The Fish
for 30 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude)
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

I Got a Friend in Jesus

Subject: Intelligence

You're intelligent in
someone's view I suppose, but
although you probably read a
little, you are surprisingly


This is the most accurate
fortune cookie I've ever
read! Are you also the guy
who wrote, "Help! I'm being
held prisoner in a fortune
cookie factory!"? That one
was pretty good, too, though
in a different way.


Fish With Letter Icon

I guess the old adage "If it
looks too good to be true, it
probably is" still wins out.
Case in point: When I started
receiving the Internet
subscription to more
than eight months ago, I was
pleasantly surprised to
observe that not only were
the daily articles witty and
entertaining, they were also
factually accurate. Obviously
there's a good bit of sarcasm
thrown in, and exaggerations
are often used to drive a
point home, but these have
always been easy to recognize
as such. I was overjoyed to
have found an 'alternate'
news source that points out
societal ills with such

It was too good to last.

The article for 16 August,
titled "I Got a Friend in
Jesus," shattered my hopes
that I had at last found a
news source I could totally
agree with. Nowhere in the
article did I find a section
that accurately described the
difference between the
"religious right" (or
Christian fundamentalists)
and the cults that are the
prime target of the article.
The paragraph containing the
joke "... Those
fundamentalists are
pantywaists ..." did nothing
at all to correct a reader's
potential misconception of
the differences involved.
Basically, you didn't know
what you were talking about,
so you opted for a quick
one-laugh joke that jibed at
everyone instead of taking
time to do some actual
research and provide readers
with an intelligently written

Don't get me wrong: This
email is NOT promoting the
Christian Identity movement
or the World Church movement.
Both of these groups are
racist hate groups and should
be condemned as such.
Unfortunately, their names
contain buzzwords that could
cause an unwary reader to
suppose these groups are part
of the mainstream religion
Christianity. Nothing could
be further from the truth! As
a Christian myself, I say
outright that those groups'
actions go totally against my
beliefs! How sad that your
article, while mainly right
on track, did not impede but
rather enhanced the
misconception that all
Christian believers and
church goers are racist,
hateful, and bigoted. Indeed,
according to your article,
the only difference between
me and the Christian Identity
cult is that we "are riven by
a major doctrinal tiff over
the rapture." This remark
shows your utter lack of any
basic knowledge of Christian
church doctrine. It would
have been better had you left
out this paragraph completely
from your article.

I hope you realize your
mistake here was not that you
poked fun at "my religion."
Indeed, there have always
been and always will be
legitimate problems with any
church organized by human
beings because we are all
fallible. I would not be
complaining if you were
joking about a legitimate
societal ill centered in the
church. My complaint is that
your joke promoted a
falsehood that hurts everyone
who reads it, Christians and
nonbelievers alike. Be
careful: Don't let your
desire to be humorous
overpower your need for


Mark McLane

While contempt for
Christianity is quite common
in many American social
circles, I didn't believe it
necessary to beat people over
the head with the idea that
most Christians don't believe
that Jews are the lineal
descendents of Satan. I
thought it well understood.
I'm sorry that even some
Christians don't find it so.


Fish With Letter Icon

I was rather sorry to see the
World Church of the Creator
described as being
"Neo-Nietzschean" in Monday's
Suck. What does it have to do
with Nietzsche? And what does
Nietzsche have to do with it?
This sort of unwarranted
association could only come
from a hormone-blinded,
teenaged reading of the
philosopher, where ignorance
sticks the formula in the
reader's mind that
"tough-sounding and German
must mean fascist or Nazi."

Hey, you may have lots of
company in this prejudice,
but that makes it no less of
a prejudice.


Indeed, while unintended, it
is possible to read prejudice
against Nietzsche in that
statement, which was meant to
provide a rough understanding
based on general beliefs
about Nietzsche's stances. I
apologize for my unintended
slight to all Nietzscheans
and beg them, in the manner
of a sheeplike untermensch,
to spare me the brutal
punishment I so clearly


Fish With Letter Icon


You say this: "... (Hoskins'
manifesto) demonstrates a
merry cluelessness about
nationality, religion,
vocabulary, and writing."

And then you write this:
"Christians are not
proselytizers, convert
makers, speakers in tongues
who seek to unite all people
under the cross. Christians
are a tribe apart whose
priority is to protect good
genes, not spread the Good

It looks like you've caught a
touch of the merry
cluelessness yourself.


