for 14 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Sucking Again and Again Subject: Yeah, You Still Suck I had no idea that I have been reading you since the beginning. I remember back when I used to use you for my homepage in corporate America back in '95 so I could say to everyone who cared to snoop, "Yeah, that's right. I read Suck everyday, so I am not quite like the rest of you corporate stooges." Now that I am safely back in my adopted homeland of Australia, and have the teat of the government cash cow clamped squarely between my incisors, I find myself still reading. Could it be that the missives of the pissy Polly and the great cartoons by Terry have me somehow addicted? Maybe I am just reading on until the day when I actually get all the references made in any one column. Keep the pipe moving, Sucksters, and we'll check the balance sheet in another four years. Cheers, Sucking from the Other Side You'll never get all the references! Not if we can help it! Have another popover, froggy! Polly  Subject: Re: More Depressing News Here's something that sucks. Just last year a small, beautiful child, winner of multiple Miss Young Texas beauty pageants, was brutally raped and murdered by some guy. JonBenet Ramsey was a good girl who contributed to beauty pageants. The man accused of the crime is a real creep. He probably doesn't like niggers, either. Every one of us has the right to live in peace and safety if we are doing no harm in this world. I enjoy flying kites. After her death, we wanted to remember her and to pay tribute to the positive things she had done in this world. We made a Web site with multiple photos of her dressed like a slut at preteen beauty pageants around the world, flash-cut with lurid descriptions of her rape and murder. I hope you enjoy it. Demmy Rooster <root@treehouse.dyndns.org> Thanks, Demmy! It's reassuring to know we're still the most popular site among the mentally disturbed! Disturbed and disturbing, the Sucksters Subject: Get your spot!!! We Are the Millionaires in Pajamas! We sit around in pajamas and robes and make more money than most people dream about. Would you like to see yourself in this picture? If so, please reply with "info" in the subject line. Judy <unouno@postmaster.co.uk> We see ourselves in that picture, all right. We have nappy hair and smelly armpits and we're dizzy from eating cold pizza and watching the food channel for days on end. Why does everyone think it's so great to sit around in their jammies all the time? It's incredibly depressing. Depressed already, the Sucksters Subject: Apple Subscription Confirmation Thank you for subscribing to Apple eNews, our free, bi-weekly email publication. You have subscribed as suck@suck.com. Every other week, we'll send you a newsletter that will keep you informed about Apple products and technologies, promotions you might find interesting, and news from our partners — developers who extend the capabilities of Macintosh with great hardware products and software applications. Thanks again. And I hope you enjoy Apple eNews. Frank Editor, Apple eNews <Apple_eNews-list @applenews.lists.apple.com> Frank, Do you know how depressing it is to stay informed about Apple products and technologies when your Apple computer crashes every three seconds? We love Apple as much as the next sucker, and loathe Windows more than mealworms, but when push comes to shove, our love is more of a liability than anything else. It's like loving Woody Allen. Strong devotion turns to utter repulsion every time we're faced with today's Woody. But what can we do? Manhattan and the salad days of the Apple linger in our memories like a Gershwin tune. And now we want one of those tangerine laptops. What's the world coming to? Even more depressed, the Sucksters Happy fourth Suckiversary. The WSJ, being the best paper in the world, is the only online paper I pay for. It's always been a class act. I want you to know that Suck.com is the only other online rag I almost agreed to pay for (remember when you went through that begging phase?). You folks have done a stellar job of providing good lowbrow humor and social commentary, particularly on the media. It's Lewis Lapham–style whining done right. I'd never give you a nickel for it, but I read it every day. I guess I'm just trying to say that you women really suck!! Regards, Bob Dionne Newbury, Vermont <dionne@ ontyx.com> Is the word "women" meant to serve as an insult? Lowbrow, indeed. Thanks anyway. Whinily yours, the Sucksters Subject: Suckiversary OK, so maybe my last letter to Polly wasn't so coherent. I didn't realize when I wrote it that Suck's fourth anniversary special was in fact going to be the next day — although on a subconscious level it must have registered somewhere. I was too consumed with that 1995 date — that I've been reading Suck since I was 15 is still something I can't wrap my mind around. That postcard with the grandmother, that will be my life. I cannot wait for the moment to come when my breath will smell like stale ham slices and this HTML 2.0 daily column will seem older and more antiquated than, well, HTML 2.0. Hey kids, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly saved the Internet economy with a daily text column? No, Mr. Fuddle. Would you like to hear about it? No, Mr. Fuddle. I knew you would! Not a week goes by, it seems, without some longtime Suck reader saying in the Fish section that, having been offended by one of your columns, they will no longer read. I want to let you know that, having read Suck since shortly after its inception, and having gone through the entire back-issue archive, I still love this magazine. Yes, the EGGs were bad. Yes, I may get a little annoyed when you try to character assassinate the Pope. But I will not be apostatizing anytime soon. For my money, Suck is the finest publication in the world. Looking forward to another year. Your loyal reader,
Subject: Suck's Fourth Suck, Pitiful. Really. In today's column you oscillate between gloating over those of us who believe a sober Gary Coleman is funnier and hipper than the Suck you assembly-line produce every weekday (and just wish that you were gone so the domain name were available), and your satirical acknowledgement that maybe, hmmm, could it be, that the convoluted articles aren't funny. Somewhere, I guess, you do realize you aren't funny — just not enough however to get you to improve your writing. Oh well. Enjoy your vacation. When the sun-soaked Sucksters return, the complaints and criticisms will resume until the Sucksters, out of misery, are left writing freelance filler for TV Guide. Sincerely, The Samerri We're pretty certain TV Guide would never publish Filler. But is this where most of the victims you've studied end up — writing for TV Guide? Please send us more information on this horrible affliction you're researching immediately so we can get help. It's true that acknowledgement of the disease is the first step, but without more information, we'll have trouble moving beyond simple admission to treatment. We anxiously await your reply. the Sucksters |
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