The Fish
for 23 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Hit & Run

Hey Sucksters,

Thanks for the link back to
Tattoo Jew. It's helping our
hit rate immensely. Great
column. Speaking of parody
(here comes a plug), have you
seen It Could Have Been a
Wonderful Life?

I also enjoyed your piece on
the man who portrays
Franklin. I live with a
deconstructionist historian
who is constantly pissing me
off via her continual
critiques of Franklin's
sexual politics, which seems
to me to be missing the point
of the man by a very wide
margin. Anyway, it's good to
read about someone with some
genuine reverence for a
people's hero. Thanks.

All the best,

Ray Staar

Your live-in
deconstructionist is
constantly critiquing Ben
Franklin's sexual politics?
There's a citizen who's not
afraid to grapple with the
important issues of our day.

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

I know it's not likely you'll
be doing another Hit and Run
on a founding-father
impersonator anytime soon,
but if you do, give this
jackass a try:

He has a weekly television
show (The Thomas Jefferson
produced here in Reno)
in which he "assumes the
persona" of our
slave-schtupping prez and
answers questions about "his"
life, modern-day politics,
and how civilization is in
decline because kids aren't
reading Thackeray and don't
appreciate a third-rate
university professor dressed
up in a bad wig. It's
painfully bad, but I guess if
Jefferson really was an
insufferably arrogant prick
he's doing a good job. Once I
saw him at a local
supermarket arguing with a
cashier over the price of
grapes. I'm still not sure if
he was being Thomas Jefferson
at the time. He also claims
on his Web site that
he does impersonations of
Robert Oppenheimer.

Your column's usually not as
boring as work, so I read it
almost every day.

Keep on sucking.

Ben Shefftz

The best part of Clay
Jenkinson's site is when he
boasts, "He was the chief
'talking head' in Ken Burns'
documentary on Thomas
Jefferson." We'd love to see
his impersonation of Chief
Talking Head, the legendary
Indian leader.

If he really does stay in
character as Jefferson, he
deserves a Congressional
Medal of Valor. We're still
steamed that Nick Nolte and
Ken White Shadow Howard
didn't make hard-core
Jefferson portrayals their
permanent careers.

Fish With Letter Icon

The person who pulls your
latte at Starbucks is called
a barista. The person who
takes your money is a
cashier. They keep the clerks
in the basement and nobody
gets mad at them but their


I thought the barista was
the Starbucks employee who
wears a powdered wig and
says, "You shall be taken
from this chamber to a place
of execution and hanged by
the neck until dead!" You
learn something new every

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

The Announcement

Subject: An honest politician

If there were more speeches
like this one in politics
— on the local, state, or
national level — I might
be convinced to go out and
vote for the first time in my
35 years. Of course, I'd have
to register first, but this
is San Francisco, and I'm sure
it's just a matter of paying
someone enough money.

Mind you, I'm still not
certain why anyone would
sleep with a politician. I
have yet to see an attractive
one other than Governor

Bill Bailey

You think Jesse "The Belly"
Ventura is attractive?
Interesting. But I'm glad
you're behind me and my
candidacy, er, so to speak.

See you at Hef's grotto, come
the weekend after Election
Day 2000?

Fish With Letter Icon

I saw your site —
excellent. How about putting
my icon for the favorites
icon in IE? It will also show
on the address line when
people see your site. When
you see it you will know the
reason. Help stop the
suffering. If you want to see
how it appears in the address
line, go to this URL:
. All you have to do
is put the favicon.ico file in
your Web page directory.

