for 20 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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It's in the Bag I just wanted to say I loved this article. I had to finish it without clicking a single link. A whole level above the usual Suck drivel, although I did draw a blank on "Duchamp or gas huffing," probably because I'm Canadian. It's a shame Seinfeld is no longer in production. The urban sombrero could have just been the beginning. Rock on! Jack Lindsey <Jack@Ottawa.com> I have no doubt it was because you are Canadian. One question: In Canada, wouldn't the correct translation be urban tuque? Ann  Hey, your fashion insights are in the bag. I have one personal story I'd like to add to give your article a sidebar with the real feel of a haute couture directive. Fashion Don't! As the active head of my own in-home child-care program — which includes my own two girls and three others under the age of four — I welcomed the cargo pant as an excellent way to supplement the hideously humiliating stylings of the diaper bag, whose more pared and chic cuts have not yet been transformed into line-by-line copies available to us lowly masses at Target. So I figured by co-opting the cargo pant in the service of the sundry necessities of my small group, I could still carry a mere micro-purse rather than a handy-dandy vinyl monolith covered in teddy bears. I pinned all my naive hopes on the cargo pant, thinking its seemingly discreet cavernousness offered me a chance to lead my charges on a tour of the local swing sets while still exuding the shining, effortless, confident womanliness I was sure must be evident, in spite of being unable to squeeze in a shower before I passed out each night. Well, take it from Mama, thighs and calves protruding with three baby bottles, two sippie cups, a diaper or four, burp clothes, baby wipes, a rattle, a board book, and small first-aid kit somehow do not say, "Chic 1999!" Sure, my homegrown commitment to keeping my children intimate within their own family structure and the entrepreneurial panache of running my own program that allows me as a single parent to keep the entire works afloat without ever leaving home, is about as progressive as it gets as far as taking the parenting route in this late century, but finding the right garments and accessories to scream this out to the world for the validation that cannot be bought is still too progressive for fashion world. So the final scoop is: Let no woman make the blunder of actually using this season's must have cargo pants for anything. That would be so working-class crass! Believe me — I've felt the pain of that Fashion Don't! Lindsay Cook It is Official Suck Policy to never refuse an opportunity to refer to diapers, poop, and "active heads," so of course your letter drew some attention. While we admire your ingenuity in actually trying to use work pants for work, we sigh knowingly nonetheless. The only women who look good in cargo pants are barely off the bottle themselves; child-bearing women find the baggy pockets and billowing fabric multiply the thighs and add pads to areas padded enough already. As for the general issue you raise, we simply nod in agreement: The paucity of (affordable) baby gear that accessories well with a Baby G-Shock is an insult to all the women whose fashion sense stays intact long after the water breaks. Nonetheless, we read your letter with some hope: You are obviously a go-to gal with entrepreneurial instincts as sharp as your eye. There must be a market for cheap, chic child-care carriers, so though you may not be the one to do it, we think that surely you or some like you must be in her basement, building the better bag. Ann I enjoyed your write or rant about bags and the excessorization of our days. I must admit, I read New York, New York in it — or at least East Coast. While completely agreeing with your comments, I have to speak up and say that all those compartments can and will be used. I have one of those and I can and do use all that stuff in all those compartments — and with some regularity. Then again, my bag is nylon and canvas and comes from the hardware store, and I thought it pricey at 25 bucks. All the best, and keep those Suck muscles strong. Kurt Madison <punctum@tctc.com> So you sense I am writing from New York, eh? Tell me, what tipped you off? Was it the numerous links to The New York Observer? Perhaps it was the mysterious name check of Manhattan Portage. Or was it that I let slip a reference to the Prada on Madison Avenue, a well-known street in New York? Never let it be said that Suck readers are not alert — alert and well compartmentalized. Ann O'Tate Subject: Labor Day? What Labor Day? I don't know about you, but I haven't had a Labor Day off since 1993. Neither has anybody I know. Welcome to the Great American Artificial Economic Recovery, where people have traded in their one good job for two or even three crappy ones. Ironically enough, we just might feasibly blame the labor movement for it. By unnecessarily escalating the cost of production while lowering quality overall, labor unions more than had a hand in driving a huge number of American manufacturing jobs to other shores. Today, almost nothing is made in the United States. That which is, is only assembled from parts made elsewhere. Americans now earn their livings by offering support services for those products at less than half their former wages in manufacturing. And when some lucky bastard has a holiday, I have to work my ass off all the harder for it. Fuck Labor Day. Alan in Albuquerque ("Bitter, party of one") <EvlGenius1@ aol.com> How can you simultaneously blame labor unions for escalating wages, thereby driving American manufacturing jobs overseas, while bemoaning the fact that you'd make more in manufacturing (thanks to labor unions) than you do at your support service job? Issues aside, we'd be bitter too if we didn't get Labor Day off. Maybe you should get another job. The luckiest of bastards, the Sucksters Good on yer Sucksters! All the best from the Land of the Long White Cloud on your achievement. As the owner of a small business that is celebrating its second anniversary at exactly the same time, I know how difficult it is to start something new and understand the satisfaction derived from being suckcessful (terrible pun, I know, but I just couldn't help myself). I'm proud of you. Your email helps make my day. Just one request: As you grow older (and stronger with profits), please don't get fat or complacent. That would really suck. Steve Grbic Auckland, NewZealand <steveg@easynet.co.nz> We may get older and older, but our ever-present, lingering sense of disappointment in all things prevents us from getting complacent. Our moodiness dictates that we exercise regularly, which in turn prevents us from getting fat. Thus, we shall likely continue our long tradition of dissatisfaction and resentfulness henceforth. "Good on yer" — is that a New Zealander thing? Phony, lonely cacophony, the Sucksters
Richard Stocker Costa Rica <stocker@sol.racsa.co.cr> OK, that's a good first draft, but the rhyme scheme breaks down in several places.
Also, the third stanza, which involves a wasted wife and something about coffee and magazines — we'd like to cut that one. It's not that it isn't interesting, it just doesn't do anything to develop the life-affirming themes present in the rest of your piece. Thanks so much for submitting. Your check and your complimentary Fuck You Custard Pie are both in the mail. the Sucksters |
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