The Fish
for 13 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Happy fourth Suckiversary. The
WSJ, being the best paper in
the world, is the only online
paper I pay for. It's always
been a class act. I want you
to know that Suck.com is the
only other online rag I
almost agreed to pay for
(remember when you went
through that begging phase?).
You folks have done a stellar
job of providing good lowbrow
humor and social commentary,
particularly on the media.
It's Lewis Lapham–style
whining done right. I'd never
give you a nickel for it, but
I read it every day. I guess
I'm just trying to say that
you women really suck!!

Regards,

Bob Dionne
Newbury, Vermont
<dionne@ ontyx.com>

Is the word "women"
meant to serve as
an insult?

Lowbrow, indeed.

Thanks anyway.

Whinily yours,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Suckiversary

OK, so maybe my last letter
to Polly wasn't so coherent.
I didn't realize when I wrote
it that Suck's fourth
anniversary special was in
fact going to be the next day
— although on a
subconscious level it must
have registered somewhere. I
was too consumed with that
1995 date — that I've
been reading Suck since I was
15 is still something I can't
wrap my mind around. That
postcard with the
grandmother, that will be my
life. I cannot wait for the
moment to come when my breath
will smell like stale ham
slices and this HTML 2.0
daily column will seem older
and more antiquated than,
well, HTML 2.0.

Hey kids, did I ever tell you
about the time I
single-handedly saved the
Internet economy with a daily
text column? No, Mr. Fuddle.
Would you like to hear about
it? No, Mr. Fuddle. I knew
you would!

Not a week goes by, it seems,
without some longtime Suck
reader saying in the Fish
section that, having been
offended by one of your
columns, they will no longer
read. I want to let you know
that, having read Suck since
shortly after its inception,
and having gone through the
entire back-issue archive, I
still love this magazine.
Yes, the EGGs were bad. Yes,
I may get a little annoyed
when you try to character
assassinate the Pope. But I
will not be apostatizing
anytime soon. For my money,
Suck is the finest
publication in the world.

Looking forward to another
year.

Your loyal reader,

Timothy Tolle
<tim@awi888.com>

You really started reading
Suck when you were 15? Wow,
we do have the power to twist
little minds!

The possibilities are
thrilling us to no end.

Eeeevil veterinarian,

the Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Suck's Fourth

Suck,

Pitiful. Really. In today's
column you oscillate between
gloating over those of us who
believe a sober Gary Coleman
is funnier and hipper than
the Suck you assembly-line
produce every weekday (and
just wish that you were gone
so the domain name were
available), and your satirical
acknowledgement that maybe,
hmmm, could it be, that the
convoluted articles aren't
funny. Somewhere, I guess,
you do realize you aren't
funny — just not enough
however to get you to improve
your writing.

Oh well. Enjoy your vacation.
When the sun-soaked Sucksters
return, the complaints and
criticisms will resume until
the Sucksters, out of misery,
are left writing freelance
filler for TV Guide.

Sincerely,

The Samerri

We're pretty certain TV Guide
would never publish Filler.
But is this where most of the
victims you've studied end up
— writing for TV Guide?
Please send us more
information on this horrible
affliction you're researching
immediately so we can get
help. It's true that
acknowledgement of the
disease is the first step,
but without more information,
we'll have trouble moving
beyond simple admission to
treatment.

We anxiously await your
reply.

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

More Insults!

Subject: Get a life. I've
lived like a monk for years
because of depression, and
you need Prozac worse
than me.

Being cynical stopped being
hip when people found out
that Kurt Cobain had either
killed himself or had been
murdered by a power-hungry
wife. There were no options
there; just plain, pure
unhappiness.

I get the feeling that y'all
are going through the geek
version of what original fans
of cult fave bands go through
when the objects of their
affection get popular. This
great format for social
development and
experimentation has boomed
into the corporate world, and
you feel like the social
pioneers are getting pushed
to the side by big business.
I don't think that is true, I
just think that the greatest
fame goes to the sites with
the broadest based marketing
scheme. And since the average
IQ is about 100, a lot of the
content is geared toward
primates. I don't think that
the number of intelligent
sites has decreased; there is
just a lot more monkey shit
to wade through.

I'm not trying to be critical
of what Suck.com does. My
comments are based on a brief
first impression that is
essentially good, but Jesus
Christ, grow the fuck up
— the world is a much
better place when you aren't
convinced that everyone but
yourself is an idiot. You
people are obviously too
smart for that.

Brian Murray
<brianm@brianm.com>

Perhaps you should have
geared your letter toward
primates, because we can't
tell what you're trying to
say.

It's a nice subject line,
though. You might be less
depressed if you stopped
living like a monk. What
sadistic bastard told you
that dressing like Obi Wan
and listening to male voices
enhanced by "cathedral"
reverb would brighten your
mood?

Dressing like Lando and
listening to no one, least of
all the clinically depressed,

the Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hey,

I love your articles and
comments, but really, do you
feel the need to just insult
for the hell of it?

I mean, really, why is Garth
Brooks a stooge? Because it
is cool to insult a country
artist? I hope you're above
doing what's cool. Geez,
isn't that what you do when
you're um, 12?

Peter Spaziano
<joeypasta@hotmail.com>

Have you ever noticed that
your name has the word spaz
in it?

Have an awesome summer
vacation! Stay sweet!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Suckiversary

Subject: Fourth Suckiversary

When Suck was born, I was
about to reenter college
after taking a year "off" at
the request of the dean.

I was 21. I hated the
school's administration, my
parents, myself, my
girlfriend, the government,
society, religion, fly
fishing, and the media.
Especially the media.

Two years later I started
reading Suck on a dare from a
former friend.

Now I hate everything.

Good job, Sucksters.

As H. Anson Lang once said,
"Let's keep the party going."

Michael Clausen
<mclausen@illusionfusion.com>

Thank you, Michael. Rest
assured that other
heartwarming stories just
like yours keep pouring in by
the minute.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Happy fourth anniversary!
I've enjoyed reading your
vitriolic commentary on the
wackiness of postmodern
culture ever since stumbling
across your Ugly American Hit
and Run, whenever that was.

Why are there 29-cent stamps
on these postcards? Postcards
only need 20 cents of
postage. No wonder it took
you so long to start making
money.

Love and rickets,

Jason Reynolds
<the-finch@>angelfire.com>

Way to support your local
post office, buddy. Why do
you think those poor mailmen
and women are so disgruntled?
Because they're underpaid. We
aim to do whatever we can to
ease their pain.

The term "going postal" gained
widespread popularity thanks
to people like you.

Going postal,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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to Suck
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