Thanks. A legally prescribed
marijuana patient in


Help stop the suffering? Amen
to that. How about the
suffering I go through when I
see a movie like The Matrix or
The Sixth Sense and I'm not
under the influence of marijuana,
legally prescribed or
otherwise?! Now that's

See you on the campaign


Fish With Letter Icon


What kind of a wrap was the
Joey character eating in the
first page of Suck on 8
September 1999? The one that
could be seen in panels one
through three, that wrap or
burrito-like object he's
holding there in those
panels? Is it a burrito or
one of those past-tense
wraps? I actually think I
invented the wrap back in
1988. No, really. I used to
wrap all kinds of sandwiches
and call them burritos —
the falafel burrito, the
Greek burrito with feta
cheese, the pesto and chicken
burrito. But everyone at the
time thought I was
particularly revolting and
just avoiding eating with
utensils. An idea as falsely
representing possible profits
as the content-driven Web
site could have been mine if
I were only understood in
those heady (and big-haired)
days. Now in 1999 it's common
to see cartoon characters
eating such wraps —
although perhaps it's just
some super-giant Frisco
spring roll we can't get on
the East Coast.

And also, if all you're doing
is writing, why do you get a
vacation? I worked with an NT
admin who took his laptop and
cordless modem to the beach
and continued working from
there. We know because he
took his round ball camera
thingy there too. Didn't you
just go on vacation and jot
down things in your notebook
or stock up on Mom quotes? If
so, does that mean that
Thanksgiving is your busiest
workday of the year? Oh god,
I shouldn't have brought up
Thanksgiving, floating like a
dangerous warning buoy in the
midst of treacherous fall
seas. Is Suck having a
Thanksgiving dinner this
year? Maybe you should —
a chance for the people too
filled with self-respect to
subject themselves to
parental disappointment. It's
September and already my
stomach is beginning to hurt.

Why the hell did you have
Joey eating a goddamn wrap

Don Smith

You'll have to ask Terry what
kind of thing Joey was
eating, since I didn't
specify what Joey should be
eating for lunch when I sent
him that strip. But I do
suspect that's a hair he's
picking out of it.

As far as Thanksgiving goes,
it sounds like you should
really be focusing on
actually being thankful this

I'd do the same, but it would
ruin Filler.

Still an ungrateful jerk,

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey Polly,

What is wrong with all of
these people writing and
dogging you out? See, to me,
we're on the same team.
Everyone else sucks except
for us. All of these people
writing in and bitching about
a free once-a-week dose of
vituperative wit need to get
whatever is jammed up their
asses surgically removed. I
mean, I understand it for
what it is ... the rantings
of a bitter, sarcastic woman
— and coming from me,
that's a compliment! Post
some mail that compliments
you on your fine,
"quick-like-cat" wit. If you
don't have any, I'll be happy
to hack something out for you
at the cost of US$4.50 per
letter. Let me know. Soon. I
need to put this English
degree to work somehow.

Eternally, bitterly yours,

Gregg Headrick

If you write something that
other people don't think is
funny, for some reason they
feel compelled to point it
out to you. Considering how
few things are funny in the
world, you'd think unfunny
crap would be met with
indifference — but no.

Luckily, my parents' awful
15-year marriage and
subsequent divorce taught me
to thrive in hostile
environments. Unlike, say,
Kurt Cobain, whose parents'
crappy relationship led him
to develop a very sad outlook
and an unnatural dependence
on antacids, heroin, and big
guns, the caustic words
tossed around my household
merely fertilized the tender
seeds of thought in my young
mind. Granted, there was a
long stretch where I thought
my dad's name was "son of a

Ah, but I'm treading on
well-trampled soil now.
Dysfunction is well-nigh
hilarious, isn't it?

I've got to stop drinking
this Creepy Time herbal tea.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Ke aloha no from Maui!

So what's new?

Almost 20 years ago, my
brother, a specialist in
catastrophe analysis, took
his kids to a New England
county fair, where they were
going to ride the spinning

While watching them load up,
he noticed one of the welds
on the ride was broken.
Checking further, he found
that all of them were broken.

When he told this story to
our mother, she said, "Tom,
you didn't let them go on the
ride, did you?"

He replied, "I did a quick
analysis and decided the ride
wasn't likely to fail on the
next run, so I let them go."

And they all came back.

I doubt whether that ride was
ever inspected by anybody but
my brother.

Harry Eagar


God looks after drunks and
little children.

Yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

Little link
to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes