The Fish
for 16 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


Subject: My dear, sweet
Sucksters

Well, you're all off on a
vacation and doubtless having
the time of your lives. Well,
perhaps not the time of your
lives, but anything that
involves a glass pipe and
some burritos probably can't
be all that bad.

In the meantime, I recline
groggily at my desk, nursing a
hangover that would doubtless
kill a lesser man, and browse
your archives. I think I've
read almost everything Suckly
(whatever happened to
Zero Baud?), and have been duly
amused by this activity. I
believe that you're the only
online magazine to make such
frequent use of the words
apocryphal, screed, and
Zeitgeist. Now don't get me
wrong, because I really do
love you all to bits, but do
you have some sort of
spin-the-wheel system in
place, utilized to choose
from the list of words that
Suck has laid claim to? If
so, I hope you can send me
one. I think it could come in
handy here at the office,
where I often find myself
lapsing into a serenely
numbing state, groping for a
k-rad word to build a rant
around.

But I digress. Not that I
actually stated anything at
the outset from which I could
digress, unless it be your
infamous crack habits. I just
wanted to tell you that while
sniffing the days Fish, I
came across a banner ad. Yes,
yes — this is probably
not an unfamiliar scenario to
you, but this one was for Sun
and featured a version of
Breakout! As memories of a
childhood misspent, one hand
on the joystick and the other
in my pocket (please, the
innuendo really is too easy,
so's the Alanis Morisette
crack) flooded back to me, I
became — and this is the
only word that does it
justice — zombified.
After I put the dot back in
dot com, I realized I'd
forgotten everything I'd read
in Suck today!

This banner ad is obviously
some sort of nefarious plot
from the Man to bring your
riot house down.

I just thought that you
should be warned.

Hugs and kisses,

Liam Black
<lblack@marlborough.ie>

Well, we're just brimming
over with apocryphal
conspiracy theories, aren't
we? Maybe such screeds are
all too inevitable these
days, given the approaching
Zeitgeist.

Just remember, it doesn't
take a zombification process
to forget everything you read
in Suck.

Forgettably,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: The Electric
Boogaloo

I think that I may have
evidence that kids today
indeed are still
break dancing. Real kids too,
not some pasty goober who has
spent the last 15 years
languishing in his parents'
basement, fretting over his
dwindling supply of parachute
pants.

I teach saxophone at a music
store. During a lesson last
week, I asked one of my
junior-high-age students what
he does with his time (since
he obviously isn't spending
it practicing, buying new
reeds, or learning to read
music without having to write
the note names under the
staff). He listed a couple of
activities. Aside from being
interested in "metal and rap"
(point of reference: picture
an African-American Kidd Rock
fan), he said that he and his
sister were trying to learn
how to break dance. I was
skeptical until he mentioned,
without prompting, the
difficulty of getting good
cardboard.

Perhaps this individual is
part of some line of
near-troglodyte stock. But
considering that he lives in
rural Indiana (which has just
discovered quinine and
Richard Marx), it is safe to
assume that any revival of
breaking has preceded this by
at least a year.

MattReynolds
<joodi@mindspring.com>

Hmm. Thanks for that
anthropological tidbit.

We've also heard tell that
men in some parts of North
Carolina are still wearing
acid-wash jeans. Slow
trickle-down, or the first
waves of '80s retro
revivalism? You make the
call.

Finger on the fading pulse of
the dying trend,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Why do people write you such
long letters?

R. F.
<anck_98@yahoo.com>

People write to us from work.
People have time to waste at
work. People feel an
affiliation with us because
we're just as snotty as they
are. People procrastinate in
any way possible. People like
getting published on the Fish
page. People like getting
published, period. Anywhere.
People like to tell us where
to go. People like to tell us
what to do. People like to
tell us what they loved or
hated about what they read.
People like to go on and on
about what they think. We're
living proof of that.

We read all our mail. We
respond to a lot of it. We
like getting a lot of mail,
even after all these years.
Hard to believe, but true.
We're not always sure,
ultimately, why people write
us such long letters, but
we're sure glad they do.

Feeling momentarily grateful,
which is understandably very
disconcerting for us,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

We Are the World Weary

I love Filler. It is one of
the many things that make my
menial job with unlimited
Internet access somewhat more
bearable, and my
uncontrollable snickering
keeps my co-workers wondering
all day long. I look forward
to every Wednesday, with its
hearty injection of cynical
world-weariness and
subsequent resolution brought
to me by a master of the
editorial.

Thank you, thank you, a
million times, thank you!

