The Fish
for 10 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


More Insults!

Subject: Get a life. I've
lived like a monk for years
because of depression, and
you need Prozac worse
than me.

Being cynical stopped being
hip when people found out
that Kurt Cobain had either
killed himself or had been
murdered by a power-hungry
wife. There were no options
there; just plain, pure
unhappiness.

I get the feeling that y'all
are going through the geek
version of what original fans
of cult fave bands go through
when the objects of their
affection get popular. This
great format for social
development and
experimentation has boomed
into the corporate world, and
you feel like the social
pioneers are getting pushed
to the side by big business.
I don't think that is true, I
just think that the greatest
fame goes to the sites with
the broadest based marketing
scheme. And since the average
IQ is about 100, a lot of the
content is geared toward
primates. I don't think that
the number of intelligent
sites has decreased; there is
just a lot more monkey shit
to wade through.

I'm not trying to be critical
of what Suck.com does. My
comments are based on a brief
first impression that is
essentially good, but Jesus
Christ, grow the fuck up
— the world is a much
better place when you aren't
convinced that everyone but
yourself is an idiot. You
people are obviously too
smart for that.

Brian Murray
<brianm@brianm.com>

Perhaps you should have
geared your letter toward
primates, because we can't
tell what you're trying to
say.

It's a nice subject line,
though. You might be less
depressed if you stopped
living like a monk. What
sadistic bastard told you
that dressing like Obi Wan
and listening to male voices
enhanced by "cathedral"
reverb would brighten your
mood?

Dressing like Lando and
listening to no one, least of
all the clinically depressed,

the Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hey,

I love your articles and
comments, but really, do you
feel the need to just insult
for the hell of it?

I mean, really, why is Garth
Brooks a stooge? Because it
is cool to insult a country
artist? I hope you're above
doing what's cool. Geez,
isn't that what you do when
you're um, 12?

Peter Spaziano
<joeypasta@hotmail.com>

Have you ever noticed that
your name has the word spaz
in it?

Have an awesome summer
vacation! Stay sweet!

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Suckiversary

Subject: Fourth Suckiversary

When Suck was born, I was
about to reenter college
after taking a year "off" at
the request of the dean.

I was 21. I hated the
school's administration, my
parents, myself, my
girlfriend, the government,
society, religion, fly
fishing, and the media.
Especially the media.

Two years later I started
reading Suck on a dare from a
former friend.

Now I hate everything.

Good job, Sucksters.

As H. Anson Lang once said,
"Let's keep the party going."

Michael Clausen
<mclausen@illusionfusion.com>

Thank you, Michael. Rest
assured that other
heartwarming stories just
like yours keep pouring in by
the minute.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Happy fourth anniversary!
I've enjoyed reading your
vitriolic commentary on the
wackiness of postmodern
culture ever since stumbling
across your Ugly American Hit
and Run, whenever that was.

Why are there 29-cent stamps
on these postcards? Postcards
only need 20 cents of
postage. No wonder it took
you so long to start making
money.

Love and rickets,

Jason Reynolds
<the-finch@>angelfire.com>

Way to support your local
post office, buddy. Why do
you think those poor mailmen
and women are so disgruntled?
Because they're underpaid. We
aim to do whatever we can to
ease their pain.

The term "going postal" gained
widespread popularity thanks
to people like you.

Going postal,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler: Writers Who Think

Polly,

Your email address best
summarizes — in Arnold
action speech — today's
column: polly suck.

Maybe ... I don't know ...
call me Al Gore ... but it
seems to me that you're
trying to be funny. Right?
I'm sure it's difficult to
produce one column every
three or four days. (You have
a life, too, right?) But, uh,
maybe, I don't know, you
could try a little harder?

As always,

The Samerri
PublicPC
<PublicPc@loc.gov>

Are you working on a research
project pertaining to writers
who try to be funny but fall
pathetically short of their
goal? I'd love to know more
about your project. Please be
sure to share with me any new
information you uncover on
this horrible affliction and
any drug trials or possible
treatments that are currently
under investigation.

Trying to keep a positive
attitude despite the
circumstances,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Since my new job involves
sitting at a computer all
day, I've started reading
Suck again. I just wanted to
express my appreciation for
your work, especially the
urban hipster/indie
rock/indie film columns. I
just moved to Washington, DC,
after spending four years at
a small liberal arts college
nowhere near a city. And now
I'm reading Filler and
thinking, "Of course! Urban
hipsters are really annoying!
Thank god that's not me with
my Cat Power records and
friends making indie films
and wearing big platform
shoes and capri pants ... er
... shit ... but we're better
than that." Yeah, right.
Living in the city
immediately gave me this
hyper-awareness of class and
status, which I suppose, does
really ugly things to one's
personality and fosters a
great deal of resentment.
It's been lots of fun
reading; I hope not to become
too much of a walking
cliché.

Thanks.

Sarah Loff
<sarahl@Chadwyck.com>

Actually, there's a
hyper-awareness you inherit
after years of living among
and observing urban hipster
societies that is rife with
careful distinctions meant to
separate the wheat from the
hops ... or something. For
example: Are your friends
making indie films or
talking about making indie
films? Or are your friends
actually making short student
films or just talking about
making short student films?
Are they working with a
documentary filmmaker or
talking to a documentary
filmmaker about possibly
working with him or her
later? Or are they talking
about talking about working
with a documentary filmmaker
while actually doing nothing
more than sitting around
watching Dawson's Creek and
eating Mallo cups?

God, I love Mallo cups. Can I
be your friend?

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Sorry you couldn't get
published in nondigital
media.

Step 26: Find a Web site that
will post your bitter,
insecure whimperings.

Regards,

Trevor Coe
<trevor.coe@multex.com>

Trevor, I know how you feel.
I used to be angry at the
world just like you. But boy,
did my life change when I
finally found a Web site that
would post my bitter,
insecure whimperings!

Now go out there and find one
of your own! You can do it,
boy!

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


You might try looking for
work as a receptionist or
maybe as a fast food
technician. As a writer, you
blow.

redfish
<redfish@redshift.com>

I was a receptionist for a
day, actually, at an
accounting firm called
Coopers and Lybrand. I kept
mispronouncing the name of
the company, which is really
a pretty horrible mistake, if
you think about it. Also,
when people called and asked
where someone was, instead of
saying, "He's in a meeting,"
I'd often say, "He just left
with his secretary. They said
something about lunch, but I
heard them whispering about a
hotel down the street...."
Just joking. I was way too
nervous to speak in full
sentences that day. I usually
only managed to mumble,
defensively and rather
mysteriously, "I don't know
where he is," a response
which probably had about the
same effect.

I haven't served fast food,
but I was a waitress once. My
specialty was checking back
with each table way too many
times during the course of
the meal to make sure
everything was OK. By the end
of the meal, the patrons were
invariably shooting me angry
looks, and my tips were way
below the current standard. I
also liked to forget things
completely or spill stuff all
over people, then apologize
awkwardly and profusely until
everyone was just so
embarrassed and uncomfortable
that the meal was completely
ruined.

Considering the alternatives,
I think you'll agree I'm
doing the least damage to the
general welfare in my current
position.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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