The Fish
for 2 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


Hit & Run

I very much enjoyed your
latest Hit and Run, the
interview being my absolute
favorite. It amuses me that
even in his fight for
independence, Chief Hypocrite,
or whoever, still succumbs to
good ol' Hollywood. A man's
got to make a living, right?
I can't blame him, but it
just seems fitting. So if and
when they gain independence,
is he going to become a
foreign film star or what?

I thought he was brilliant in
Thomas and the Magic
Railroad,
BTW.

Nacho
<senornacho@geocities.com>

"Chief Hypocrite" was
fighting The Man before you
were even an itch in your
dad's pants, señor.
Considering how many
Hollywood westerns had
Indians played by Sicilians
(or in the case of The
Searchers
Chief Scar was
played by the Berlin-born
Heinrich von Kleinbach), it's
only fair that a guy like
Russell Means make a little
jing from Hollywood.

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Suck,

I love reading your witty
views on different things
every day, especially with all
the cool visuals. My only
problem is that I find the
format of "not a lot of words
per line" kind of annoying to
read. I have to constantly
scroll down. Is there a way
you could add another regular
type format?

Ashish Shetty
<ashetty@andover.edu>

No.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I don't watch movies or TV
very much, so I don't know if
you're pulling my leg.

I just thought it was an
interview with an angry guy
until you started rolling
with the questions about
acting in movies, etc. Come
on!!? A guy that hates the
American establishment takes
direction from somebody in
Hollywood?

And if you did go to a
reservation with a casino,
how could you tell if the odd
man out was a Canadian or a
white guy (assuming he wasn't
wearing a toque)?

Kent Milani
<milanik@processing.ersgroup.com>

If he's Canadian, the odd man
out will end every sentence
with the phrase "... but I'm
not from the United States;
I'm Canadian."

And don't say you don't watch
TV or movies. It throws off
the statistics.


Mega-opichi-meegwetch
(thanks) for the
interview with Russell Means.
It is opportunities like this
that allow the general
population(s) to learn about
our issues. As a Native north
of the 49th parallel (after
all, my ancestors did travel
across this continent), I was
pleased and keenly interested
to learn about the intentions
of my relations to the south.
Usually printed media, unless
published by our own people,
doesn't allow for full
discourse of the issues at
hand — we get to talking
semantics. Anyway, thanks for
spreading this news. Although
I usually read your page for
humor, it's good to see that
you take on serious issues
from time to time. (I have
only subscribed for a couple
months now.)

Denise Bouchard
<debchrd@cancom.net>

Mega-opichi-meegwetch right
back atcha. You might find
that Means' opinions get
rather short shrift even in
media printed by The People.
But you've got to give him
one thing: He's colorful.

Yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Talk about no sense of humor!
The appropriately named
Russell Means is doing
himself and his cause a great
injustice by being such a
rude bastard. His obnoxious,
sophomoric "come backs" and
post-PC posturing is just so
ridiculous. Thanks again for
humorously exposing the
depths to which people sink.

Nina Gregory
<ninag3@corp.earthlink.net>

I don't know, Nina. I was
actually sort of pleased to
see that Means is still full
of piss and vinegar. His
autobiography ended with some
talk about anger management
and having gotten his temper
under control; it's good to
know he can still hand out
ass-kickings (as is well
known by the Navajo Supreme
Court, where Means is
currently fighting
extradition on assault
charges).

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The reason Americans "chomp
blithely" on said foods is
that the FDA has actually
made it ILLEGAL to label
foods as not-genetically
altered (I'm sure you
remember the brouhaha over
BGH). The government knows
Americans wouldn't touch the
stuff with a stick if there
was anyway of their knowing
what to buy.

A large part of the trade war
with Europe was over this.
Europeans didn't want to be
guinea pigs for large
chemical companies and the US
biotech industry. Eventually
the United States caved a
little bit, allowing the
Europeans to label which
foods were genetically
altered (opening Europe to
"free market forces" and
"allowing consumers to decide
for themselves," a goal that
apparently carries no weight
here. This particular example
of our heroes on Capital Hill,
striking another blow for
freedom, is just dripping
with irony).

