for 13 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Happy fourth Suckiversary. The WSJ, being the best paper in the world, is the only online paper I pay for. It's always been a class act. I want you to know that Suck.com is the only other online rag I almost agreed to pay for (remember when you went through that begging phase?). You folks have done a stellar job of providing good lowbrow humor and social commentary, particularly on the media. It's Lewis Lapham–style whining done right. I'd never give you a nickel for it, but I read it every day. I guess I'm just trying to say that you women really suck!! Regards, Bob Dionne Newbury, Vermont <dionne@ ontyx.com> Is the word "women" meant to serve as an insult? Lowbrow, indeed. Thanks anyway. Whinily yours, the Sucksters  Subject: Suckiversary OK, so maybe my last letter to Polly wasn't so coherent. I didn't realize when I wrote it that Suck's fourth anniversary special was in fact going to be the next day — although on a subconscious level it must have registered somewhere. I was too consumed with that 1995 date — that I've been reading Suck since I was 15 is still something I can't wrap my mind around. That postcard with the grandmother, that will be my life. I cannot wait for the moment to come when my breath will smell like stale ham slices and this HTML 2.0 daily column will seem older and more antiquated than, well, HTML 2.0. Hey kids, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly saved the Internet economy with a daily text column? No, Mr. Fuddle. Would you like to hear about it? No, Mr. Fuddle. I knew you would! Not a week goes by, it seems, without some longtime Suck reader saying in the Fish section that, having been offended by one of your columns, they will no longer read. I want to let you know that, having read Suck since shortly after its inception, and having gone through the entire back-issue archive, I still love this magazine. Yes, the EGGs were bad. Yes, I may get a little annoyed when you try to character assassinate the Pope. But I will not be apostatizing anytime soon. For my money, Suck is the finest publication in the world. Looking forward to another year. Your loyal reader,
Subject: Suck's Fourth Suck, Pitiful. Really. In today's column you oscillate between gloating over those of us who believe a sober Gary Coleman is funnier and hipper than the Suck you assembly-line produce every weekday (and just wish that you were gone so the domain name were available), and your satirical acknowledgement that maybe, hmmm, could it be, that the convoluted articles aren't funny. Somewhere, I guess, you do realize you aren't funny — just not enough however to get you to improve your writing. Oh well. Enjoy your vacation. When the sun-soaked Sucksters return, the complaints and criticisms will resume until the Sucksters, out of misery, are left writing freelance filler for TV Guide. Sincerely, The Samerri We're pretty certain TV Guide would never publish Filler. But is this where most of the victims you've studied end up — writing for TV Guide? Please send us more information on this horrible affliction you're researching immediately so we can get help. It's true that acknowledgement of the disease is the first step, but without more information, we'll have trouble moving beyond simple admission to treatment. We anxiously await your reply. the Sucksters More Insults! Subject: Get a life. I've lived like a monk for years because of depression, and you need Prozac worse than me. Being cynical stopped being
Hey, I love your articles and comments, but really, do you feel the need to just insult for the hell of it? I mean, really, why is Garth Brooks a stooge? Because it is cool to insult a country artist? I hope you're above doing what's cool. Geez, isn't that what you do when you're um, 12? Peter Spaziano <joeypasta@hotmail.com> Have you ever noticed that your name has the word spaz in it? Have an awesome summer vacation! Stay sweet! the Sucksters Suckiversary Subject: Fourth Suckiversary When Suck was born, I was about to reenter college after taking a year "off" at the request of the dean. I was 21. I hated the school's administration, my parents, myself, my girlfriend, the government, society, religion, fly fishing, and the media. Especially the media. Two years later I started reading Suck on a dare from a former friend. Now I hate everything. Good job, Sucksters. As H. Anson Lang once said, "Let's keep the party going." Michael Clausen <mclausen@illusionfusion.com> Thank you, Michael. Rest assured that other heartwarming stories just like yours keep pouring in by the minute. Happy fourth anniversary! I've enjoyed reading your vitriolic commentary on the wackiness of postmodern culture ever since stumbling across your Ugly American Hit and Run, whenever that was. Why are there 29-cent stamps on these postcards? Postcards only need 20 cents of postage. No wonder it took you so long to start making money. Love and rickets, Jason Reynolds <the-finch@>angelfire.com> Way to support your local post office, buddy. Why do you think those poor mailmen and women are so disgruntled? Because they're underpaid. We aim to do whatever we can to ease their pain. The term "going postal" gained widespread popularity thanks to people like you. Going postal, the Sucksters |
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