Ryan Johnson

Uh, I guess that means the
second section is a
paraphrase of Hoskins'
philosophy, not the opinion
of the author. You must have
been a real powerhouse in
those reading comprehension

Fish With Letter Icon

I bet you're a big Lee Marvin
fan, aren't you?

Alex Corovic

Not really, but I just
loooove creamed corn!


Fish With Letter Icon

"A dull tautology, perhaps,
but it has an interesting
corollary: "

Phrases like this make me get
up in the morning. Thank you.

Dave Carroll

PS Were you a math major?

Phrases like that keep me
up all night. My degree is a
private matter between me
and my graduate advisor.


Fish With Letter Icon
The Spy Who Sautéed

"... their emphasis on
shock-value gags and the
obscene squishiness of the
human body ultimately unites
them," wrote Huck.

But was he writing about the
American cinema since 1990 or
popular American music?

Nathan Fleming

PS How about the Shockingly
Valuable versus Obscenely
Squishy chart?

Well, that was the American
cinema version. But I guess
the musical equivalent is
Pranksta Rap, that hot new
underground genre that sets
classic adolescent phone gags
to your favorite No Limit

And yes, that's an excellent
idea for a chart....

G. Beato

Fish With Letter Icon

More Depressing News

Here's something that sucks.
On 1 July 1999, my friend and
his partner were sleeping
peacefully in their home in
Happy Valley, California. Two
men kicked in their front
door and murdered them
because they were gay. Gary
and Winfield were good men
who contributed a lot to
their community. The men
accused of the crime are also
accused of burning down
several synagogues in the
Redding area during the week
prior to the murders. After
they were arrested, hate
letters identical to some
found in their home were
distributed to the Asian
community in San Francisco's

Every one of us has the right
to live in peace and safety
if we are doing no harm in
this world.

I am a member of the
Mediterranean Plants online
discussion group, as was
Gary. After his death, we
wanted some way to remember
him and to pay tribute to the
positive things he had done
in this world. We started The
Gary Matson Virtual Garden at

It contains photos of flowers
and wildlife from gardeners
and photographers from around
the world, contributed in
memory of Gary and Winfield.
It has only been open to the
public for a week and has
been growing every day. Since
you specialize in things that
suck, I thought you should
know, as the killings fall
clearly into that category.
Gary's Garden actually
doesn't suck, and it cheers
me to no end to see the
outpouring of support and
love from so many people.

I hope you enjoy it.

Cyndi Kirkpatrick
on behalf
of The Gary Matson Virtual

Well, the tie-in to Suck is a
little weaker than you
suggest, but we'll still
publish your letter in the
name of promoting online
and bolstering
resentment toward murderous
rednecks, the population of
which seems to be increasing
exponentially. Or maybe
they're just hiring better PR

All jokes aside, we're really
sorry about your friends. Gay
men, Jews, Asians, African
Americans, and women with
vengeful boyfriends have to
scurry around, fearing for
their lives, thanks to a
handful of pathetic, angry
white fascists who resent
their relative insignificance
in the world. It makes us
wish there was some kind of
program where they dump a
bunch of gay-bashing rednecks
and Nazi teens into the heart
of the Castro and watch as
the massively pumped-up
denizens kick their teeth in.
They could charge admission
and everything, and follow it
with a tranny show.

There we go, dreaming up
unenlightened cures for the
unenlightened, once again.

We'll check out the site and
urge our feeble-minded
readers to do the same.
Thanks a lot for writing.

the Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

You rock.

I wanna have your children.

We killed Christ: What makes
you think we can't get you

Jim the Jew

Speaking of unenlightened

It's a bold, admirable
approach. Although ... we're
not necessarily anxious to
impregnate you.

Suddenly fearful,

the Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

I just read Suck for the
first time. I'm wondering
where the humor is. There's
lots of flash, just like the
movies, but no dialog worth a
hoot. Let me guess. The
authors are somewhere between
the ages of 19 and 25 and
think the Grapes of Wrath is
about homemade wine, Tobacco
is about the latest
flavor of Bidis, and I seen,
he seen, and they seen are
common forms of verbs.


You're a hoot! And so

Want to write for us? We sure
do need a break from all our
cheap, flashy Hollywood

Let me guess. You're already
published in respected
periodicals across the

Sorry to insult you with such
a suggestion.

Humbly yours,

the Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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