Since protection of the
consumer can't possibly be
offered as an explanation of
this policy (he must be
stopped before he cuts
himself out of this
incredible deal!), some of us
would see it as yet another
underhanded subsidy for US
high technology (à la
stealth). But given the way
you terated the Indian, I
guess you'd rather not hear
it.

Joe!
<jhammerm@astro.ocis.temple.edu>

ZZZZZZZ! Wha'? Oh, sorry,
Joe, I just dozed off with my
face in the seedless winter
cantaloupe.

"... the way you terated the
Indian?" Did you read the
interview?

Yr pal,

BarTel

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I am really confused and
concerned by Russell Means'
comment that there are no
black people on reservations.
An African-American friend of
the family worked as a doctor
heading the tribal public
health outreach program in an
eastern casino. We asked him
about the Native Americans,
and he said that most white
people would categorize them
as black because they were,
in some cases,
African-American and only
one-eighth Native American,
etc. The majority of the
tribe had some
African-American ancestry. As
far as I know, this is common
throughout all or most of the
tribes in the southern United
States, with only the western
tribes, albeit the largest
tribes, keeping more
genetically pure. I felt
Russell's comments couldn't
go by without some comment.

As for your odd support of
the eco-psychotics, I can
only say that another friend
of the family lost 10 years
of his research and checked
himself into a mental
hospital after his
genetically engineered corn,
meant to help curb Third
World hunger and produce
stronger plants, was
destroyed by thinly veiled
luddite fascists. Had he
created the same product
organically, a process that
would have taken 50 to 100
years instead of 10, the same
eco-terrorists would have
left him alone and maybe even
used his organic
genetically altered corn as
an example of curbing Third
World hunger. It makes you
want to read that Onion
article ostensibly by the
16-year-old farm boy again
and again until it all sinks
in. Your kids can get blue
eyes one of two ways: by
genetic alteration or by you
fucking a blue-eyed person.
Either way, it's the same
exact result.

Don Smith
<dsmith@>qrc.com>

Last week, in comments before
the Navajo Supreme Court,
Means' own lawyer noted that
there are more non-Indians
than Indians living on Indian
reservations and that
therefore his client should
not be subject to the courts
of another tribe. Go figure.

Not fucking any blue-eyed
people,

the Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Let's look at the
results of pot use

Scientific studies are but
one source of info on
marijuana.We have seen so
many "junk science" reports
floating around that they
cannot be relied upon as a
definitive answer to the drug
issue.The fact is that
scientists are human and have
just as many prejudices as
the rest of us.

Let's look at the results of
marijuana use. All the
admitted pot smokers I have
met on the Internet appear to
have certain characteristics
in common: They are
immature, illogical, and
incapable of discussing
things in a calm, adult
manner.They appear to be
totally obsessed with weed to
the exclusion of other
issues. They babble
incessantly about things
that appear to have no
relation to the subject under
discussion.

I myself have read of several
studies which indicate that
long term use of marijuana
leads to permanent changes in
brain chemistry. Most studies
indicate that the byproducts
of marijuana use remain in
the bloodstream
permanently. That's enough for
me; I won't touch the stuff.

Joe Bruno
<Arusski@webtv.net>

Once we were young like you,
Joe. Such days! Out on
seaside jaunts in our straw
boatmen's hats, we whistled,
"Hey Fiddle! Hey Fiddle!" at
the young ladies with their
matronly chaperones and drank
bathtub gin with the brothers
of Bones. When I graduated
from old DeQuincy, my father
called me into his study,
handed me his watch and fob
and an envelope full of
greenbacks, and told me,
"Son, this is yours to use as
wisely or as foolishly as you
see fit." I used half of it
to buy myself a Roadster and
put the other half into stock
in His Master's Voice. The
market was humming and
jumping like a Negro band in
those days. A year later, by
God, I was rich!

Youth! Youth! How buoyant are
thy hopes! They turn, like
marigolds, toward the sunny
side.

It's all gone now, blasted
and seared with age. You kids
don't know lickspit about the
world. "Businessman, come
drink my wine," you sing,
"Come and dig my herb." It's
all beer, skittles, and toad-
licking to you, with your
"Be-ins" and "Happenings."
Oh, you'll learn!

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler

Polly:

I think you are tops. There
is one thing about you,
however, that I find
confusing and alarming.
Whenever you face to your
right, your hair is parted on
the left side, and when you
face to the left, your hair
is parted on the right side.
How do you do it?

