The Fish
for 23 August 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor


Hooked on Bacchus

Nice try, but you need to
tighten it up a little, back-
beat-wise. Nietzsche was the
perfect choice, but you
needed a third act (i.e.,
reference). Further, dumb has
to be demonstrated, not just
stated.

<Herasi@aol.com>

If you're so smart, why don't
you have a suggestion for a
third act (i.e., reference)?
Criticisms should be
demonstrated, not just
stated.

Anyway, we just demonstrated
that you're dumb. Now we'll
state it.

You're dumb.

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Feel Our Pain!

Dearest Sucksters,

Can I ask you one question?
Where do these caustic
replies of yours get anybody?
It seems that no matter what
your readers say in their
letters, you always string
them up using the flaws in
their writing abilities or
ridicule them for having
different views than your
disillusioned, "nouveau-
media" mantra.

As a faithful reader, I wish
that you would give us a
little more respect. We're
not all pathetic members of
the uncultured masses,
content to lap up your
droning proclamations and to
remain silent. We reply to
your work because we have a
stake in it. We are the most
important link in the whole
picture: We're the "eyeballs"
that keep your jobs (and your
egos) intact. Go forth and
criticize — just leave us
out of it, unless you want us
to set up camp elsewhere.

Partially yours,

Philip
<mac_abre@yahoo.com>

Oh, but we really do respect
you! As Ana would say, we
really appreciate the work
you're doing for us. Thank
you soooo much for making
Suck popular for all these
long years! Without you, the
reader, where would we be?
Huh? Nowhere, that's where!

Not all of you are pathetic
members of the uncultured
masses!

Not all of you are whining
pussies, either!

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Monday: Cranky Mail Day from
Now On!

Subject: Why you guys SUCK!

Hip, egotistical, destined
for failure ... that's Suck.

Two things, please:

1. Put a little number next
to your links and have all
the links at the bottom. Your
shit is way too convoluted to
read in small doses.

2. Discussion, feedback,
interaction: HELLO! This is
the Web. Clicking on links
does not interaction make;
let me talk back, mo-fo. A
simple discussion board
newsgroup, irc style, is
called for. Get with the
program or get eaten (oh
yeah, that already happened).
Hey, it's free content.

BTW: That was the best
article in a while today;
circulate this as needed.

Wah
<rtaylor4@uswest.net>

Circulate this as needed?!
You really think we care what
you pathetic, uncultured
whining pussies think? And if
we did, wouldn't we have a
discussion board already?

Thank you for the laugh!

You are the boy!

Failing like never before,


Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Trade Rage

Several days before Mark 0.
Barton went on his kill-crazy
rampage, I mentioned to a
friend I was surprised that
no day traders had freaked
out and killed anybody yet.

Now that one trader has killed
because of "a down day in the
market," I'm willing to bet
others will follow. There are
probably many day traders who
are at that breaking point
but just weren't crazy enough
to be the first to kill
someone. Same thing happened
with school shootings. There
were several copycat
shootings in the weeks and
months after disgruntled kids
played real-life Doom with
their classmates, and it
wasn't because some dumb kid
thought it was cool. It was
some crazy kid who wasn't
quite gutsy enough to kill
anyone until he or she saw a
very inspiring report on the
news about other kids who had
shot up their school.

Yet another office environment
where it would behoove you to
wear a bulletproof vest.

Raphael Crawford-Marks
QA Engineer,
GoMo Technologies
<raphaelc@gomotech.com>

It seems unlikely that those
kids got up the guts to shoot
at several hundred students
and then off themselves just
from watching it on the news.
See, we've always wanted to
be the host of America's
Funniest Home Videos,
but
somehow watching Daisy
Fuentes smile and chortle and
deliver those achingly
unfunny lead-ins with a
straight face only makes us
even more cowardly about
hosting.

Now that one former MTV VJ
has gone on to a successful
career as a cheesy show host,
we're willing to bet others
will follow.

Followers,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Bowling for Hollers

Hello,

I saw your article from 6 June
1999 about merchandising and
was interested in finding out
a source for bowling shirts.
I have a person to do the
printing and was looking for
some blank shirts, or the
printer who did them.

Cheers,
Andrew Keeler
Kommunikations

Bowling is great fun, Andrew,
but bowling shirts are over.
Don't waste your hard-earned
dollars creating something so
utterly passé.

Unless the message you want to
"kommunikate" is that your
company is utterly
passé. In which case,
go right ahead.

Utterly too too,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Ink Blot

Subject: Comics Dying? Good.

Hi,

I'm a former comic-book
illustrator now working in
videogames. Videogames
suck, and so does the
collection of crappy
mainstream comic-book heroes
foisted on me by publishers
like Marvel and DC since I
was a kid.

There was nothing particularly
compelling about Superman
when I was 11 and there
certainly isn't now. I work
in videogames, because they
pay the bills and buy me
beer. I did the comic-book
covers for the original Men
in Black
series (Malibu
Graphics) and got a lousy
US$150 for each one. Larger
publishers don't pay much
either. DC at the time was
paying $40 a page. So, if
comics take a nose dive, fuck
'em. But that's always how
the art world has worked.
Most people couldn't give a
crap about fine art, or be
bothered to pay for it. But
they will shell out $50 for
an empty, fake, polygonal
world ... and I'm more than
happy to rot their brains for
them. Sound bitter?

Nah. I think it's a laff riot!

<adama@vr1.com>

We don't like your tone,
buddy. But, inconveniently
enough, we can sympathize
with your plight. It's true
people don't give a crap
about fine art, and it's sad,
because there are some fine
artists out there, fine
indeed, ready to be
semi-exploited for a mere
pittance.

We suggest you sniff around
for an art agent and get some
better work. Why not
supplement this videogame
work you loathe with some
work you can stand? Put down
the beer and make a little
effort, and you may require
much less of a sense of humor
to get through your miserable
life.

Supportively,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998
The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974
Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971
Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999
Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998
Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco
Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998
Request magazine (any issue after June 1999)
On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964
The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998
Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999
The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999
Big Red soda

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