The Fish
for 21 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


How does one become a
Suckster? Nothing my career
guidance teacher ever said
covered it!

Seamus Sweeney

It takes a combination of bad
luck and a lifetime of
bitterness and frustration to
become a Suckster. Judging
from your naively upbeat
tone, your giddily goofy
email address, and the fact
that you have a career
guidance teacher, you've got
a long way to go, baby.

It's better this way. Trust

Fish With Letter Icon

Kornheiser, Center of

A good deal of the point of
Alan Kornheiser's email was
said first by Mencken, and a
lot more succinctly:

"There are, to be sure,
advantages in Union for
everyone, but it must be
manifest that they are
greatest for the worst kinds
of people. All the benefit
that a New Yorker gets out of
Kansas is no more than what
he might get out of
Saskatchewan, the Argentine
pampas, or Siberia. But New
York to a Kansan is not only
a place where he may get
drunk, look at dirty shows,
and buy bogus antiques; it is
also a place where he may
enforce his dunghill ideas
upon his betters."

Robert L. McMillin

How dare you imply that
anyone could express an idea
more succinctly than Alan


Fish With Letter Icon

East Timor


Need help.

Been Suck reader for couple
years now.

Need you to help with
situation in East Timor. This
is when people who actually
give a shit need to band

Is a Suck issue no doubt ...
involves huge lies and the
usual disregard for human

Look forward to seeing the

Yours faithfully,

Steve Wigney
Sydney, Australia

Um, how are we supposed to
help? By writing about it?
Maybe you're a little bit too
faithfully ours.

But we do remain firmly
against huge lies and the
usual disregard for human
life — don't get us

At least, until the latest
polls are in, at which point
we might support both.

Send your contributions for
James Bong's campaign first,
then we'll talk.

Fish With Letter Icon

It's in the Bag

I just wanted to say I loved
this article. I had to finish
it without clicking a single
link. A whole level above the
usual Suck drivel, although I
did draw a blank on "Duchamp
or gas huffing," probably
because I'm Canadian.

It's a shame Seinfeld is no
longer in production. The
urban sombrero could have
just been the beginning.

Rock on!

Jack Lindsey

I have no doubt it was
because you are Canadian.

One question: In Canada,
wouldn't the correct
translation be urban tuque?

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, your fashion insights
are in the bag. I have one
personal story I'd like to
add to give your article a
sidebar with the real feel of
a haute couture directive.

Fashion Don't!

As the active head of my own
in-home child-care program
— which includes my own
two girls and three others
under the age of four — I
welcomed the cargo pant as an
excellent way to supplement
the hideously humiliating
stylings of the diaper bag,
whose more pared and chic
cuts have not yet been
transformed into line-by-line
copies available to us lowly
masses at Target. So I
figured by co-opting the
cargo pant in the service of
the sundry necessities of my
small group, I could still
carry a mere micro-purse
rather than a handy-dandy
vinyl monolith covered in
teddy bears. I pinned all my
naive hopes on the cargo
pant, thinking its seemingly
discreet cavernousness
offered me a chance to lead
my charges on a tour of the
local swing sets while still
exuding the shining,
effortless, confident
womanliness I was sure must
be evident, in spite of being
unable to squeeze in a shower
before I passed out each
night. Well, take it from
Mama, thighs and calves
protruding with three baby
bottles, two sippie cups, a
diaper or four, burp clothes,
baby wipes, a rattle, a board
book, and small first-aid kit
somehow do not say, "Chic
1999!" Sure, my homegrown
commitment to keeping my
children intimate within
their own family structure
and the entrepreneurial
panache of running my own
program that allows me as a
single parent to keep the
entire works afloat without
ever leaving home, is about
as progressive as it gets as
far as taking the parenting
route in this late century,
but finding the right
garments and accessories to
scream this out to the world
for the validation that
cannot be bought is still too
progressive for fashion
world. So the final scoop is:
Let no woman make the blunder
of actually using this season's
must have cargo pants
for anything. That would
be so working-class crass!
Believe me — I've felt
the pain of that Fashion

Lindsay Cook

It is Official Suck Policy to
never refuse an opportunity
to refer to diapers, poop,
and "active heads," so of
course your letter drew some

While we admire your
ingenuity in actually trying
to use work pants for work,
we sigh knowingly
nonetheless. The only women
who look good in cargo pants
are barely off the bottle
themselves; child-bearing
women find the baggy pockets
and billowing fabric
multiply the thighs and
add pads to areas padded
enough already. As for the
general issue you raise, we
simply nod in agreement: The
paucity of (affordable) baby
gear that accessories well
with a Baby G-Shock is an
insult to all the women whose
fashion sense stays intact
long after the water breaks.

Nonetheless, we read your
letter with some hope: You
are obviously a go-to gal
with entrepreneurial
instincts as sharp as your
eye. There must be a market
for cheap, chic child-care
carriers, so though you may
not be the one to do it, we
think that surely you or some
like you must be in her
basement, building the better

Fish With Letter Icon

I enjoyed your write or rant
about bags and the
excessorization of our days.
I must admit, I read New York,
New York in it — or at
least East Coast. While
completely agreeing with your
comments, I have to speak up
and say that all those
compartments can and
will be used. I have one of
those and I can and do use
all that stuff in all those
compartments — and with
some regularity. Then again,
my bag is nylon and canvas
and comes from the hardware
store, and I thought it pricey
at 25 bucks.

All the best, and keep those
Suck muscles strong.

Kurt Madison

So you sense I am writing
from New York, eh? Tell me,
what tipped you off? Was it
the numerous links to The New
York Observer
? Perhaps it was
the mysterious name check of
Manhattan Portage. Or was it
that I let slip a reference
to the Prada on Madison
Avenue, a well-known street
in New York?

Never let it be said that
Suck readers are not alert
— alert and well

Ann O'Tate
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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