The Fish
for 14 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

Sucking Again and Again

Subject: Yeah, You Still Suck

I had no idea that I have
been reading you since the
beginning. I remember back
when I used to use you for my
homepage in corporate America
back in '95 so I could say to
everyone who cared to snoop,
"Yeah, that's right. I read
Suck everyday, so I am not
quite like the rest of you
corporate stooges." Now that
I am safely back in my
adopted homeland of
Australia, and have the teat
of the government cash cow
clamped squarely between my
incisors, I find myself
still reading. Could it be
that the missives of the
pissy Polly and the great
cartoons by Terry have me
somehow addicted? Maybe I am
just reading on until the day
when I actually get all the
references made in any one
column. Keep the pipe moving,
Sucksters, and we'll check
the balance sheet in another
four years.


Sucking from the Other Side

You'll never get all the
references! Not if we can
help it!

Have another popover, froggy!

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Re: More Depressing

Here's something that sucks.
Just last year a small,
beautiful child, winner of
multiple Miss Young Texas
beauty pageants, was brutally
raped and murdered by some
guy. JonBenet Ramsey was a
good girl who contributed to
beauty pageants. The man
accused of the crime is a
real creep. He probably
doesn't like niggers, either.
Every one of us has the right
to live in peace and safety
if we are doing no harm in
this world. I enjoy flying
kites. After her death, we
wanted to remember her and to
pay tribute to the positive
things she had done in this
world. We made a Web site with
multiple photos of her
dressed like a slut at
preteen beauty pageants
around the world, flash-cut
with lurid descriptions of
her rape and murder.

I hope you enjoy it.

Demmy Rooster

Thanks, Demmy! It's
reassuring to know we're
still the most popular site
among the mentally disturbed!

Disturbed and disturbing,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Get your spot!!!

We Are the Millionaires in

We sit around in pajamas and
robes and make more money
than most people dream about.
Would you like to see
yourself in this picture?

If so, please reply with
"info" in the subject line.


We see ourselves in that
picture, all right. We have
nappy hair and smelly armpits
and we're dizzy from eating
cold pizza and watching the
food channel for days on end.

Why does everyone think it's
so great to sit around in
their jammies all the time?
It's incredibly depressing.

Depressed already,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Apple Subscription

Thank you for subscribing to
Apple eNews, our free,
bi-weekly email publication.
You have subscribed as

Every other week, we'll send
you a newsletter that will
keep you informed about Apple
products and technologies,
promotions you might find
interesting, and news from
our partners — developers
who extend the capabilities
of Macintosh with great
hardware products and
software applications.

Thanks again. And I hope you
enjoy Apple eNews.

Editor, Apple eNews


Do you know how depressing it
is to stay informed about
Apple products and
technologies when your Apple
computer crashes every three
seconds? We love Apple as
much as the next sucker, and
loathe Windows more than
mealworms, but when push
comes to shove, our love is
more of a liability than
anything else. It's like
loving Woody Allen. Strong
devotion turns to utter
repulsion every time we're
faced with today's Woody. But
what can we do? Manhattan and
the salad days of the Apple
linger in our memories like a
Gershwin tune.

And now we want one of those
tangerine laptops. What's the
world coming to?

Even more depressed,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Happy fourth Suckiversary. The
WSJ, being the best paper in
the world, is the only online
paper I pay for. It's always
been a class act. I want you
to know that is the
only other online rag I
almost agreed to pay for
(remember when you went
through that begging phase?).
You folks have done a stellar
job of providing good lowbrow
humor and social commentary,
particularly on the media.
It's Lewis Lapham–style
whining done right. I'd never
give you a nickel for it, but
I read it every day. I guess
I'm just trying to say that
you women really suck!!


Bob Dionne
Newbury, Vermont

Is the word "women"
meant to serve as
an insult?

Lowbrow, indeed.

Thanks anyway.

Whinily yours,

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Suckiversary

OK, so maybe my last letter
to Polly wasn't so coherent.
I didn't realize when I wrote
it that Suck's fourth
anniversary special was in
fact going to be the next day
— although on a
subconscious level it must
have registered somewhere. I
was too consumed with that
1995 date — that I've
been reading Suck since I was
15 is still something I can't
wrap my mind around. That
postcard with the
grandmother, that will be my
life. I cannot wait for the
moment to come when my breath
will smell like stale ham
slices and this HTML 2.0
daily column will seem older
and more antiquated than,
well, HTML 2.0.

Hey kids, did I ever tell you
about the time I
single-handedly saved the
Internet economy with a daily
text column? No, Mr. Fuddle.
Would you like to hear about
it? No, Mr. Fuddle. I knew
you would!

Not a week goes by, it seems,
without some longtime Suck
reader saying in the Fish
section that, having been
offended by one of your
columns, they will no longer
read. I want to let you know
that, having read Suck since
shortly after its inception,
and having gone through the
entire back-issue archive, I
still love this magazine.
Yes, the EGGs were bad. Yes,
I may get a little annoyed
when you try to character
assassinate the Pope. But I
will not be apostatizing
anytime soon. For my money,
Suck is the finest
publication in the world.

Looking forward to another

Your loyal reader,

Timothy Tolle

You really started reading
Suck when you were 15? Wow,
we do have the power to twist
little minds!

The possibilities are
thrilling us to no end.

Eeeevil veterinarian,

the Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Suck's Fourth


Pitiful. Really. In today's
column you oscillate between
gloating over those of us who
believe a sober Gary Coleman
is funnier and hipper than
the Suck you assembly-line
produce every weekday (and
just wish that you were gone
so the domain name were
available), and your satirical
acknowledgement that maybe,
hmmm, could it be, that the
convoluted articles aren't
funny. Somewhere, I guess,
you do realize you aren't
funny — just not enough
however to get you to improve
your writing.

Oh well. Enjoy your vacation.
When the sun-soaked Sucksters
return, the complaints and
criticisms will resume until
the Sucksters, out of misery,
are left writing freelance
filler for TV Guide.


The Samerri

We're pretty certain TV Guide
would never publish Filler.
But is this where most of the
victims you've studied end up
— writing for TV Guide?
Please send us more
information on this horrible
affliction you're researching
immediately so we can get
help. It's true that
acknowledgement of the
disease is the first step,
but without more information,
we'll have trouble moving
beyond simple admission to

We anxiously await your

the Sucksters
Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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