Yrs,

Scott Dolan
<Sadolan@aol.com>

It's an ancient Chinese
secret.

Actually, I never even
noticed that. I must be
possessed!

Confused and alarmed,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Ants a-prancin'

Polly:

I hope that scenario with the
ants caving in to lethal
threats really happened. I
believe that if you explain
to pests that there are very
clear conditions related to
their continued existence or
utter destruction, they will
fall into line with insect
precision.

I have such a relationship
with roaches in the
apartment: They are free to
live with me, but if I see
them, they die. It's very
simple. There was a colony
behind the stove when I moved
in, and these punks didn't
like the arrangement. So they
died ... oh, how they died!
Most were crushed by my
barely touched copy of
Infinite Jest, natch.

Finally, one emerged that at
first I thought was covered
in dust, as it was strangely
white. Then, as it scuttled
around, I realized it was
TRANSPARENT! It was some kind
of freak albino god-roach!
Obviously, it was the shaman
of the colony or priest-king
or something. I destroyed him
with the footnoted might of
David Foster Wallace, and the
colony withered on the vine
and now troubles me no more.

Certainly there's still the
odd palmetto bug that
appears, forlorn and confused
on the linoleum before
vengeance descends, and I
imagine there are grizzled
old veteran roaches, deep in
the walls, shaking their
heads in disappointment at
the brash newcomer who
couldn't live by the rules.

It sure would be great if I
could exert this kind of
control over my personal
life. It's a sad state of
affairs when the roaches are
more cooperative than friends
and lovers. Nobody else ever
understands the clear
conditions related to their
continued existence or
destruction.

Chris Mohney
<cmohney@menasha.cncoffice.com>

Maybe you need to submit your
terms to people, so they're
absolutely clear on what will
get them killed and what will
save them from your
vengeance. In order to be
understood, Chris, you have
to communicate with others
and let them know your
expectations, your feelings,
and all the limitations of
your clearly handicapped
emotional state.

Forlorn and confused on the
linoleum,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

Oh my goodness, I'm amazed
you printed my letter! I'm so
happy I could pee myself!!!
Were the other letters really
that bad? This makes two
printed letters now. Now I'm
having all this guilt about
not buying that Suck T-shirt
earlier. I suppose for
someone raised Methodist,
this is as close to a
Catholic-level guilt as it
gets. OK, well that was
interesting. Anyway.

Gregory Pyatt
<gpyatt@uclink4.berkeley.edu>

Forget the T-shirt. Send
expensive gifts or cash
prizes.

<sincere look of drooly avarice>

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I was so excited when I saw
your mention of rabbits in
the 3 August Filler. Imagine
my disappointment when, in
the last frame, you had what
appeared to be another of
Terry's excellent renderings
of the infamous Canadian
crack-smoking rabbit ... sans
crack pipe! What gives? Your
fans deserve better.

Disappointedly,

Ben Miller
<benmiller@email.com>

Look. The Canadian crack
rabbit still exists because
... well, big rabbits are
always kind of vaguely
amusing. But mostly the crack
rabbit is a tradition, and
like any tradition, however
worthless it might be, it's
upheld over the years because
... well, we forget why, but
we don't forget to remember
the tradition itself.

Having said as much, crack is
over. "I'm on crack, our
channel is like E! on crack,
stop smoking crack, buddy":
All are overplayed, very bad
jokes. Remember when everyone
was saying, "Seeeeeeee ya!"?
And then it was on national
commercials and it was truly,
painfully unfunny? Remember
when everyone was doing the
Macarena? Why, I saw an ad
for a major car company (not
Skittles or some lame MTV
brand) that ended with the
line, "What's up with that?"
Do these things make you
slightly nauseous? I'm not
saying I'm so incredibly hip.
All I'm saying is crack jokes
aren't funny anymore. I like
the rabbit, but the crack
part is not so tremendously
zany. It never was, to be
honest. The Canadian part is
still chuckle-inducing, kind
of ... But even that's been
mainstreamed by South Park
and Co. But then, will making
fun of Canadians ever get
old?

Oh, who gives a shit, really?

Thank you, uncle fucker!

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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