Vyeto Malesh
<Vytautas.Malesh@fanucrobotics.com>

I think it's really nice how
a lot of readers think that
their laughing and snickering
out loud has their co-workers
wondering what's so funny.
People tend to picture their
co-workers sitting around all
curious, trying to solve the
big mystery.

It's more likely your
co-workers are grinding their
nails into the bottoms of
their desks at the unbearably
familiar sound of your
laughter. More likely, they're
squeezing their eyes shut and
thinking, "GOD if that guy
laughs his stupid laugh one
more time, I'm going to go
over there and punch the
living daylights out of him."

Now there's a hearty
injection of cynical
world-weariness that might
just make you sick rather
than inoculating you against
nihilism.

Heartily,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Marla, Marla, Marla

This installment of Suck
kicks ass!! I know Steve.
I've seen Steve. At times I
have been Steve. But what
about Marla?

You know, the short,
brown-haired girl who takes
some type of attitude no
matter what you say? Marla,
the girl who was cute enough
to go out with but not cute
enough to stay with? Marla,
the girl who snickers and
tells stories of how she was
too good for you when you
dated her but begins to cry
when you introduce her to
your wife and three kids?

Keep up the good work.

David Kolb
<dkolb@tweisel.com>

Are you certain Marla wasn't
cute enough to stay with, or
was she not docile enough to
stay with? Did she take some
type of attitude no matter
what you said, or was she too
smart not to have a critical
opinion about almost
everything, however
irritating that might have
been for ye of differing
opinions? Was Marla crying
because she was jealous of
your wife and those three
beautiful children, or was
she crying because one of
your spoiled brats threw dust
into her eyes?

Aw, forget it. I trust you.
Marla sounds awful.

Steve, on the other hand, is
a face in a mystery cloud.
Steve is the magnet and you
ladies are the steel. Steve
cries like a child but he's
always a woman to me.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Take Off

Polly,

No. Making fun of Canadians
will never, ever get old.
Honestly, I don't like to
make sweeping generalizations
about any culture (OK, I do).
I have nothing against
Canada. I even have a couple
of friends who are Canadian.
All I know is that every
single Canadian I've ever met
and gotten to know (and there
have been quite a few) have
been a few fries short of a
full Happy Meal, including my
Canuck friends. I suppose, if
you can judge people based on
their associations (which I
do, so I just assume
everybody else does too),
that this doesn't say too
much about the strength of my
own faculties, but it doesn't
change the fact that getting
our maple-leaf worshipping
neighbors to the north all
riled up with simple and
seemingly harmless references
to their lack of a real
government or their lame
television programming or
their cute little
not-quite-English,
not-quite-American accents or
... gee, this list could go
on for quite a while. Anyway,
the point is, pissing them
off is just dang funny. I'm
not sure yet if it's so funny
because it's so easy, or
because their attempts at
comebacks are always so lame,
or if the humor operates on a
more base and metaphorical
level, something along the
lines of the football team
making fun of the marching
band and relentlessly
reminding them that they'll
never be as popular because
no matter how many contests
they win or how many national
parades they march in they'll
never be heralded in quite
the same way — or at all,
for that matter.

Nah, I'm pretty sure it's the
first one. So please don't
ever stop making fun of
Canadians. I sure won't.
Mainstream or not, it will
always be funny.

Still bitter over that one
marching band incident,

Jean Cousins

Wow. I'm gonna do you a big
favor, Jean, and refrain from
printing your email address.
Certain people are gonna be
plenty pissed aboot your
email, that's for sure.

But perhaps you've forgotten
that Terrence and Phillip are
Canadian, and that Shredded
Wheat is made in Niagara
Falls, the prettier side of
which belongs to the
Canadians. And where, I ask,
would Hawaiian pizza be
without Canadian bacon?

Time to rethink those hasty
remarks, Jean.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: So, how many
Canadians have you met in
your life?

I'd like to know, before I
comment on your pathetic
attempt at trying to mask
your country's ignorance,
horny president, and racism,
how many Canadians have you
met? How many times have you
been to Canada? Did you know
that it only snows on the
coldest winter days? We get
as much snow as you do. We
invented electricity.

Nicole Griffiths
<ndgriffiths@ home.com>

By insulting Canadians like
you on a regular basis,
we've met more Canadians than
you probably have.

But we've got to give you
serious props for inventing
electricity. What an amazing
invention! How'd you guys
dream that one up? Do you
still hold the patent on it?
And how did Benjamin Franklin
get so much credit for
discovering electricity when
you guys flat-out invented
it?

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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