive?
Interesting. But I'm glad
you're behind me and my
candidacy, er, so to speak.

See you at Hef's grotto, come
the weekend after Election
Day 2000?

James
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I saw your site —
excellent. How about putting
my icon for the favorites
icon in IE? It will also show
on the address line when
people see your site. When
you see it you will know the
reason. Help stop the
suffering. If you want to see
how it appears in the address
line, go to this URL:
http://fbox.vt.edu:10021/org/
NORML/
. All you have to do
is put the favicon.ico file in
your Web page directory.

Thanks. A legally prescribed
marijuana patient in
Virginia,

Jim
<jim@ rileynet.com>

Help stop the suffering? Amen
to that. How about the
suffering I go through when I
see a movie like The Matrix or
The Sixth Sense and I'm not
under the influence of marijuana,
legally prescribed or
otherwise?! Now that's
suffering!

See you on the campaign
trail.

Best,

James
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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