The Fish
for 20 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

It's in the Bag

I just wanted to say I loved
this article. I had to finish
it without clicking a single
link. A whole level above the
usual Suck drivel, although I
did draw a blank on "Duchamp
or gas huffing," probably
because I'm Canadian.

It's a shame Seinfeld is no
longer in production. The
urban sombrero could have
just been the beginning.

Rock on!

Jack Lindsey

I have no doubt it was
because you are Canadian.

One question: In Canada,
wouldn't the correct
translation be urban tuque?

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, your fashion insights
are in the bag. I have one
personal story I'd like to
add to give your article a
sidebar with the real feel of
a haute couture directive.

Fashion Don't!

As the active head of my own
in-home child-care program
— which includes my own
two girls and three others
under the age of four — I
welcomed the cargo pant as an
excellent way to supplement
the hideously humiliating
stylings of the diaper bag,
whose more pared and chic
cuts have not yet been
transformed into line-by-line
copies available to us lowly
masses at Target. So I
figured by co-opting the
cargo pant in the service of
the sundry necessities of my
small group, I could still
carry a mere micro-purse
rather than a handy-dandy
vinyl monolith covered in
teddy bears. I pinned all my
naive hopes on the cargo
pant, thinking its seemingly
discreet cavernousness
offered me a chance to lead
my charges on a tour of the
local swing sets while still
exuding the shining,
effortless, confident
womanliness I was sure must
be evident, in spite of being
unable to squeeze in a shower
before I passed out each
night. Well, take it from
Mama, thighs and calves
protruding with three baby
bottles, two sippie cups, a
diaper or four, burp clothes,
baby wipes, a rattle, a board
book, and small first-aid kit
somehow do not say, "Chic
1999!" Sure, my homegrown
commitment to keeping my
children intimate within
their own family structure
and the entrepreneurial
panache of running my own
program that allows me as a
single parent to keep the
entire works afloat without
ever leaving home, is about
as progressive as it gets as
far as taking the parenting
route in this late century,
but finding the right
garments and accessories to
scream this out to the world
for the validation that
cannot be bought is still too
progressive for fashion
world. So the final scoop is:
Let no woman make the blunder
of actually using this season's
must have cargo pants
for anything. That would
be so working-class crass!
Believe me — I've felt
the pain of that Fashion

Lindsay Cook

It is Official Suck Policy to
never refuse an opportunity
to refer to diapers, poop,
and "active heads," so of
course your letter drew some

While we admire your
ingenuity in actually trying
to use work pants for work,
we sigh knowingly
nonetheless. The only women
who look good in cargo pants
are barely off the bottle
themselves; child-bearing
women find the baggy pockets
and billowing fabric
multiply the thighs and
add pads to areas padded
enough already. As for the
general issue you raise, we
simply nod in agreement: The
paucity of (affordable) baby
gear that accessories well
with a Baby G-Shock is an
insult to all the women whose
fashion sense stays intact
long after the water breaks.

Nonetheless, we read your
letter with some hope: You
are obviously a go-to gal
with entrepreneurial
instincts as sharp as your
eye. There must be a market
for cheap, chic child-care
carriers, so though you may
not be the one to do it, we
think that surely you or some
like you must be in her
basement, building the better

Fish With Letter Icon

I enjoyed your write or rant
about bags and the
excessorization of our days.
I must admit, I read New York,
New York in it — or at
least East Coast. While
completely agreeing with your
comments, I have to speak up
and say that all those
compartments can and
will be used. I have one of
those and I can and do use
all that stuff in all those
compartments — and with
some regularity. Then again,
my bag is nylon and canvas
and comes from the hardware
store, and I thought it pricey
at 25 bucks.

All the best, and keep those
Suck muscles strong.

Kurt Madison

So you sense I am writing
from New York, eh? Tell me,
what tipped you off? Was it
the numerous links to The New
York Observer
? Perhaps it was
the mysterious name check of
Manhattan Portage. Or was it
that I let slip a reference
to the Prada on Madison
Avenue, a well-known street
in New York?

Never let it be said that
Suck readers are not alert
— alert and well

Ann O'Tate
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Labor Day? What
Labor Day?

I don't know about you, but I
haven't had a Labor Day off
since 1993. Neither has
anybody I know.

Welcome to the Great American
Artificial Economic Recovery,
where people have traded in
their one good job for two or
even three crappy ones.

Ironically enough, we just
might feasibly blame the
labor movement for it. By
unnecessarily escalating the
cost of production while
lowering quality overall,
labor unions more than had a
hand in driving a huge number
of American manufacturing
jobs to other shores.

Today, almost nothing is made
in the United States. That
which is, is only assembled
from parts made elsewhere.
Americans now earn their
livings by offering support
services for those products
at less than half their
former wages in

And when some lucky bastard
has a holiday, I have to work
my ass off all the harder for
it. Fuck Labor Day.

Alan in Albuquerque
("Bitter, party of one")

How can you simultaneously
blame labor unions for
escalating wages, thereby
driving American
manufacturing jobs overseas,
while bemoaning the fact that
you'd make more in
manufacturing (thanks to
labor unions) than you do at
your support service job?

Issues aside, we'd be bitter
too if we didn't get Labor
Day off. Maybe you should get
another job.

The luckiest of bastards,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Good on yer Sucksters! All
the best from the Land of the
Long White Cloud on your
achievement. As the owner of
a small business that is
celebrating its second
anniversary at exactly the
same time, I know how
difficult it is to start
something new and understand
the satisfaction derived from
being suckcessful (terrible
pun, I know, but I just
couldn't help myself). I'm
proud of you. Your email
helps make my day. Just one
request: As you grow older
(and stronger with profits),
please don't get fat or
complacent. That would really

Steve Grbic
Auckland, NewZealand

We may get older and older,
but our ever-present,
lingering sense of
disappointment in all things
prevents us from getting
complacent. Our moodiness
dictates that we exercise
regularly, which in turn
prevents us from getting fat.

Thus, we shall likely
continue our long tradition
of dissatisfaction and
resentfulness henceforth.

"Good on yer" — is that a
New Zealander thing?

Phony, lonely cacophony,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Hadee Sucke


I suck life Because it's dry
Trying to get some juice So I
can stay high

I finally got a drop My heart
began to stop So I drank a
gallon of SUCK To get a
little laugh

I came back to life And
hugged my wasted wife We went
out for coffee I read the
Insider Out

So what's to do In a life
without you It's a matter of
luck It comes natural to suck

Richard Stocker
Costa Rica

OK, that's a good first
draft, but the rhyme scheme
breaks down in several

Suggested change:

I finally got a drop My heart
began to stop So I drank a
gallon of SUCK *Till my
bladder was fit to pop*

Also, the third stanza, which
involves a wasted wife and
something about coffee and
magazines — we'd like to
cut that one. It's not that
it isn't interesting, it just
doesn't do anything to
develop the life-affirming
themes present in the rest of
your piece.

Thanks so much for
submitting. Your check and
your complimentary Fuck You
Custard Pie are both in the

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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